This accidental carer (or I am Trish)

Apologies

2011-12-29T13:36:00.000Z

Well it seems to be taking a little longer than expected. Maybe the spring time will boost me. I am fine but finding things an effort so until I am bouncy again I will say please be patient ...........................

Facing challenges

2011-05-18T17:10:00.000+01:00

I will be back when I have sorted my life out..........................................don't all hold your breath.

Back to my comfort zone

2011-04-27T18:58:00.000+01:00

Thanks for your comments ladies. Yes strange how many emotions can be experienced in a short space of time.
Yesterday I was back to work allbeit only for three days but it certainly is where I function well.
Always playing catch up but I don't miss too many deadlines. Would like to be able to delegate more but heh can't have everything.

I have been advised to get some liquid support- no not alcohol but tonic. Anyone got any recommendations?
Metatone and Seven Seas are two that have been mentioned. I once tried pro plus but had to be scraped off the ceiling so don't like them one bit!! And I have heard some strange stories about Red Bull !!!

I am starting with a lovely cold today so I hope it doesn't develop for the wedding on Saturday. Don't want to drown out the vows with my sniffing. Although I am sure I will shed a tear. I have been with Elaine and Jim from day one of their relationship and I couldn't be happier with the final outcome.

Dreams do come true as my friends frequently prove...............................

Time out- not always useful............

2011-04-25T14:40:00.000+01:00

Having time off work leads to plenty of time to think. Sometimes good sometimes not.

Such a variety of happenings since I was last at work just over a week ago:

White water rafting
Pamper days
Girly days with Julie
Deep sadness at the loss of a friend
Trouble sleeping
Taking time to consider my future
Supporting a friend whose sister may not survive
Criticism about my treatment of Phil?

All this whilst trying to fill the hours with "normal" things.

So it started on a high and slowly I began to sink. Events just took me there.
I have to lift myself again and back to work tomorrow. I know I will be fine. But I do have to think more about what lifts me up and what drags me down.

Certainly the criticism from a friend of Phil's has affected me more than I want to admit. I was angry at first but now I just think he is one of so many who have no concept of what my life is like. And I feel sorry for him .........

Next week will be a mixture too:

Three days back at work then:

Manicure and pedicure ready for Saturday
Elaine and Jims wedding
Scrapping with Sam
Liverpool with Carol Ann and Sara
Joyces funeral at the same place where my Mums was

Then back to the usual routine which if I am honest is probably better for me.

Plenty of time to think is not always a good thing......................................................

Bye Joyce love you .........

2011-04-21T07:41:00.000+01:00

Our close friend Joyce lost her battle with leukaemia yesterday. I can't get my head around it. We would sit until the early hours listening to Beatles music and trying to fix the world. Love you Joyce and yes we WILL celebrate your life xxxxx

Exceeded expectations

2011-04-17T13:56:00.000+01:00

White water rafting was so amazing. I was so scared when I first got into the boat. I was so touched that all my friends wanted to look after me. I was so grateful that they needed ballast in the middle of the boat which I was happy to provide. I really don't know how I could have sat on the edge of the boat and paddled.
God was looking down yesterday and decided that because I had been brave enough to even turn up for the love of my friend that he would give me an "easy" ride.
Having said that it wasn't exactly easy being in the middle with nothing to hold onto but I wedged my feet in and when the guide said "down" I gathered my friends in and held on for dear life.
It was so cold and we spent a lot of time under the water. My closest friends me will know that for very personal reasons I hate water. I don't swim but even though my Dad was a good swimmer it didn't help him.

So I am awarding myself the medal of extreme valour.

I did it and am glad I did but don't feel the need to ever do it again. There will be some fabulous photos soon.

What can be next on my list of extreme activities. Any suggestions????

Still waiting

2011-04-13T07:08:00.001+01:00

Watching the post for my results. I have been too busy to think about it until now. I am still busy but winding down to a week and a half off.
I do hope that I get my marks through soon. Everyone is telling me I will have passed but until I see it in black and white I am still nervous.

Talking about nervous I am white water rafting this weekend and I should be nervous. Do you know what is worrying me most - getting into the wet suit!!!
I have never been graceful and really don't fancy wetting myself laughing before we even get into the "boat"?

This may be my swan song as far as extreme activities is concerned as my body is really telling me to take it easy so I really want to go out on a high. Watch this space folks.........................

Friendship - a gift to give and receive

2011-04-03T14:32:00.000+01:00

I am lucky enough to have loyal and loving friends. Thanks ladies for your comments. I value the love and support that I am blessed with and which keeps me sane.
Yes She next friday we will start our first retreat of the year. My bags are packed already! It is the best therapy in the world. I can be totally ME.........And the company is not bad either!! and the food is .......mmmmm
Looking forward to 1st May too Sam and our scrapping and nattering session. More nattering than scrapping I am sure when us three get together.
In between I have white water rafting and Elaine and Jim's wedding. Lovely stuff...........................

Shift of priorities

2011-04-02T14:59:00.001+01:00

Since before Christmas my focus has been on finishing my dissertation. As a result my role of carer to Phil has been secondary. Not in a bad way though. I think it has done us both good and he seems to be more aware of my "other" priorities in life.
Each time I make an observation and say it out loud something happens to change it. I really hope that this stays the same. It is good to be considered even if only fleetingly.
My career (which I never planned) has taken another turn and where I was recently yearning to retire I now relish my new challenge.
I have had a day off this week and truthfully at the end of the day I realised how much time I waste if I am not focussed.

So it was prophetic when I added to the title of my blog. I am not only carer to a brain injury survivor but many many other things. And they all deserve to be encompassed in my very full life.

I am Trish

and I just happen to be a carer right now but no longer will that hold me back. I have a lot of living still to do and I believe I will be a better happier person for it.

Only my friends and family will let me know..............................

ZUMBA

2011-03-10T07:25:00.000Z

I have started going to ZUMBA classes with Julie. Last night was our second visit. I remember when we did Salsa and I never wanted to make the effort to go but when we got there we had such a good laugh.

I am not quite at the laughing stage with ZUMBA yet as I am too busy watching what I am supposed to be doing.

I am attempting 80% of the moves but leaving out the low knee bends and not doing the hops or the double turns which make me dizzy.

The first week dragged and I kept looking at the clock but last night just flew by and we were doing our final stretches before I knew it. I was actually disappointed that it was time to go. That is novel.

I am aching this morning and asking myself why I do it but my family and friends have already confirmed that I am mad so maybe that is why.

I suppose my reason is that my life needs to be filled to the maximum with fun things so I will never say no.

The thought of white water rafting next month is scaring me slightly but I know that I will be glad that I can put it on my list after I get through it.

I just keep hoping that my energy levels cope with my wish list but I guess that is all in the mind anyway so bring it on as they say................................................

Part Four

2011-03-06T15:58:00.000Z

How typical is that. The references I have omitted are in a book that I no longer have. I am hoping it is in work but if it isn't then the references will have to be deleted.
All the other changes done and ready but then it all needs printing on premium paper.
Very nearly there....................................

My very special daughter

2011-03-06T09:03:00.000Z

Yesterday I spent the day with Julie. We went to Manchester for a BOYZONE concert. It was a very emotional tribute to Steo. I went to the concert loving Ronan but came away loving them all. Thy are a wonderful bunch of down to earth lads doing what they love and desperately missing their buddy.

This trip was a gift from Julie and all day she would not let me pay for anything. We took a coach from Bangor and talked non stop for the 8hr return journey ( many pick ups). We both work really hard and don't see enough of each other but this more than made up for it.

We both agreed that it is days like yesterday that tell us how truly blessed we both are. Not everyone has a relationship with their daughter like that.

It was a wonderful day with my very special daughter.............

Part three

2011-03-03T07:30:00.000Z

I collected my work yesterday and was delighted to find only three comments. I have spoken to those who had several days of amendments and mine will take maybe half an hour. So this time next week it will be with the binders.
I know my tutor would not ket me submit anything less than a pass so I am really excited. REALLY excited............................................

Part two continued

2011-02-28T06:52:00.001Z

Collecting my work Wednesday morning and looking forward to seeing what parts need editing.
Quick turnaround hopefully then hand it in for binding.........exciting times...............

Part two

2011-02-25T15:25:00.000Z

I have had a message from my tutor to say that after very few amendments my piece of work will be ready to hand in. Music to my ears. I was expecting considerable editing to be done.

So I will collect it next week, complete the changes then submit it for soft binding and then for marking. Not sure how long that takes but I have been assured that I could be graduating this summer if all goes to plan.

Now I wish I had worked just a little harder on my course work so that my overall marks would be higher. A pass is a pass I know that but I will know what marks I get. I am a hard task master particularly on myself.

So ... more of the waiting game. Someone has already planted a seed in my mind about doing a PHD after this. What a good idea. I may investigate that.

At the moment work is chaotic and does not look likely to change until about May. I am submitting funding bids to keep us in existence. No pressure there then. Part of me enjoys the buzz and yet I am nervous in case they are incomplete or at worst ineffective and unsuccessful. Not had any rejections yet but...........
The first one has been ok'd. Second one submitted today. Third one on Monday and so on until the end of March.
Each one is different so I can't even just produce a standard template.
It might also help if I knew what I was doing. So out of my comfort zone right now.

Wow what a boring blog post. ME ME ME.

This is obviously what I am thinking about just now so in a way I suppose that is what a blog is all about but I apologise for my self indulgence......................................

First part of the end

2011-02-13T11:20:00.000Z

I handed my dissertation in on Friday!!!!

That is the first part of the final chapter. I now wait for my tutor to come back with suggested amendments. Once they are done and agreed I get the work "soft-bound" then submit it for marking. Once it has passed (positive thinking) I then get it "hard bound".

Then I wait for graduation day.

This is such a biggie for me. Something that I persevered with for me.

I really can't say it was easy but in a way it was a buzz. The biggest buzz will be on the day I walk up and get my certificate. This will prove everything that my parents believed about me. They always thought I was more capable than I ever thought myself. They were always so proud of everything I achieved no matter how small it was in real terms.

How lucky was I to have such support.

So on graduation day I am sure they will be looking down and smiling and nodding (with maybe a little tear).

Thanks you two; so glad you ALWAYS knew how much I loved you.....................................

My next project

2011-02-02T16:04:00.001Z

Once the dissertation has been handed in in its final state then this is my next project. My craft room is out of control and I want to enjoy spending time in there. Another mountain but I can take my time...............

The final hurdle

2011-02-02T15:57:00.000Z

I am so close to finishing my dissertation. The printer has run out of ink; I have done too many words for Chapter one and Phil is singing in my space!!!!

I will overcome all of this and finish and print it by Sunday evening ready to hand it in one day next week.

I can't even begin to say how much I want to hand this over now. I have enjoyed many aspects but the mountain has been enormous.

I am definitely going to have a rest from studying for the rest of the year
(unless something unmissable presents itself!!)

So this time next week I will be waiting to see how much editing needs to be done when my Tutor has had a look............wish me luck................

Beautiful boy

2011-01-16T17:09:00.000Z

At last I have put a picture of Jason for all to see. He is a beautiful boy. His Mum and Dad are so besotted with him - long may it last.

I can't believe that my grandson who is 21 next month is now a father himself............
Quite scary but wonderful at the same time..............

A good day

2011-01-15T08:47:00.002Z

I am so glad I went to the Carers group. It was a good day. Jenny and I met for lunch first and did our usual summary of how our lives are going - her husband has had a stroke which has affected his emotions.
We have so many things in common and yet we are so different.
We then went along to the group and for the first time I was able to talk about my situation without getting upset. Such progress. I then realised that I haven't cried about this part of my life since September. At the beginning of September I cried myself all out.
Acceptance has been a huge problem with me but I think I have finally reached it. My life is the way it is; either live it or change it. The second choice is not an option so I choose to live it to suit me in the best way possible. Thanks to my family and friends I am managing to do this.
So if only for reassurance yesterday was a good day...........................

Feeling the need

2011-01-13T18:51:00.000Z

I haven't been to my carers support group since about July. I just haven't been able to take time off.

But I feel the need.

So tomorrow I am going to meet Jenny for lunch and then we will go to the group.
And my boss has approved my absence without me having to take a days leave.

I can't believe that we are in the 9th year since Phil's accident. How have we coped?

I always say it is "hard" because I can't find a better word to describe it.

Dealing with emotions can sometimes be worse than with physical difficulties because they are so subtle. You can usually see a physical disability but you can't see an emotional "problem".

But I am long past the stage where I forget that Phil has a problem. Every day it is apparent and some days there are new signs of the condition. It never ceases to amaze me how many effects there can be from an injury.

I have just heard from someone who has started to have seizures 20 years after her injury. Please God that does not happen to Phil but there is an increased chance as well as an increased chance of early dementia.

So our future is a little insecure to say the least. So I am going to the support group because I feel the need.............................

Recording thoughts

2011-01-09T09:02:00.000Z

I need a new invention.

When I am lying in bed unable to sleep I have some brilliant thoughts.
(Some rubbish ones too).

I need to be able to press record and save all those thoughts until I get up and start the day. I try to remember them all (which prevents me from going back to sleep) but by the time I do start my day most of them have gone.

In my subconscious I am a genius. I just need a better memory bank.................

Out for lunch today with Angie and Julie to Rhiwafallen. Not really sure my skin can stretch any more but I will soon find out.

Now what am I going to wear? All my trousers are too tight and I hate dresses and skirts but................................

Friday...............

2011-01-07T07:20:00.000Z

This week has been tough and although it has been a short week in terms of days in work it has seemed endless.
Priorities is my main word this year but when you have got at least a dozen urgent tasks on your desk how can you prioritise?

The fact that I am training 2 new volunteers whilst trying to learn a new additional role myself is proving to be a problem. No chance of concentrating on anything when the questions are coming thick and fast. I am very fond of my volunteers but I have to be honest and say I also love Fridays when I am in the office alone.

I know this will be for a short time only and they will settle into their particular projects so I am being patient and focussed. They are my priority just now and Fridays will be playing catch up.

Strange that I have never been ambitious and now here I am with such a massive area of responsibilty.

Would I have it any other way? Of course not I love it but every now and again it is good to voice your concerns.................

Careful planning

2011-01-05T08:06:00.000Z

First day back at work yesterday and I had a vision of how the day would go; deadlines to reach; contacts to be made and appointments to be arranged.

My trusty sidekick Celia who works Tuesdays and Thursdays emailed me to say she is still unwell after the Christmas break and would not be in.
No deadlines reached; no contacts made and no appointments arranged. Just spent the whole day answering the phone and opening the mail.

Today there will be little chance of catching up and if Celia is not back in tomorrow then I am in trouble.

I took on an extra role at the end of the year for two days a week and felt confident that I would cope. The condition was that I would have Celia to do on Tuesdays and Thursdays what I would have done before.

So my careful planning relies totally on others and for someone who is always in control at work I struggle with that.

Whats the solution? Answers on a postcard please............................

Disappointed

2011-01-04T08:01:00.000Z

Back to work today and to the busy schedule that is Cruse.

I am disappointed that I did not complete my dissertation but I could not have worked any harder at it. I am a perfectionist. I counted up more than 30,000 words and I need around 22,000.
So a couple more sessions should get me there. I have to edit and then construct in the right order and get the page numbers right. Looking at what I have achieved this book may be a bit thick if I include all the appendices.
My tutor will have the last word I am sure.

I can't even begin to think how many hours have gone into this piece of work. Hundreds for sure. So I have a bit more to do and I have to let the tutor know that I am not quite there.

So today I turn my attention to work and where to get monies from to continue offering our services. I am working with a very blank canvas because this is not what I am trained for. My colleague just walked out in October taking all her records with her. I have to start from scratch and build up a new network of funders.
Wish me luck........................

Reflection

2011-01-03T09:12:00.000Z

Try as I might I cannot stop reflecting at this time of year. Not sure how productive it has ever been but it happens anyway.

I am back at work tomorrow and the relaxation period is over until... who knows...

I have been thinking about the people who helped me cope with 2010 and who I hope will still be around in 2011 to ease my load.

Julie my daughter works too hard just like me so we don't spend as much time together as we did but she is always looking out for me and checking that I am ok.

Sheilagh is my best friend in all the world and she is just....well I was once asked how I would like people to remember me after I have "gone" and I said I would like them to say " When I was with her I felt precious, safe and loved".....that just about describes how I feel when I am with "She" and in addition she makes me laugh. What more could you ask for from a best friend??

Elaine and Yvonne are my dearest friends and again because we are all so busy don't meet as often as we would like. I was at Elaine's last night and had the best couple of hours. She knew Phil before his accident and has gone through his changes with me and they adore each other. I am going to try and meet Yvonne this week when it will be just lovely to catch up.

My friendships are very special to me and I have made two new friends recently who have brought me fun and laughter. Sam and Celia have in their different ways made me laugh and cry in equal measures and I hope that our friendships will continue.

There are many others who have eased my 2010 path and if I made a list I could possibly omit someone important because there are many. So suffice it to say that without ANY of them I would have struggled. I hope that they realise this..........

SUCCESS

2011-01-02T14:11:00.000Z

I have just done a pie chart and a column chart. Now after about 5 hours of trying I had almost given up. Then I broke the data into smaller chunks and hey presto it worked.

Are you glazing over yet? Well I would have been if they had not been so important to my submission. I was told very recently that the work is more about layout than content!!!
Why did I not know that when I worked for hours filling the pages with as much information as possible about the brain; brain injury; results etc etc.

So I could have done lots of fancy charts and pretty diagrams instead. We will see. I am almost complete. Tomorrow may be the day if I can have a clear run through.

I love pies as a rule but today I am really thrilled with this particular pie!!!!

A very big light at the end of a very long tunnel..........

2011-01-01T07:38:00.000Z

Todays priority is my dissertation. I need to complete it by Monday ready for the first submission.
I can't believe that it has taken me so long. I had intended to complete it within a year of gaining my diploma. I had intended to graduate whilst I was still 60.

I just hadn't realised how hard it would be to put so much stuff into words. While I am doing the research I am enjoying it but motivating myself to complete each chapter has been so hard.

I am an organised person when it comes down to work life. I have deadlines which I rarely miss; multiple requests which I fulfil; and a ridiculously full diary which I manage.

At home it is a completely different me. I am swayed by the mood of the house. My energy levels dictate my input. I am so often overwhelmed with the amount of "stuff" that I have to consider about my life.

As a result this research has taken me three years. I know that once it is handed in as acceptable I will want to weep. At the same time I will be proud that at last I have achieved my ultimate goal.

I want to throw my cap in the air and tell my Mum and Dad that their faith in my ability was not misplaced. They always thought I was a genius; a very hard title to live up to. I just wish they could be at my graduation .....................

New Year's Eve

2010-12-31T07:49:00.000Z

It is my least favourite day of the year.

Historically I have either stayed in alone or spent the evening in the company of alcohol infused folks.

Tonight I will be at home with Phil. I imagine the kids will all text at midnight as usual. I prefer to be in bed before midnight but stay up to respond to the texts.

Tomorrow will be the beginning of another challenging year. I have so many hopes and dreams which God willing will make it a good year. I try to be an optimist; I always was but still have that little niggle that I can't relax too much.

I have so much to begin the year with. My family has grown to ten all healthy and most happy. I have friends who I love and trust. I have a job which is reasonably well paid (for Wales standards) and which I enjoy. I have a home which needs attention but is warm and safe.

My concerns for Phil keep growing but that is the nature of brain injury. On a short trip out yesterday there were so many stressful moments too many to list. I sometimes feel guilty that we don't go out like we used to but when we do it is difficult in so many ways. If I can get it into my head that his condition will not improve and to stop dreaming ........................

Happy New Year to everyone and I wish you all everything you wish for yourselves for 2011.

Wedding invitation

2010-12-30T09:01:00.000Z

Elaine and Jim are getting married in April. I am going over Sunday to get the details.
Elaine wants to do white water rafting for her "hen do". I will watch from the sidelines as I don't do water. That surprises me really as I have usually been up for anything.

So I have a couple more challenges this next year. Mainly to lose a considerable amount of weight. I have resembled a Hobbit for too long. I would really like to wear a glamorous outfit for her day and make her proud. She always flatters me. I would like Phil to be a bit trimmer too so maybe our diet plan can be shared (without him being too aware).

The other challenge is to go back to being up for anything. I am not saying I will go white water rafting but I will certainly consider it.

Over the holiday I have gone into couch potato mode. I have been busy doing brain stuff but have hardly moved from the one spot. More exercise has to be incorporated into my days. I don't like exercising but they tell me once you start you can grow to love it. I will reserve judgement.

So these are not resolutions - more like a plan. I know I will have to work hard at all of it as I have little will power. Two gigantic boxes are now empty where chocolates once sat!!!!

Lots of soup and vegetables, one pot veggie dishes, fruits and yoghurts. Who needs sticky toffee puddings ?? ..............................................

New life to consider

2010-12-29T09:38:00.000Z

Last night my 20yr old grandson Anthony and his fiance Mandy had a little boy Jason Lee. Both are well and hopefully coming home today.

It is hard to get my head around sometimes that I have three great grandchildren.
What I do know is that I do not spend nearly enough time with them. When we are all together as on Christmas Day I realise how blessed I am that they all still choose to live locally. All within shouting distance.

I worry about so much "stuff" that is irrelevant and unimportant. I have what most people would give anything for; a loving close and supportive family. All their partners are wonderful too which is such a joy to see them all settled and happy.

Priorities will be my word for 2011. I have to figure out what is worth worrying about and what is not. I have had a good Christmas; Phil has been good although I can tell he has had to try really hard. At least he was willing to......
Now if I can just relax my expectations a little life may be less stressful.

I have a very full year ahead and I have to make sure that I don't shut anyone out whilst I am having fun. I was blessed with all these children so that I could enjoy them and love them every day of their lives just as I know they love me..........

Tough love

2010-12-27T12:29:00.001Z

This is the calmest Christmas ever. Phil behaved himself throughout..........That's a first. He was in good form at Garys too.

Maybe my tough love worked. I was upset with him following the wedding and normally I would have given in after a few days and gone back to "normal". This time I didn't.

He has enjoyed Christmas with the kids and actually had fun himself.
Is this a breakthrough? - well puppy dog syndrome is looming but I will know for sure after New Years eve.

All I can say is that I have had a very nice Christmas.

If this man would only realise how much everyone loves him when he is NOT drinking...........................................

Looking good............

2010-12-26T08:01:00.000Z

Yesterday was a lovely day. Opening presents with the whole family. I can't believe how my daughter manages to calmly cook breakfast for so many. She is a star.

Home for a relax and we watched the Grinch. Never seen it before - then evening meal as normal.

Phil did have two bottles of wine but was well behaved and I could even say pleasant.

So episode two today is going to Garys for lunch with Phil and Angela.

I am going to relax and enjoy. I may get through this Christmas unscathed. Oh I hope so.................................

Senseless behaviour

2010-12-25T08:31:00.001Z

Why I am entering Christmas just waiting for something to go wrong? It is senseless but historically I can't remember a Christmas when it was ok.

But for my kids sake today I am going to try my best to just concentrate on me and them and not watch every move that Phil makes. It is going to be hard to change the habit of a marriage-time.

Expect little and I won't be disappointed. Watch this space...............

All works out in the end

2010-12-24T07:27:00.000Z

Whilst everyone has been dashing about like maniacs I have been sitting waiting for the right time.
This weather makes me lazy anyway so as long as the shops still have bread and milk (and dog meat) today all will be well.
I need to deliver some gifts but can do that Boxing Day on the way out to Gary's.

So panic was not needed.

Looking forward to tomorrow and Sunday spending time with my kids. We have a new baby boy due any minute and that would just totally make Christmas.
I am going to relax for the two days before I jump into work mode next week.

Dissertation to finish by end of the month; funding bids to produce by end of the month; timetable to devise to incorporate new additional job until March.

And 2011 is going to be just fabulous with so many "fun" times to look forward to - all planned and booked. I even have Jury duty in February to add to the mix!!!

I am blessed.............................

Never in my lifetime!!

2010-12-22T12:58:00.001Z

Trapped in my home because of weather. I have never had this happen before. When I was small all the Mums and Dads used to get their shovels out and bags of salt and we could always get out.
I have never missed a day off work ( or school) until now.
Cards undelivered; presents not recieved from mail order companies; visitors probably not going to be able to get here.
The worst part is that the gas man cannot get here . We don't put the heating on all the time but right now I would like to have it cosy and warm. It may not last if we use it too freely. Now I can manage without presents and I can manage without luxuries but I just hate being cold.
Living on a hill has its benefits when the rain comes but not when the ice comes.
My dream of retiring to Spain looks so tempting now so please can I be one of the 25 millionaires on Friday. Pretty please ........................

Another day at home??

2010-12-20T08:08:00.000Z

I can't believe I still can't get out to work!
I am now iced in!
If I could get the car to the main road I think I may stand a slim chance but I can't get down the hill.
They say we are going to have more snow today? Up to -18 degrees in Mid Wales and we are usually just a bit higher than that.

The A55 is treacherous and the road I travel is one of the worst on a normal day!!

The local shop is running out of food so we will be living on porridge before long
( made with water too).

On a positive note......sorry I don't have a positive today. I want to get to work because if I can't then I will have to go in on what I had hoped would be time off over the holidays.

The best laid plans....................

Enforced day off

2010-12-17T07:18:00.000Z

The snow is thick on the ground; the cars are covered and I live on a hill!!

So looks like an unexpected day off for me. I went back to bed but can't sleep so up having breakfast then will have to contact people who expect me at meetings.

I am going to take the day to relax and catch my breath before the Christmas break. I will also check that I have everyone's gifts.

Note to self: Please go back to having Christmas sorted by September............

Love story with a twist...........

2010-12-16T06:40:00.000Z

I like that.
Makes it sound as if here is still hope.................
thanks She love ya xxx

Bubble in place

2010-12-15T07:08:00.000Z

Complete U turn last night and himself is just happy when we are together ( with his dog!! )
So back to were we were.
More a psychological thriller than a love story......................

Gobsmacked....

2010-12-14T18:58:00.000Z

I drove home tonight expecting a continuation of last nights rant by himself.

Not a word........ no mention or reference to it.

If I had known I would not have worried about it today.

Bubble is safe and holding..................

What a melting pot!!

2010-12-14T07:12:00.000Z

My life's journey is so strange just now. For every up there is a down and every time I have cause to smile then someone goes and spoils it. So what to do?

Work is the up. I got a phone call last night to say that I will be rewarded financially for the extra work I will be putting in until at least the end of March. Not a considerable amount but at least I got it without any effort. As everyone who knows me will remember I would do my job for free if I could afford to.

Home is the down. I just have not been able to forgive Phil for spoiling my memories of the wedding. I made the decision that day to build a bubble around myself as far as he is concerned so that I can't be hurt again. He has now decided that HE can't put up with life as it is and we have to do something about it.

So can I keep the bubble in place or will he break through it and force changes.
He has always been the winner but this feels different. The sad part is that all this has nothing to do with him having had a brain injury. This once again is about alcohol.

I have been here before and wondered what comes next so I guess I just watch and wait and cling on to my bubble...........................

Good start to the weekend

2010-12-11T09:50:00.001Z

This last month has been somewhat stressful and challenging. There are so many changes that I have to take on board.

Each weekend for the last 8 years I have been up early (sometimes really early) and filled the weekend to the brim.

This weekend I actually managed to stay in bed until 8.30. Just having done that makes me feel so good. My brain is still working overtime but in a positive way.

So I want to continue in this way being able to take time out from Cruse and do stuff for me.
Today I am meeting Sam for lunch. We natter for a couple of hours or so and then do a little retail therapy in the craft shop.

Tomorrow I will catch up with Julie who I haven't seen for two weeks. My daughter is so like her mother and works far too hard.

I have a strange (unfamiliar) relaxed feeling today and I want it to continue.
I think I have been looking at the "change what you can and accept what you can't" mantra.
I would like to live by this every day but small steps are good so I will enjoy today.

For 43 years my personal mantra has been " quiet acceptance" and it has got me this far.

I need to get back there where it is safe...........................

It's been a long week

2010-12-10T08:00:00.001Z

All the elements have been against me this week; weather; communication; health. All my plans have stumbled and I am really glad it is Friday.

Work needs an early spring clean. The office is getting more and more crowded as I try to get organised.

Home is getting more and more tense as I refuse to believe that Christmas will pass without incident.

Social life is going to be hectic and I don't really have the energies necessary.

Seriously thinking about next years diary. I always do at this time of year. I have taken on extra duties at work and unless I become super-organised then I will struggle.

Who would have thought that at 62 I would have a career that continues to excite and challenge me. That from the girl who was NEVER ambitious..................

Oh this weather

2010-12-07T07:23:00.000Z

It's not always the weather you see that causes the problems . Yesterday - driving to work the roads were lethal. Why can't all the drivers see the ice that I see? Why do they drive about 6 inches from my rear end?

If you see the snow you know that the roads are likely to be bad and you slow down.

This morning it is raining hard and if it freezes then the roads will be bad again.
My problem is that once I have decided to brave the journey it is 17 miles of bendy roads and hoping for the best.

I have seen several incidents this last week and I really do not want to be one of them.

So I am still deciding whether to go. I will wait until the daylight arrives and then make my mind up. Even the weather forecast is too brief to be a guide.

Watch this space...................

Oh boy I am stuffed

2010-12-05T16:00:00.001Z

Rhiwafallen for lunch with Phil She and Ralph. I have a veggie roast dinner which is perfect. I always arrive home absolutely stuffed. No different today.

Phil drove for a change and I am glad he did or I would have been car-skating again. The roads are worse than they look.

She and Ralph were a joy to be with as always and my Christmas gift this year just blew me away. I am so blessed............

Home now in my bargain PJ's and really just want to go to sleep.
Today was just a perfect day..............................................

Bring on the weekend

2010-12-04T07:38:00.000Z

This week has flown and not as much achieved as I would have liked.

There are so many changes daily weekly and I just have to ride with them and hope it all turms out.

Today I need to do some dissertation. Submission at the end of this month. Am I fooling myself thinking that it will be ready? Maybe - but I am still quietly confident.

Tomorrow is fun day with She and Ralph and Phil.

But today I need a plan.
Hair at 8.30am then home and sort necessary paperwork by 10 am.

Then I will do Phil's case study for my dissertation. That will be hard going through all his letters from specialists and seeing what they thought our future would be. We had no idea - no idea..............................

I was reminded last night of one of the "conditions" of Phil's current state. He has no comprehension of what is a secret or a confidence. Can you imagine how much trouble that could get me into. We all voice things that don't expect to be passed on don't we?? He is almost childlike in his ability to pass things on.

I have to be honest yet sensitive in his case study. He has to read it and be happy with it. Wish me luck ...............................

Enveloped with tiredness

2010-12-02T08:11:00.000Z

Physically exhausted; emotionally drained ; feel like 100 years old.
It's all down to the weather.

I have missed out on a holiday this year and was not able to store up any UV rays to see me through these cold dark mornings and evenings.

I said it last year and every year before- I really would like to hibernate in winter. I don't feel productive, attractive, responsive, just sloth-like bundled up and uncomfortable.

On the positive side this week--- well have to think hard here--- Sunday will be great but so far this week has been pretty rubbish. Didn't get to do some of the things I wanted to because of the weather; haven't managed to get all my work done because of the volume....................well maybe next week will be better....

I am also missing my spa days which help me relax but I don't have time to fit them in.

Oh I can feel some New Years resolutions hovering.................................

Sunday with friends

2010-11-30T08:11:00.000Z

Looking forward to a lovely meal on Sunday at my favourite Rhiwafallen. It's Ralph's birthday treat and Phil and I will join him and Sheilagh to spend some time together. Phil does not get on with everyone now and all of his friends have deserted him since the accident but he gets on well with Ralph; they have some common interests and I can relax knowing that I won't have to worry about him.

Of course She and I are best buddies so we always have fun and laughter.

Good food, good company; what more could I want for a special Sunday.............

Finding a balance

2010-11-28T12:44:00.000Z

I love my children and their children and as I said to my daughter this morning "I made you all"!! Had a little help from Phil but mostly they are my creation. And they are wonderful.
I don't spend enough time with them but when I do the love is given and received in a natural way; no effort - just natural.

I love my job and have moulded it to suit my abilities and expectations. If I had the choice I would retire tomorrow but I do not have the choice so I am thankful that I have this job right now.

Home life however is a different matter. I wish I could carry my happiness over just a little to that. There are so many issues going on that I have given up trying to resolve them. Maybe if I stop being negative then things may improve but those of you who know me will agree that I have tried so so hard.................

So - finding the balance..

I have the best "best friend" in the world; many close friends who are always there for me and me them and at the moment I am healthy enough to continue doing the things that give me pleasure.

So today I will be grateful for the things that I have and not ponder too long on the things that I don't have.....................................

The Next Chapter

2010-11-26T07:49:00.001Z

So all these thoughts of retiring need to go out of my head. I have been given a new challenge at work.
I had thought for the last two years that my efforts have been going un-noticed and that others had been getting the praise. Not so. Yesterday I had the full backing of my Committee to take on a new role alongside my existing work.

I am not phased and am already starting to formulate a plan. It will mean more travelling; more time out of the office; more interaction with professional organisations. I used to do all of these things before I started this job so am just going back to what I know.
At the moment this is just until March but if it works out it will be permanent.
If I am honest it has come at the best time as I had started to have itchy feet
( seven years in post)and wondered if I needed a change of direction. This gives me a change whilst staying with the organisation I love.

There is just one small point no increase in salary yet.

That would have made it perfect but I work for a charity and these days we are undervalued so until that changes then the staff are also expected to do their bit for the charity in working for much less than in the corporate world..........

So now I have enough challenges to keep me busy.
My concentration must be on:
1. My dissertation which has to be handed in at the end of the year
2. Organising two days for the new role whilst training someone to cover my office work whilst I am out
3. Trying to balance all this with home and friends
4. Still keep an eye on all the aims that I have and being realistic about them

WISH ME LUCK.........................................

EXCITED

2010-11-14T16:39:00.000Z

I am going off to my retreat with She on Friday. Seems like forever since I have seen her. She gives the best hugs in to world so I am hoping to overdose on them.

Home is still unsettled since the wedding but I am coping better than I usually do and can only think that because I am in the right I feel ok??

Work is crazy as usual and all the more reason for me to be looking forward to Friday and Monday off.

Still not back to daily posts but I do pop in to see everyone on a daily basis so just for me everyone please keep on blogging .............................

Back to work

2010-11-03T06:50:00.000Z

I have enjoyed being off even though I have been shackled to my laptop for 5 days. I have put a lot of work in but am disappointed that I did not finish it. Each time I found a subject I researched it some more!!
I would guess that about 5 more days should do it but I am not sure where those days are going to come from. I am busy every Saturday this month and only have one Sunday free!! So it will have to be snatched hours here and there.
It has to be handed in by the end of December as I have had 3 months extension already.
I think Phil will be glad to see me back to work today. He has had to be a little more active whilst I have been here although it has still been rising at noon every day!!
Work is going to be challenging since my colleague resigned. Waiting for my Management Committee to decide what to do but until then I am just doing my own stuff which is more than enough to keep me busy.................

DAY THREE

2010-11-01T14:12:00.001Z

Wish I had carried on with my speed typing training all those years ago. Never mind I am getting all the information typed up quite well but think I need a little walk now. Don't want to get DVT!!

Another couple of hours to do today and then full day tomorrow.
If I add it up I have probably spent around 17 hrs typing and researching so far. Had planned to do 16 hours over my 4 days off but once I get going I just don't want to stop.

Only one problem...once again I have not missed work at all!! I really could retire
(if I could afford to). I have so much to fill my time even after I have finished this dissertation. Wonder if it is the seven year itch. It will be 7 yrs in May since I started working for Cruse ( I volunteered for 3 years before that).

Anyway need to get that thought OUT of my head. I have a mortgage to pay and a lifestyle to maintain.................................

31.12.2009

2010-10-28T09:43:00.000+01:00

That was a post that was. When I read it now I remember thinking that life was going to be ok. I had fought so many battles in 2009 and thought I had won. How wrong can you be. Brain injury is like that. Brain injury and alcohol dependency is even worse.
Maybe it would work better if Phil had one of those and I had the other?? Now I am joking so is that a good sign??
Phil asked me the other day if we can go back to being in love again. What could I say? My response was just " I don't know".

Anyway I am having 4 days off work to do my dissertation. From living with brain injury to researching it. Hope it is going to be a good submission in December. Just sitting here looking at my timetable for the next 4 days I know I will have to be so disciplined. Not a word that has been easy for the last eight years but here I go ... watch this space..........

Still not a good time to come out.

2010-10-26T07:48:00.000+01:00

Still living in my negative bubble so not sure it is the right time to come back. Have lost the ability and energy to try and change things. Maybe 2011 will be "fight back" year?? I can only hope ..................

Almost there.........

2010-10-03T09:16:00.000+01:00

Peeping out from under the covers but not quite ready to come out yet..............

CLOSED FOR PERSONAL MAINTENANCE.............................

2010-09-12T10:20:00.002+01:00

Forward looking

2010-09-06T08:02:00.000+01:00

Ok so the wedding is over and the happy couple are now away on their honeymoon. The photos will be drifting in and the day will be added to the list of memories.

Real life- back to work; the weather is rough and the rest of the month is busy. Just how I like it.

I have also decided once and for all to close my blog. I will pop by and see others but mine has become redundant now. If I find it boring how can I expect others to follow it. And I may be taking a different journey and am not sure if it will be worth sharing.

So for the last time - signing out and thanks to those who have encouraged me when I have needed it....................................

Wonderful wedding

2010-09-05T12:28:00.002+01:00

The bride and groom looked wonderful and the way they looked at each other warms my heart.
It was great to see family too that I have not been able to visit for some time and my friends as always are a source of comfort to me.

As for Phil- he acted as I expected. Why am I not surprised? It's a shame my favourite Uncle witnessed the real life I have. He cares deeply for me and I could tell he was concerned. I must spend more time with him.

That is another event over and I move on to the next. The next batch are solo events; not family gatherings so I can just consider myself.

I am in the position again where I have to make decisions. Oh how I wish I had a crystal ball. If I could do what I really wanted (which practically is not an option) so many people would be rocked by the fallout. So I just pray for a sign telling what to do. I have faith that it will come to me and just need the courage to act when I see it.

In the meantime..........
I sit and wonder why I looked like the bad guy last night??..........

One more sleep

2010-09-03T16:48:00.001+01:00

It's Phil's birthday and it is very low key because of the wedding. In 1969 my dad has his birthday the day before my wedding- life is full of coincidences.
The kids are coming over with a "chinese" later. That will be fun; we are all hyper at the moment so it will be interesting to see who can get a word in. We all tend to talk too much when we are nervous!!! Runs in the family!!

Phil hasn't been mentioned much in my blog lately. It is a period of change and I feel quite sad some days. I have fought so hard to get his medication balanced and now that he is more "aware" there are parts that I don't like. Is it because I am wishing for something that cannot be or is it I just want our lives to be the best they can under the circumstances.

Mild aggression has returned usually after a bottle of wine which he manages to demolish in about an hour. I can cope with that the way I did before the accident. The part that I struggle with is him being argumentative and insisting that I have not told him things that I definitely have.
I hate confrontation and yet my silence only winds him up more.

I really hope he is ok tomorrow at the wedding.........................

Countdown to the wedding

2010-09-02T16:38:00.000+01:00

I can feel emotions rising - heaven help me on Saturday. Julie and I just wish my Mum could be there; I am so blessed to be around to go to my Grand daughters wedding. The tension is around us but I know on the day it will be fine.
I think Julie and Ste have done Leanne proud and I am so grateful to them. She is having everything she has asked for - and more!!
All the beauty stuff is booked tomorrow- eyebrows eyelashes nails etc and I do hope the lorry of flesh coloured polyfilla arrives in time. I hope Phil is going to be able to strap me into my corset!!
Looks like the weather is going to be kind to us and I am sure it will be a wonderful day.
I adore my kids and their kids and their kids. How blessed am I?

Oh and it is Phil's birthday tomorrow and I must try not to forget..................

Taking a break

2010-08-30T13:38:00.000+01:00

Just having a little break from doing my dissertation.
Wish I could type faster and wish I had a book holder that would keep the book open but raised to save the crick in my neck!!

Apart from that I am enjoying it. I still feel a bit "off" but after discussions with friends yesterday I think I gave myself a sugar overload on Friday and once that is out of my system I will be ok. My diet is so erratic that I really must address that once all the "pending" stuff is over.

The next hurdle is the wedding. I am excited and apprehensive at the same time. I know that there are issues for concern but I really just want to go and feel the proudest Nannie in the world. I have two children each with partners three grandchildren two with partners one step-grandson and two great grandchildren and one on the way..............

If Phil behaves himself it has the makings of a perfect day. But like I said I am excited and apprehensive. Will let you know which was justified...............

Who is this following my life ???????

2010-08-28T10:10:00.000+01:00

Again today my stars are just so accurate to the point that I think I have a personal predicter and this is JUST for me and nobody else??

Hello trish !
Your Sun Sign: Leo
Date of birth: 15 August 1948

Your daily horoscope for 28 August 2010

Your physical vitality is at low ebb, and you should make sure to avoid exposure to any sort of illness or disease, trish. Steer clear of toxic substances of any kind that might add even more stress to your immune system. It may be hard for you to take a realistic attitude on these types of issues. You are good at creating a delusional frame of mind that convinces you that everything is fine, when in reality, it isn't. There is a stubborn energy in the air that is making it hard for you to change your ways.

I had a hair appointment at 8am today and really struggled to get myself ready for it. I have been up since 7am so it is not the rising , more the getting ready that is the problem. Last night I felt as if my body weighed a ton; a strange and very uncomfortable feeling. I can't put my finger on it but I don't feel "right".

Right now I think I could sleep but I know if I tried I would just lie and think.......of everything and of nothing. In most areas my life is smoother than for some time. I am not unhappy but there is just something ....................

Working through

2010-08-27T08:41:00.000+01:00

I have said before in my blog that I wake up each morning and wonder if I will get through the day ok. This is on an energy level not on a capability level.

This last year has been one of my hardest years and my energy levels have been at their lowest.

So far I am getting through and only call off those outings that will not inconvenience others.

Yesterday I thought I was going to have to do a ten page presentation in front of my Committee. I have argued against this for some time as I am not an "I" person ; more of a "we" person. Anyway yesterday was the day and only 6 members were in attendance at the meeting instead of 12 ( due to holidays). I gave the members the choice of me doing the presentation or them taking it home and reading it. Thankfully they chose the latter but I was given the opportunity to talk in general about my role.

As far as I can see I have the full backing of the Committee and can carry on as before. My colleague had her hours cut by half so I guess I am lucky. We are a Charity so I know my salary will not increase but you all know how much I love my job so that is not an issue right now.

So another successful day to tick off the challenge list.

Next is the wedding on 4th and all I have to do is get there feel good and enjoy myself. I am anxious because like all weddings a couple of things have gone wrong so far; the bride has to have her dress altered; the cake maker has broken two fingers?? and the photographer has called off due to work commitments. I am sure that it will all come together but because I am standing back and not "doing" any of the organising I worry about Julie getting stressed too.

As they say it will all be allright on the night or in this case on the day. I just hope my waterproof mascara works ok...............................

More medical confusion

2010-08-25T08:11:00.000+01:00

I got an appointment to see the ENT guy on 1st September. One problem; I need to have a scan and a biopsy before then and I don't have an appointment for that. I phoned the department and was told there is am 8 wk waiting list for ultrasound; that takes me to around 15th Sept. So I have changed the appointment from 1st to 22nd. Will I be lucky and will it all fit in??
In the meantime my voice is getting lower; one cyst is obviously pressing more on my vocal cords and the shortage of breath I presume is where the other cyst is leaning on the windpipe. The joys of ageing!!

Right now my mind is full of presentation wedding dissertation in that order.

Tomorrow I have to do the presentation which was postponed. I am really not good at saying what I do; good at doing it but in a quiet - get on with it- way.
I have compiled a 10 page description of my role and as much as I tried to condense it 10 pages is what it takes!!

The wedding is on 4th and I still have no idea what I will be wearing. This weekend I will get my hair done as usual ( my weekly indulgence) and then come home and try all the outfits on which are possibilities. Then on the morning of the wedding I will probably change my mind!! I have enough choices so am not too concerned.

My dissertation should technically be submitted by the end of September. I am more than half way and the questionnaires are on their way to completion. It is like being a good way through a jigsaw and then just seeing a load of shapes the same size and colour and not having a clue where to put them. I really enjoy doing it but am so nervous of the final construction process.

Phil is being sweet at the moment and I can't remember the last time I was impatient with him. He is off all the tranqillisers (still on anti- depressants but wants to try and reduce those next)and so he is more aware of what is going on around him. Not quite the Phil I married but nicer than he has been for some time in the last eight years. Or maybe I have just stopped fighting??
Anyway at the moment home is ok and I feel good here.

It is my crop on Sunday and that is a part of my life that needs sorting once all of the above is complete. I am really not doing enough crafting. Once a month is just not enough and I need to arrange more.

Today I am attending the lunch with my lovely ladies (The Merry Widows) and we always have a wonderful time. They are the ones who reassure me when I think my job is too difficult and make me realise that their futures are my responsibility.....

Nice photo

2010-08-20T07:43:00.000+01:00

Elaine has just sent me this. I was complaining about hating my looks and she said how lovely she thought I looked at Tracey and Dave's wedding. I like this and it has helped me just a little to see that I can look quite good sometimes.
I had a photos recently which made me look like SHREK so I am glad to see that I don't always look like that.
Still wondering what to wear for the wedding but this gives me a little bit of confidence to even consider a plain suit. I am getting my pink renewed tonight so that is stage one.
Counting down the days now to 4th September............................

I made it!!

2010-08-15T09:21:00.000+01:00

Today is my 62nd birthday. My Mum and Dad did not have a 62nd birthday. I am so relieved to get here..........................

Time out

2010-07-31T07:33:00.000+01:00

I am popping in to read blogs but my thoughts are still too muddled to post my own. I will be back shortly but I have a few loose ends to tidy up first. All I can say is that there is a lot happening here just now; some things are massive and some more subtle; some good and some not so.
I start the week wondering if I will make it to friday and I have done so far but I still always wonder.
So please bear with me for a little while longer.........................

Apologies

2010-07-23T06:50:00.000+01:00

I am just too tired to blog right now.................

Take a step back

2010-07-15T06:41:00.000+01:00

I have far too much on my mind.

Some things deserve attention; some are insignificant. I seem to have lost the ability to sort out which is which.

It's like having a brain full of spiders all running different ways and affecting my thoughts in the same fashion. My conversations are also erratic with no calm flow.

Work yesterday was a struggle and although I always achieve enough I wasn't sure which was a priority. I pride myself on being able to do that normally.
So what is causing this blip?

Maybe I will get time to discover this at my weekend away with Sheilagh. Time to reflect and consider my choices. Do I have any choices now that is the question.................................................

Now the waiting game

2010-07-14T07:44:00.000+01:00

I went to see the consultant yesterday -I thought to get an appointment for a thyroidectomy.

After having a disgusting procedure with anaesthetising my thoat and putting a tube with a camera on up my nose and down my throat - yuk - he said I need more tests.

He has told me he really does not think it is cancerous but needs a biopsy to rule it out completely then another scan. More blood taken yesterday whilst I was there (why is it as we get older we have bruising after everything?).

So I have to wait for the appointment for the biopsy and scan then see him again in 6 weeks.
He will then decide if I need to op. At least I won't have to be in recovery for the wedding so that is the good side.

Two things surprised me during the consultation; broccoli and cabbage can damage the thyroid and HAIR DYE. He has asked me to stop using it. OMG how do I get around that one? I don't even know what my real colour is and I am really not ready to "grow old gracefully".

Julie suggested I have extensions but that does not help the roots.

I am going to do some research first and see if there is a thyroid friendly hair colour. The one I use is animal based I think- is that as harmful? I have coloured my hair for 47 years and I can't see myself just stopping..........

That was a week that was................

2010-07-11T09:07:00.000+01:00

An eventful week to say the least. Sad stressful revealing empowering humbling.

I have felt every emotion this week and responded to everything in what I hope was a good way.

I have been aware of the torment of several people this week and for those of them who have to pick up the pieces following their loss I hope that they survive. They know what I do for a living and if they need me I will be there.

For those whose struggle is still going on they know where I am and they know that I will try my hardest to ease their pain.

I have a good week next week starting with being presented with a cheque for Cruse from some wonderful people who have considered us in their fund raising efforts.

Tuesday is my appointment with ENT guy and then reflexology and lunch with Julie.

And then FRIDAY. Well thats when I go to Sheilaghs and we have a whole weekend of SCRAPCAMP.
A whole weekend of talking laughing being silly and maybe doing some scrapbooking??
Think we both need that. She is my best friend in all the world and I love her to bits.......................................

Angel on my shoulder?

2010-07-10T08:25:00.000+01:00

I get my daily horoscope through to my mobile phone for a bit of fun but twice this week it has been so right.

Yesterday I had a "bit of an issue" with my "boss" and felt slightly misunderstood.
I stated that I felt confident with my abilities but she had to add that she thinks I am competent BUT............

I relish constructive criticism but in this case it was unfair comments. We have always got on well and understood each other but this one "issue" has caused some concerns for me in the way it is being handled. She is the person I go to with any concerns so what do I do with this feeling?
I feel very strongly that the way I am dealing with this is correct and I am adhering to policies and procedures. I am not a legal person so I am dealing with it with the skills that I possess.
For anyone who knows me I am like a terrier when I know I am right. So I agree that I do not need others approval to feel comfortable and self confident.

So back to my horoscope. Today is a rare day off so I can relax and enjoy some home time albeit it busy with dissertation again. It is raining outside so no temptation to get out there.
Tomorrow I am working - yes Sunday; helping out my Training Officer to organise next years calendar. I never thought I would say this but I would rather watch the football. Come on Spain and David Villa- think I am in love!!!!.................

Hello trish !
Your Sun Sign: Leo
Date of birth: 15 August 1948

Your daily horoscope for 10 July 2010

You may find yourself in a bit of a funk today for no apparent reason, trish. It could be that the smallest actions of others are rubbing you the wrong way. Perhaps you need to spend some time alone to reconnect with yourself. Remember that you don't need to have the approval of everyone around you in order to feel comfortable and self-confident. This is a feeling that should come from within.

Nice thought.. but................

2010-07-09T07:47:00.000+01:00

My son sold his car to help with his finances. So my husband has "lent" him his free gratis.
Now if I had known that my husband did not need his car then we could have sold it to help with our finances.

So it is a nice thought to help Gary out (he has a motorbike which has just had new tyres and brakes so he is not exactly poor) but as we will still be paying road tax and insurance I can't see any benefit for us.

But because Phil does not think of others very often because of his cognitive condition then I should be really happy that he has done this.

Am I upset because he did not check with me first? A little I guess but more because now we are down to one car which I have particularly tried to avoid for the last 8 years so that Phil could still have his independence. Even though we couldn't really still afford the upkeep of two vehicles?? Which we will still have but will only have the use of one??

I need my car every day so if Phil needs to go somewhere he needs to have his own transport.
Lets see what happens now...................................

Transference

2010-07-08T07:41:00.000+01:00

My "boss" is under pressure so how does that affect me?

Well the pressure is transferred onto me and I am made to feel as if everything is urgent when it clearly is not?

Will I say anything? Probably not. I am extremely organised at work and I will just continue in my normal fashion.

It has worked for more than 6 years??.......................................

Who's watching me??

2010-07-07T07:31:00.000+01:00

Hello trish !
Your Sun Sign: Leo
Date of birth: 15 August 1948

Your daily horoscope for 7 July 2010

Take the time today, trish, to consider your physical and mental health. Given your ambitious nature, these are areas that may be neglected. And one really affects the other. If you put off dealing with issues or overwork your brain, your physical health will suffer for it. Things like excess weight, addictions and bouts of depression are all indicators that there is a lack of balance in your life. See about getting things more in sync.

What can I say?.................................

Emotionally spent

2010-07-05T19:09:00.000+01:00

Work was such an effort for me today. I could have quite easily taken the day off but true to form there I was as usual.

The reason I wanted to take the day off?

Well yesterday I was completely overwhelmed with sadness on my Mum's anniversary. It is 26 years since she died and I really can't remember ever feeling so bad on the day.
Is it because she was my age when she died? Is it because my health is not at it's best?

I think the reason is that I need her more than ever right now. My life is a struggle and much as I laugh and sing and join in the fun I know that things are not right. I spend too much of my time wondering how each day will turn out.

I have developed an irrational aversion to negativity in others and yet I read it in my blog all the time. I have to make a constant effort to be ok. I go through the motions; I smile; I do my job and I play the part.

But my gut is twisting and turning and I know that my Mum could calm me down with her crazy ideas and funny ways. She would put things into perspective and she managed without my Dad for seven years after he died. Why can't I do half as well as she did. I still have my husband albeit a little damaged. She did have me to look after her though? And love her and protect her. I know I did that.

Yesterday I needed her hugs and I willed myself to imagine that she was here but it was agonising and I wept like I can't remember.

So today I am emotionally spent but I think I needed to go through that.
She was a very special lady and I owed her that. I was incredibly blessed.

My Dad was wonderful too and his day will come; he was a quieter man so I do not have the crazy memories so much ; just the memory of the deepest love that a father could give his "little girl"...........................

4th July 1984

2010-07-04T08:29:00.000+01:00

Today is 4th July, Independence Day. It is also 26 years since my Mum died.

She was only 61- my age now; far too young to go.

My Mum was funny, brave, wonderful,wise, and I still miss her every day. I adored her; still do and she adored me. She was always so proud of me and used to sing my praises from the rooftops; even when I didn't think I deserved it.

When she died my voice of reason was taken from me. I became the mother figure in the family and at 35 I was not ready for that. She did however give me the ability to work things out. Not every decision she made in her life was the right one but she was able to admit that just like I do. She was able to treat every problem as a challenge (and she had many of those particularly after Dad died in 1977) and tried to reason it through.

I don't know how I have survived without her this long. I have needed her so many times since she left. I speak to her and think of her every day but as so many of my clients say "just five minutes to hold her" would be so wonderful.

My children have such lovely memories especially Julie who spent a lot of time with her. We laugh when we remember things she said and did.

She was a very brave lady who dealt with Cancer in the most diginified way I have ever witnessed. She made everything as easy as she could for us to deal with and brought laughter until the end. I have her things all around me and today I may weep but I will also laugh.
Love you and miss you so so much my darling Mum xxxx

Out for lunch

2010-07-03T07:51:00.000+01:00

The sun has come out after all the wind and rain. I can put my weather coat back on its hook.
I am out to lunch with a friend today. Joan and I did our Cruse training together in 2001 and apart from Margaret are the only ones left from that course. Volunteering is a gift that you cannot always give. I intended to stay as a Volunteer with Cruse for ever once I had done the training. I never realised that it would become my paid employment and the best job in my life.
I still volunteer but not as often as my job is full time and some. Lots of out of hours work. I miss counselling though and need to get back to seeing clients face to face. I speak to about 30 per day on the phone but nothing beats seeing the progress when a client comes for their first visit and are lost and afraid and through the weeks they emerge from their shell and begin to engage in life again. Now that is priceless.
I run a social group for Cruse clients who have moved on from one to one counselling. This week I was entertained by 8 widows who a short time ago thought that their lives were over. We laughed over lunch and I could see how far they had come. It is the best day in my month.
The downside of my job is the politics. It is everywhere but it can be such a bind. I coordinate the services that are needed with the tools that are provided and then when I meet with my Committee once a month the bar is raised and we need to see more and quicker and all with minimal funding.
But back to the purpose of the Organisation- to help people recover following bereavement. And I think my Team do a damn good job.........................

Recharge necessary

2010-07-02T16:07:00.000+01:00

I finished work at 2pm today when my batteries totally ran out. I took 2 hours TOIL and still have 35 hrs to take! Some hopes!

I am amazed at how so many people try to catch up with their phone calls on a Friday. I try to make sure I have done all my paperwork for the week and am hampered by the phone ringing off the hook. I know - its part of my job - but it can be so frustrating paticularly when I am trying to do statistics and reports.
I think I have moaned about this before. It is a constant battle to keep my brain pliable enough to dart back and forth.

So today at noon I decided that my brain would not last after 2pm.

But still the phone rang until 1.50 and probably is still ringing now............

Progress with reservations

2010-07-01T07:52:00.000+01:00

Well I finally have an appointment 13th July with the consultant to discuss my thyroid.
The thyroid itself seems to be functioning ok according to the tests ( so why am I so tired) but I have cysts and nodules so a probable thyroidectomy on the horizon.

Hospital has always meant a rest for me so I am never nervous of going in. I worry about the silly things like being seen without my dentures !!

I hope that the op will fit in with my hectic schedule but if there have to be cancellations so be it - as long as it is not the scrap camp or the wedding. Being realistic though I guess they will both be well over before the appointment comes through.

I was discussing depression with friends at the weekend and how it takes hold without invitation. I was at the hairdressers last night and as she was running late I started to read a mag. RED July issue has a couple of features about depression. Typically I was half way through when she was ready for my head massage- pre shampoo.
So today I will hopefully buy the mag and finish the feature.

I have never considered myself a moody person and yet inside the pit of my stomach there is often a tidal wave going on. I manage to hide it from the world most of the time (except for my soulmate Sheilagh) but it is painful and exhausting.

And being honest again which I try to be I know that the causes are external most of the time and out of my control. I just don't always handle the pressures I am under every day. I don't have anyone I can scream and shout at in response so I keep it inside where it does no good to my health.

I cannot see a solution so for the time being this is just the way it is. Get on with it - enjoy the good and endure the bad - deja vue!! I am sure I have written this before...................................

Not a perfect solution

2010-06-29T20:07:00.000+01:00

Phil has been off his tranquillisers for a month now. He is still on full dose anti-depressants. He has also stopped taking his statins after hearing of some negative effects.
The results are not as I had hoped. I am sure he feels better and more alert but his aggression has returned and the wine has a quicker effect. So although my dream is to have Phil back again I think I really need to be honest (yet again) and say I really only want the good bits back.....................

More changes

2010-06-22T19:42:00.000+01:00

My job is brilliant. I help to get support for bereaved people. That is a simplistic description and it is a very intense and difficult job . I love it though. However there are more changes on the horizon and more personnel to get used to. As soon as you settle into a familiar pattern then something changes.

I have a great deal of responsibility with very little authority. I am hoping that my new "boss" will change that. It is frustrating to manage 130 volunteers whilst checking your actions at every turn.

It would also be nice for my salary to reflect the responsibilty.

The problem is that I would do the job for free because I love it so much. I am one of those people who enjoys work. I have only ever had one job in my lifetime that I did not enjoy and that was more to do with the people I was working with.

So I will just carry on getting the buzz and one day maybe I will get rewarded but until then...................

Inconceivable

2010-06-16T05:28:00.000+01:00

My baby girl is 40 years old tomorrow.

So this time 40 years ago I was in hospital 9 days late for the birth of my first child. Phil was abroad in the RAF and I was more than a little scared. I was 21 yrs old.
Julie eventually arrived; she was intended to be Sara Jane but then there were so many Saras being born just then so Joanne Clare was an alternative and again the baby before mine was Clare so I remembered friends who had a girl and a boy called Julie and Gary
So when Phil got the telegram to say Julie Anne had arrived he was more than a little bemused!!
Way back then you stayed in hospital much longer following the birth -- 10 days in my case -- and learned how to cope a little bit before they sent you home. I was actually staying with my Mum and Dad whilst Phil was overseas so I had plenty of help (and advice which a new Mum does not always take to.)

All I wanted to do was just sit and stare at this amazingly beautiful creation.
Phil arrived home when Julie was 7 days old and when he came to visit it was love at first sight.
Now I would need to write a very long book to encompass the 40 years since. Those of you who know me will agree that it would consist of many many chapters.
The result is however a daughter who is my wonderful friend and who I adore.

I took her to London for her birthday treat but now I think I should have made a scrapbook or something as apart from a card I have nothing to give her tomorrow.

I could burst with pride when I am with her and am so glad that we have stayed close. Some people are not so fortunate. She lives about 150 yards away and although we can go days without seeing each other due to busy jobs we love to catch up and can talk all the hind legs off all the donkeys in all the fields.

We are meeting up on Friday for a pamper session.

In just over 3 years I will be writing a post about Gary my lovely son who is 37 in October. As different as chalk and cheese but just as loved and adored.

I have been up since 4am. The shows I recorded yesterday on SKY + failed again so I am not a happy bunny about that.

I have a lot on my mind just now and am just about managing to keep everything in separate boxes. It's just as well 40 years ago I did not know what the future would hold...................

Change of fortune

2010-06-14T19:04:00.000+01:00

Well I didn't have a tantrum yesterday; the mood changed and I had a lovely day. I helped out at an "Open Gardens Event" with the Womens Institute. I was in my element selling teas and cakes - took me back to a previous life as a shop-keeper - some of the best times of my life.
Good company and plenty of laughter so the day ended well.
There is another event next Sunday and I am tempted to offer my services again.

It is strange that my job now is such an isolated one and yet I just love being with people. I hope no-one can ever tell I lack confidence!!

Another busy week ahead but par for the course. My energies are up today. I have achieved a lot in the office but still have a mountain to climb. I do have some more fun times Friday Saturday and Sunday to look forward to though.

Phil is content watching football every night and I am happy reading my book just now; Time of my Life by Patrick Swayze and Lisa Niemi; a wonderful love story.....................

Running on empty

2010-06-13T09:15:00.000+01:00

My energy levels are flatlined. I have been running on empty for a couple of weeks now. I am aching all over and yet still doing what I always do; saying yes.
I hope to get an appointment soon regarding my thyroid; need to know what is the plan as I have a busy year and have to work things around it.

I am a routine person; I like my way of organising my day and get anxious when it does not go the right way.
Small things wind me up. Every morning whether I am up at 4.30 like yesterday morning or 7.30 this morning I make my breakfast take my barley grass and sit down in front of the tv to catch up with what I have recorded.
We have Sky HD +. Every now and again it does not work and has to be tweeked to get it going again. The problem is that to tweek it the whole box needs to be removed from the hole in the wall where it fits, turned off ( the plug is a good lean backwards) and then turned back on again.
I cannot physically do this . I cannot bend my knees; if I sit down to reach back then I cannot get back up.
So no tv!! My routine is already off kilter!! So I get my laptop out and now the battery is running low..
Wonder what the rest of the day will bring?? Hope I don't have a tantrum..........

Negative forces

2010-06-09T07:45:00.000+01:00

I had such a lovely day on Sunday but the week has started out very differently.
There are so many issues both at work and at home I can't believe they are all happening at once. Is this a test?

I know I will get through it but it is going to take all my energy to do so.
I will arrive at Sunday with huge relief.

Today I have a huge task which will not be pleasant. My job entails unpleasant tasks with occasional confrontation but I never get used to that.

Home is challenging too with more changes happening to Phil without his tranquillisers. It was a risk I had to take but it is stressful.

So not very much sunshine here just now and my stomach is acting up again and the medication is just not touching it so Gaviscon is the order of the day I think.

I will be back to reflect......................................

Waiting for an appointment

2010-06-04T07:59:00.000+01:00

Still no appointment to see the consultant about these cysts etc. If I don't hear by Monday I will see if I can chase it up. I am so tired and London was wonderful but took the last remnants of energy in my body!! I still ache; I just want to sleep; and yet was up at 5am.

Saturday should be a day of rest but I HAVE to catch up with my dissertation if I am to stand any chance of meeting deadlines.

Sunday will be a lovely day with friends eating wonderful food at Rhiwafallen. Phil will have to get up early but it will be a nice change for him especially having Ralph to chat to.
His "friends" seem to have disappeared and I wonder if they realise I need them as much as Phil does. They all seem to be concerned about his welfare if we meet in the village but thats as far as it goes. He has gone from being the life and soul to being Philly no mates. How sad. I hope that never happens to me; can never imagine it with my wonderful friends.

And then next week starts the madness which is Cruse again.

So off to work now to sort my desk and uncover any important stuff lurking at the bottom. Three days off certainly takes its toll in catching up...............

Aching all over

2010-06-02T12:00:00.000+01:00

Oh how we walked and walked and walked in London.
I ache all over but it was worth it. Dirty Dancing was wonderful but emotional; I am a big fan of Patrick Swayze and he will always be special; luckily Julie feels the same. We talked walked ate shopped just a little (not our normal frantic "have to have it" mode). Of course most of my shopping was notebooks. How many does a girl need? I am sure there is no ceiling on it??
It poured yesterday and we got soaked but ended up in Convent Garden having the most delicious soup and rustic bread. Why don't I eat more soup at home - I say this so often. I love soup - it is comfort food. Not chicken soup which they say is good for the soul though - I am a veggie so tomato or cauliflower or broccoli soups do it for me with lentils wherever they fit.
Our train broke down on the way home and we were delayed about an hour. At one stage we thought that Penny Puma would be trapped overnight in the park and ride but we managed to get them to ring ahead and make arrangements to collect her.

So today I ache all over - it was good thinking to book today off as well. Can't imagine running up those stairs at work. I had my hair done at 9am to get rid of the London grime and intend to relax for the rest of the day. We tried to get the balloon flight for this afternoon but it is full. No surprise.
The rest of June at work looks like being quite intense so I have to make the best of it.

Phil was pleased to see me home last night but it is short lived and today we are back to normal. He was up early to go to the dentist so it will be a long day for him.

I am off to W I tonight and will call at Gary and Kelly's on the way. It was Kelly's birthday yesterday and she asked us to get her a bag at Primark whilst we were in London. We did not realise that Primark is at the furthest end of Oxford St and that Primark is the busiest shop in the world and that the queue would be 60 people long!! But she is worth it; she will be a lovely daughter in law if they can ever afford to marry.

So Phil has just taken Missy for a walk. I will catch up with my finances and assess the damage I have just done in London. Pay the phone bill car tax etc etc

Oh back to normal I guess......................

A glimmer of light

2010-05-31T07:30:00.000+01:00

Phil told me last night that he will miss me while I am away. Not just to do the shopping and make his food but really miss me.
I am away two days and I am sure he will be fine; my son and son in law and
grand daughter are very close at hand for any emergencies which I hope there won't be.

It was just the look on his face that I recognised from long ago. I think he REALLY will miss me...........................

Decision made

2010-05-30T16:49:00.001+01:00

I really enjoyed myself today.
Even though I was all alone I did a lot of crafting and it was so therapeutic. Apart from 48 quickly assembled cards last Sunday I have not done any crafting for weeks. Today I completed two projects and made two lovely (am I modest?) birthday cards.

I spent four hours totally engrossed and loving it. I had coffee then lunch then ran out of things to do.

So I will not be cancelling my crop. I started it for me and it is still for me. It is lovely to have my friends around but that can't always be so I will continue to go once a month and enjoy the freedom and the space that it allows. Next time if I know I will be on my own I will take far more work to do. I feel so fulfilled when I look at the projects I complete.

I was never artistic but I think of this as my late arrival into the art world.

I think it brings me more pleasure than any hobby I have ever had. I was determined NOT to enjoy it six years ago when Sheilagh introduced me to it but try as I might I couldn't resist the pull

thanks Darlin xxxxxxxxxxx

It happened without me even noticing..........

2010-05-30T08:43:00.000+01:00

At what age do we stop looking forward as much and look back more?
It has happened without me even noticing. In my quiet moments now instead of planning what I am going to do I reflect on events in the past. Some from the far past and others more recent. I think the future from my perspective doesn't need as much planning as it used to. It just happens. My emotions carry me through whatever needs to be done. It can't be what I expected it to be any longer because there are some ingredients missing from my "pantry".
I fill my days and weeks and much of it is consolations for the future which should have been. So rather than dwell on that I look back a lot to my history. Good and bad; happy and sad; and some which were very very funny.
My childhood was filled with love and family; not much money but lots of cuddles. I hope that my own children and grandchildren say the same.
It was interesting recently when Julie and I went on a course together. She is now also a volunteer for Cruse. We had to do an exercise which detailed our past.
It was difficult to separate the two versions and I was overwhelmed when I realised that I had given her those memories. You do the best you can for your children and are never sure if it is enough but in my case it seems that I did good.................

I made it

2010-05-29T09:43:00.002+01:00

Well I made it through this week. What a variety of emotions and moods.
Our AGM was a success; not as well attended as I would hope but still a fun day and no hitches. Just wait to see if any monies come our way over the next year to keep our service going. If Cruse North Wales folds who will look after my clients?? Who has the skills or the knowledge?

The balloon flight has been cancelled again due to the rain. Almost on the point of giving up but watch this space.

Tomorrow is my crop and I am not sure who will be there. Possibly just me. People's lives change and with that the demands on those lives. I have run my crop for 2 and a half years now and sadly it looks as though it may end. A decision to be made........

Phil had a stress day yesterday. I knew it would happen when he stopped taking his tranquillisers but we have been quite lucky so far. I have started asking him to meet me after work on Fridays to go for a coffee. It gets him out of the house and just bridges the gap for me from work to home.

He met me at 3.30 and I could tell he was "hyper". Within five minutes I could feel myself winding up. I had planned to shop for a couple of things but changed my mind and we just went for coffee and cake. I was quiet and waited for him to relax. I was glad by the time we arrived home though. It is as if he feels unsafe outside these four walls sometimes.

It is now 9.30 and he will get up at about noon. It is raining outside so I guess the quietest thing I can do is go into my craft room shut the door and sort my things out ready for tomorrow.

Monday - Julie and I are off to London. Early train and we will take my car and leave it overnight at the station. That way we will not inconvenience anyone if there are any delays. I hope the rain goes off and we can have a lovely girly trip.
I plan to do lots of window shopping. As usual I am not taking as much cash as I had expected to. Car tax; phone bill; all landed on the mat last week.

I remember when I first started working for the Health Service in Liverpool in 1964; we were one of the few employers who paid salaries monthly back then. Payday was such a big deal. We all trouped to the bank in convoy; called at the tobacconist on the way back and bought presents for parents ( both smokers) and then went shopping in our lunch break for a new outfit. Same thing every month; no responsibilities; just our "keep" and travel costs to worry about. I even got luncheon vouchers and it was a well paid job.
Now pay day is just a headache. Square peg and round hole!!!

Thats life ; at least I have a job so thats a bonus. Well off to craft room for a couple of hours until His Lordship arises....................................

Stage 2 gone stage 3 to come

2010-05-26T08:04:00.000+01:00

My GP was absorbed by my "very interesting" scan. I have cysts on my isthmus and nodules on the main part of my thyroid. I have to be referred to a consultant who will probably recommend surgery. So I was right last week when I said I would need to have my throat cut. Many a true word said in jest...
So he has fast tracked the referral and I just have to wait now. All I can think about now is all the dates I DO not want it to be. I have so much planned and would rather not have to rearrange. Julie has already suggested getting a black velvet choker in case I still have a scar for the wedding.
Sheilagh has said I will probably lose weight once I go onto Thyroxine so I was right again to delay my diet.
Now all I need to make the situation quite productive is for my tutor to give me a years extension on my dissertation!!

Hot air balloon attempt again Saturday morning; it is getting quite boring now and if it does not happen then I might just go off the idea altogether.

London on Monday --- now that is something I am really looking forward to. Two whole days with my little girl; she is 40 on 17th June but still my little girl. When we are together though we are more like sisters and that does me so much good I can't put it into words.
Dirty Dancing too - it couldn't be a more perfect celebration could it. Our favourite film in all the world. Just wondering which shoes to wear though. When we went to London in January I couldn't walk properly for about three days after!! So it is comfort not style for me.

Well off to work now to complete the preparations for the AGM tomorrow. If I am not prepared after today then it is too bad. This is my 7th AGM in post and can't remember a bad one........................

Grounded again!!

2010-05-23T16:11:00.000+01:00

Feel a bit like a BA flight attendant- are we aren't we. Well we are not. There is too much wind in Cheshire to fly. So maybe next Saturday or Sunday. We have had the voucher extended until the end of May so after that if we don't go it looks like we have lost it. Such an expensive failure!!!!!!!

So I am dangerously browsing the web and feeling the need for compensation. Have just ordered some craft goodies; looked at ebay for the 1st edition book but whoever said it was worth thousands must have a gold lined copy as they are pretty much affordable. I will still try to find my copy just in case.

Now which site can I go on to now...................................
oops remembering I am going to London next week so maybe I will just browse and make a wish list......................

Just a little wind

2010-05-23T12:11:00.000+01:00

Well the trees say there is a very light wind; what will the balloonist say? Last time there was no wind here and yet we couldn't go. Julie will be ringing in about an hour to find out if we are up up and away or grounded again.

I spent the night on the couch; no we hadn't had a row; that doesn't happen any more; I had a real sickness episode as soon as I had fallen to sleep and rather than disturb Phil up and down to the bathroom (our bathroom is at the bottom of the stairs) I came down with a blanket and slept quite well.
I still feel a little sickly and reflux is constant again. Still waiting for that checkup following endoscopy.

This blog was started to talk about my life as a carer but lately I have spent more time talking about my own health. I think the fact that I am a carer makes these problems more significant. I need to be ok to care for Phil. He is not capable of caring for me any more. Consequently he is getting stressed at the thought of me not being well which in turn makes it more difficult for me to cope with him..........

I am sure that all carers recognise this. You have to be on top form to cope both physically and emotionally. Our role is to protect and shield our loved ones from harm. Very often we also have to fight for their needs. Maybe my recent fight for Phils improvement has worn me down and resulted in these little health blips??

In the meantime I will wait to see if I can fly high in the sky across the Cheshire countryside for just an hour this evening. Last time was heaven; like floating................................

Bit dramatic

2010-05-22T17:45:00.000+01:00

Reading my blog again it looked a bit dramatic. I was joking about the throat cutting thing!! I think.
Whatever has to be done is ok. I will probably go to the GP to be told antibiotics again and the worst that will happen will be UTI again; side effects.
If I need surgery then that is ok too. This body as got away quite lightly over its 61 years.

I managed to make 50 greeting cards today to sell at our AGM on Thursday. Every little helps. Our financial situation (Cruse) is quite dire and I am already thinking about formulating a plan B.

If I wasn't so idle I could make a fortune on ebay. I bought a first edition of Harry Potter's first book which I believe is worth quite a bit but I can't find it!! I have either lent it out or Phil has put it in the loft.

I have a house full of "stuff" a lot of which I don't use or need. Perhaps I will try a couple of things and see how it goes. The wrapping and posting is the only thing that puts me off and that can't be so hard.

Fingers crossed for the balloon flight tomorrow; getting frustrated now- so close each time.

Well my battery is low and Phil wants feeding..........................

Waiting for results

2010-05-21T16:52:00.001+01:00

Waiting for a call from GP now. Had several opinions from non medical people and the general consensus is that I will probably have to have my throat cut!!!! Mind boggles.
All I can think of is how much time will I need off work?

There is nobody to do my job whilst I am away and so what will my clients do ......................................................

Ulta sound

2010-05-20T21:40:00.000+01:00

Managed to get a cancellation for a scan yesterday. The bleeps kept coming and I was told that cysts had been identified; I was hoping that each bleep wasn't a cyst. If that is the case then I have 28 cysts!!!
Have to wait for a week now to see GP about possible treatment. How will they treat cysts in my throat?? or windpipe or epiglottis or wherever they happen to be??

Work is still silly. Too much happening and not enough time to coordinate it all. I am sure I will get it all done by next Thursday. There is my blind faith again.

Found out last night that I am going to be a Great Grandmother again. That will be three. Anthony my 20 year old Grandson and his Fiance Mandy are going to have a baby around January. So that is what my family do well- breed!!!
I love it...................................