Time out

I am popping in to read blogs but my thoughts are still too muddled to post my own. I will be back shortly but I have a few loose ends to tidy up first. All I can say is that there is a lot happening here just now; some things are massive and some more subtle; some good and some not so.
I start the week wondering if I will make it to friday and I have done so far but I still always wonder.
So please bear with me for a little while longer.........................

Apologies

I am just too tired to blog right now.................

Take a step back

I have far too much on my mind.

Some things deserve attention; some are insignificant. I seem to have lost the ability to sort out which is which.

It's like having a brain full of spiders all running different ways and affecting my thoughts in the same fashion. My conversations are also erratic with no calm flow.

Work yesterday was a struggle and although I always achieve enough I wasn't sure which was a priority. I pride myself on being able to do that normally.
So what is causing this blip?

Maybe I will get time to discover this at my weekend away with Sheilagh. Time to reflect and consider my choices. Do I have any choices now that is the question.................................................

Now the waiting game

I went to see the consultant yesterday -I thought to get an appointment for a thyroidectomy.

After having a disgusting procedure with anaesthetising my thoat and putting a tube with a camera on up my nose and down my throat - yuk - he said I need more tests.

He has told me he really does not think it is cancerous but needs a biopsy to rule it out completely then another scan. More blood taken yesterday whilst I was there (why is it as we get older we have bruising after everything?).

So I have to wait for the appointment for the biopsy and scan then see him again in 6 weeks.
He will then decide if I need to op. At least I won't have to be in recovery for the wedding so that is the good side.

Two things surprised me during the consultation; broccoli and cabbage can damage the thyroid and HAIR DYE. He has asked me to stop using it. OMG how do I get around that one? I don't even know what my real colour is and I am really not ready to "grow old gracefully".

Julie suggested I have extensions but that does not help the roots.

I am going to do some research first and see if there is a thyroid friendly hair colour. The one I use is animal based I think- is that as harmful? I have coloured my hair for 47 years and I can't see myself just stopping..........

That was a week that was................

An eventful week to say the least. Sad stressful revealing empowering humbling.

I have felt every emotion this week and responded to everything in what I hope was a good way.

I have been aware of the torment of several people this week and for those of them who have to pick up the pieces following their loss I hope that they survive. They know what I do for a living and if they need me I will be there.

For those whose struggle is still going on they know where I am and they know that I will try my hardest to ease their pain.

I have a good week next week starting with being presented with a cheque for Cruse from some wonderful people who have considered us in their fund raising efforts.

Tuesday is my appointment with ENT guy and then reflexology and lunch with Julie.

And then FRIDAY. Well thats when I go to Sheilaghs and we have a whole weekend of SCRAPCAMP.
A whole weekend of talking laughing being silly and maybe doing some scrapbooking??
Think we both need that. She is my best friend in all the world and I love her to bits.......................................

Angel on my shoulder?

I get my daily horoscope through to my mobile phone for a bit of fun but twice this week it has been so right.

Yesterday I had a "bit of an issue" with my "boss" and felt slightly misunderstood.
I stated that I felt confident with my abilities but she had to add that she thinks I am competent BUT............

I relish constructive criticism but in this case it was unfair comments. We have always got on well and understood each other but this one "issue" has caused some concerns for me in the way it is being handled. She is the person I go to with any concerns so what do I do with this feeling?
I feel very strongly that the way I am dealing with this is correct and I am adhering to policies and procedures. I am not a legal person so I am dealing with it with the skills that I possess.
For anyone who knows me I am like a terrier when I know I am right. So I agree that I do not need others approval to feel comfortable and self confident.

So back to my horoscope. Today is a rare day off so I can relax and enjoy some home time albeit it busy with dissertation again. It is raining outside so no temptation to get out there.
Tomorrow I am working - yes Sunday; helping out my Training Officer to organise next years calendar. I never thought I would say this but I would rather watch the football. Come on Spain and David Villa- think I am in love!!!!.................


Hello trish !
Your Sun Sign: Leo
Date of birth: 15 August 1948

Your daily horoscope for 10 July 2010

You may find yourself in a bit of a funk today for no apparent reason, trish. It could be that the smallest actions of others are rubbing you the wrong way. Perhaps you need to spend some time alone to reconnect with yourself. Remember that you don't need to have the approval of everyone around you in order to feel comfortable and self-confident. This is a feeling that should come from within.

Nice thought.. but................

My son sold his car to help with his finances. So my husband has "lent" him his free gratis.
Now if I had known that my husband did not need his car then we could have sold it to help with our finances.

So it is a nice thought to help Gary out (he has a motorbike which has just had new tyres and brakes so he is not exactly poor) but as we will still be paying road tax and insurance I can't see any benefit for us.

But because Phil does not think of others very often because of his cognitive condition then I should be really happy that he has done this.

Am I upset because he did not check with me first? A little I guess but more because now we are down to one car which I have particularly tried to avoid for the last 8 years so that Phil could still have his independence. Even though we couldn't really still afford the upkeep of two vehicles?? Which we will still have but will only have the use of one??

I need my car every day so if Phil needs to go somewhere he needs to have his own transport.
Lets see what happens now...................................

Transference

My "boss" is under pressure so how does that affect me?

Well the pressure is transferred onto me and I am made to feel as if everything is urgent when it clearly is not?

Will I say anything? Probably not. I am extremely organised at work and I will just continue in my normal fashion.

It has worked for more than 6 years??.......................................

Who's watching me??

Hello trish !
Your Sun Sign: Leo
Date of birth: 15 August 1948

Your daily horoscope for 7 July 2010

Take the time today, trish, to consider your physical and mental health. Given your ambitious nature, these are areas that may be neglected. And one really affects the other. If you put off dealing with issues or overwork your brain, your physical health will suffer for it. Things like excess weight, addictions and bouts of depression are all indicators that there is a lack of balance in your life. See about getting things more in sync.

What can I say?.................................

Emotionally spent

Work was such an effort for me today. I could have quite easily taken the day off but true to form there I was as usual.

The reason I wanted to take the day off?

Well yesterday I was completely overwhelmed with sadness on my Mum's anniversary. It is 26 years since she died and I really can't remember ever feeling so bad on the day.
Is it because she was my age when she died? Is it because my health is not at it's best?

I think the reason is that I need her more than ever right now. My life is a struggle and much as I laugh and sing and join in the fun I know that things are not right. I spend too much of my time wondering how each day will turn out.

I have developed an irrational aversion to negativity in others and yet I read it in my blog all the time. I have to make a constant effort to be ok. I go through the motions; I smile; I do my job and I play the part.

But my gut is twisting and turning and I know that my Mum could calm me down with her crazy ideas and funny ways. She would put things into perspective and she managed without my Dad for seven years after he died. Why can't I do half as well as she did. I still have my husband albeit a little damaged. She did have me to look after her though? And love her and protect her. I know I did that.

Yesterday I needed her hugs and I willed myself to imagine that she was here but it was agonising and I wept like I can't remember.

So today I am emotionally spent but I think I needed to go through that.
She was a very special lady and I owed her that. I was incredibly blessed.

My Dad was wonderful too and his day will come; he was a quieter man so I do not have the crazy memories so much ; just the memory of the deepest love that a father could give his "little girl"...........................

4th July 1984

Today is 4th July, Independence Day. It is also 26 years since my Mum died.

She was only 61- my age now; far too young to go.

My Mum was funny, brave, wonderful,wise, and I still miss her every day. I adored her; still do and she adored me. She was always so proud of me and used to sing my praises from the rooftops; even when I didn't think I deserved it.

When she died my voice of reason was taken from me. I became the mother figure in the family and at 35 I was not ready for that. She did however give me the ability to work things out. Not every decision she made in her life was the right one but she was able to admit that just like I do. She was able to treat every problem as a challenge (and she had many of those particularly after Dad died in 1977) and tried to reason it through.

I don't know how I have survived without her this long. I have needed her so many times since she left. I speak to her and think of her every day but as so many of my clients say "just five minutes to hold her" would be so wonderful.

My children have such lovely memories especially Julie who spent a lot of time with her. We laugh when we remember things she said and did.

She was a very brave lady who dealt with Cancer in the most diginified way I have ever witnessed. She made everything as easy as she could for us to deal with and brought laughter until the end. I have her things all around me and today I may weep but I will also laugh.
Love you and miss you so so much my darling Mum xxxx

Out for lunch

The sun has come out after all the wind and rain. I can put my weather coat back on its hook.
I am out to lunch with a friend today. Joan and I did our Cruse training together in 2001 and apart from Margaret are the only ones left from that course. Volunteering is a gift that you cannot always give. I intended to stay as a Volunteer with Cruse for ever once I had done the training. I never realised that it would become my paid employment and the best job in my life.
I still volunteer but not as often as my job is full time and some. Lots of out of hours work. I miss counselling though and need to get back to seeing clients face to face. I speak to about 30 per day on the phone but nothing beats seeing the progress when a client comes for their first visit and are lost and afraid and through the weeks they emerge from their shell and begin to engage in life again. Now that is priceless.
I run a social group for Cruse clients who have moved on from one to one counselling. This week I was entertained by 8 widows who a short time ago thought that their lives were over. We laughed over lunch and I could see how far they had come. It is the best day in my month.
The downside of my job is the politics. It is everywhere but it can be such a bind. I coordinate the services that are needed with the tools that are provided and then when I meet with my Committee once a month the bar is raised and we need to see more and quicker and all with minimal funding.
But back to the purpose of the Organisation- to help people recover following bereavement. And I think my Team do a damn good job.........................

Recharge necessary

I finished work at 2pm today when my batteries totally ran out. I took 2 hours TOIL and still have 35 hrs to take! Some hopes!

I am amazed at how so many people try to catch up with their phone calls on a Friday. I try to make sure I have done all my paperwork for the week and am hampered by the phone ringing off the hook. I know - its part of my job - but it can be so frustrating paticularly when I am trying to do statistics and reports.
I think I have moaned about this before. It is a constant battle to keep my brain pliable enough to dart back and forth.

So today at noon I decided that my brain would not last after 2pm.

But still the phone rang until 1.50 and probably is still ringing now............

Progress with reservations

Well I finally have an appointment 13th July with the consultant to discuss my thyroid.
The thyroid itself seems to be functioning ok according to the tests ( so why am I so tired) but I have cysts and nodules so a probable thyroidectomy on the horizon.

Hospital has always meant a rest for me so I am never nervous of going in. I worry about the silly things like being seen without my dentures !!

I hope that the op will fit in with my hectic schedule but if there have to be cancellations so be it - as long as it is not the scrap camp or the wedding. Being realistic though I guess they will both be well over before the appointment comes through.

I was discussing depression with friends at the weekend and how it takes hold without invitation. I was at the hairdressers last night and as she was running late I started to read a mag. RED July issue has a couple of features about depression. Typically I was half way through when she was ready for my head massage- pre shampoo.
So today I will hopefully buy the mag and finish the feature.

I have never considered myself a moody person and yet inside the pit of my stomach there is often a tidal wave going on. I manage to hide it from the world most of the time (except for my soulmate Sheilagh) but it is painful and exhausting.

And being honest again which I try to be I know that the causes are external most of the time and out of my control. I just don't always handle the pressures I am under every day. I don't have anyone I can scream and shout at in response so I keep it inside where it does no good to my health.

I cannot see a solution so for the time being this is just the way it is. Get on with it - enjoy the good and endure the bad - deja vue!! I am sure I have written this before...................................