Out of hibernation

It's New Years Eve- where have I been?
Hiding from the world I think.
But it worked; I have sorted my mind out.
2009 has not been a good year for me. I have needed my Mum so many times!!
I have had to fight all year to get some attention paid to Phil's worsening condition. 30th September we finally had a decision to have a new MRI scan.

PROGRESS!!

I was exhausted by then and have been ever since. He had the scan on 19th December and now we have to wait for the results. Why do we always have to fight for care?? Why do we have to fight to be heard??
Whatever the results are some action will be taken. We can move forward in some way.
So now I have to get myself back to some sort of sanity. I have been very lazy since I finished work for the holidays; lots of sitting watching craft or food programmes on TV. I am not so tired now; the rest has done me good.

The biggest step I took was to come off the Prozac and go back on HRT. I feel so much better physically but also emotionally having made the decision. They work for many people but I did not like myself at all. I had butterflies constantly; felt anxious constantly; was fatigued constantly.
Today I feel more like me. I am calmer and my mind is clearer. 2010 has to see me getting back to where I was in 2008. That was a good place to be and I was almost content with my life. I had some guilt but was sensible enough to know that if I was happy then I could cope with Phil better. I filled my time with a variety of things I enjoyed with people who I love.
2009 saw me considering Phil much more than before. It also made me more aware that this Phil is so different and his needs are different whilst mine are still the same as before. But still I tried to please him by spending more time with him.
And that is why I was dragged down to a scary place. Depression is contageous.

I am not making New Year resolutions; I am just determined to find the balance again. I need to be as happy as I can for the rest of my life. Phil no longer has the ability to contribute to this like before so it is all up to me.
I have to ignore the inner voice that calls me selfish when I leave him to go out for the day or even the weekend. I have to enjoy my life to the best of my ability or live with resentment and regrets. I know which I have chosen now.
I have so much support and am grateful to everyone who has put up with me this year whilst I have been a PAIN.
I am back - better stronger braver calmer; I will still fight for his care but I will also fight for mine..........................................

Time flies by

So I have just sat on the couch every night this week (apart from Monday) and done absolutely nothing. No blogs ; facebook only from my blackberry ; got 44 emails to read. AND I haven't lost an ounce and yet I have hardly eaten this week??? In fact I have put 2lb on. Is that the medication? Sods law just when I was getting back on track.
Medication not kicked in yet; still got butterflies and nausea. Just seem to want everything to go on around me without having to make any effort. Wonder if this is how Phil has felt for the last seven years. I am sure it is. I hate it.
Going to try and do my cards today but if I don't well I will be late with them again.
Was hoping to go away next weekend but Phil's MRI has come through for Saturday. I need to go with him; it's my life as well. Was going to go to She's for the day on Sunday instead but Phil says it is too much in one day so watch this space!!
Where is that independent strong lady of the last few years?? Worn down by fears for the future?? I guess so.
Now I realise why I am not blogging every day; its just too hard to see in black and white every single day.
Tomorrow I will wake up and want to be here?? Here's hoping ................

Moodmeter

Keep forgetting this moodmeter but to be honest today I am still ANXIOUS so getting a bit monotonous isn't it? .....................

11.56 he finally got up

I really don't know how anyone can sleep every day til nearly noon. What a waste. Did manage to get him to do a couple of tasks done though, not willingly but done anyway. Now I am going to have a relax myself. Busy week ahead again so because this Tigger has lost her bounce I will struggle. The weeks are going so quickly though and I am coping even with the struggle.
I spent three hours yesterday watching great grandaughter Chloe at her first horse show. Was I proud? She did so well. She is just 6 and so happy on a horse.
I realised that what is missing from my life is laughter. The last time I had a laugh was at Tracys when I nearly fell in her door; before that it was Frodsham with She. I need to laugh and be silly and I am not doing it. I realise that some of the negativity in my life is my own fault but there is also some that is forced upon me by certain people. What to do? Tell them? Avoid them?
I need to laugh until I cry so looking forward to spending a weekend with She on 19th. Going to Chester Zoo so I can laugh at the monkies!!!!
Work is sorted there is not a problem although I thought there was; finances are as stable as I can expect for a shopaholic; home is not where the heart is at the moment; health is erratic but am expecting improvement. So I am doing my best to tick the boxes that I can. As for the ones I can't -I will just have to be patient and trust that things will improve.
But I can smile and think of Kyle Chloe and Brooke and know how blessed I really am.................................

Sleeping "beauty"

Well it is Sunday already and Phil is still in bed. Have been up since 7 and have showered, sorted finances, dusted all the "undusted for weeks" surfaces (breaking a little angel in the process - silly me- not sentimental bought it at Mount Etna ) and now going to scan some photographs . And still managed to watch Oprah and Fern Britton. And still he sleeps..................

blog lazy

have just noticed my last post was Monday. Think that is a sign of how I feel. My morning posts are heavier than evening ones so assessing my mood through the day is not easy. Todays moodmeter at 7am is ANXIOUS.....................

SUPERGRAN

I used to think I was superwoman. Now I am more like supergran!
Not coping with much just now and its all closing in. Someone put the light out at the end of the tunnel and I was relying on that.
Work is not as great as it was; finances seem to have imploded; health and energy level is crap; Phil is still surprising me with more problems.
So thats the way it is. What to do? As usual head down and get on with it. Can deal with work; finances will sort themselves out by next week; am trying to get help with health and energy so that just leaves Phil. That is ongoing.....................

Moodmeter

Bit fed up.................

Moodmeter

Forgot the mood meter today- NAUSEOUS ................is that a mood?? maybe not..........

Weather determining my mood

Got up at 6.30 had breakfast watched a bit of news and then went back to bed til 10. Why? Because I could!!!
Have since sorted lots of stuff in my craft room; loads of things for the charity shop; uploaded some picks; shredded some docs and now have to face the budget!!! AAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh. Won the lottery last week £10 and again last night £10. I'm not ungrateful folks but can you do a little better next time please. They are obviously not concentrating enough.
Phil said he was going to get up early today because I was at home. ?????11.45!!!
Oh of course the derby match is on silly me- thought he wanted to help me with some jobs.
Have told him I have a couple of things for him to do after the match- we will see. Was thinking of asking for help from kids yesterday but put it off yet again. Phil is NOT incapapable of doing these things he just doesn't!!!!!
Still suffering with horrible nausea; its either the new tabs or still the gastritis not cleared. Have chased my check up up!!!
Supposed to be going out tomorrow night for a Christmas meal but really want to cancel; but I have missed these folks who I am going with so I probably will go. Just not feeling sociable I guess ...........................

Successful

The scrapbook went down well and I was satisfied to hand it over. Because this is the second one for the same person I received some vouchers for Holland Arms craft shop. Really didn't want anything as I enjoyed doing it but I know I can have a nice spend too. I have a little list of stuff I NEED.....................

Nausea

Feel a bit sick this morning - could be the new medication. Have a lot to do today so just have to work through it. Hoping to finish and deliver the scrapbook ( and be happy with it) ; clear more clutter in my craft room; do December budget; and then get out my papers for dissertation tomorrow. Why don't I just have a weekend to sit and watch TV or stay in bed?? One day maybe..............................
mood meter-ANXIOUS..............................

Moodmeter

Need a moodmeter for the next few weeks. Might just add to sidebar. Todays mood INDIFFERENT. Think it will be just one word per day knowing me................

Teething problems

Almost finished the scrapbook for Nicola. Have realised however that although I love the new desk my room is much too crowded. Having to limbo far too much and no surfaces to put things on one side. So once I have finished the book tomorrow the next task (after I have done my budget) is to clear some space in the room. Think I will need to put some of my lovely tools in drawers out of the way. That will free up one full table so it makes sense.
Once again I have enjoyed doing the book . I have more confidence in this one because I was given dates and information with the photographs. That means I have scrapped them in sequence; always helpful.
Next I have Poppy's book to do then Gwawr's then a CJ for January. Still finding it so relaxing but not enought time. Need to make some Christmas cards for work too.
Have got Sunday free this week so intend to do 500 words minimum on my dissertation and spend some time crafting.
Phil will get up at noon as usual so I will have loads done by then anyway.
Need to load his car with charity stuff to clear the bedroom so I can get to clean around the windows.
Hopefully I will achieve all this and more ......................................

Coincidence

Money is the name of the game today, Trish. The vibration from an Eight energy will have you considering your goals and career ambitions along with the income you presently live on. It may be that you want to see this improve, or you want a job that feels more right for you. Whatever the case, today is an excellent time to review this area. Take a look at your budget and your long-term goals. Consider what provisions you have set up for the future and talk to someone if you need guidance.


My stars today on the job evaluation day! I was also talking about making a will- how spooky .....................

Snap Snap Snap

And again- having a go at Phil for not listening!!
Does he usually? Not all the time but I need him to now. Not even meeting half way in our conversations because he doesn't really know what I am talking about most of the time. And even if he did his responses are not always appropriate.
Patience my child I can hear my Dad say...................................

Admit defeat

Eventually had doctors appointment. Not been coping at all for at least three months and whilst trying to struggle on have been getting worse. Had expected to be put back on HRT and that was what I asked for but that wasn't an option offered.
So from tonight I am on Prozac. Never ever thought that was something that I would agree to. My darling Mum was on tablets for all of the life I knew with her and I now know it affected me greatly. I have fought against this for so long.

Phil is upset because he is on antidepressants -are they the same as his? why am I having them? is it because of him? why why why he is asking. I got upset and he tried to give me a hug but it was more of a hold than a hug!!

Anyway lets wait and see . After all this is all about life as the wife and carer of a brain injury survivor. Noone said it was going to be easy!!!! Perhaps they will help - think positive thoughts -- OK
Oh I forgot to mention I have started talking to myself too ha ha ..................

Not a good sign

Really didn't want to be in work today- not a good sign. Could have caused a hurricane with my sighs!!!
Got a boost when my darling Chloe rang me up to say thank you for My Little Pony we bought for her birthday.
Football on so really need to go upstairs and do the scrapbook for Dave. Did some cropping this morning and papers are sorted so just need to choose layouts now.
Am having Friday off and will finish it then.
Was going to cancel the day off Friday and go into work instead but I really don't want to?????
Job evaluation on Thursday and depending on results of that I may evaluate my job!!!
Never thought I would say that but its not been fun lately. Silly thing to say about dealing with death but I normally have fun.
What sort of career change can I do at 61 I wonder. Always fancied counselling teenagers or a complete extreme going into old Peoples homes and doing craft with them. How different are those two things??
Need a crystal ball I think.........................................

Totally bushed!!

First day back at work today. Was really looking forward to it but I am totally worn out.
Had two meetings in Bangor this afternoon and didn't get home til 6pm and then had to start a meal. Snapped at Phil again but he just stands and watches me cook. He says it is because he has been on his own all day but I need to do the meal before I can chat.
He comments about everything I am doing- have you done too many potatoes; have you put salt on that: do you need to turn that down. He also puts things away before I have finished with them; I turn around to use them and he has put them back in the fridge etc etc etc .
Really think that is getting worse!! Anyway told him to go and sit down so now he is a bit cool. Understandably I guess.
I have a scrapbook to finish by Friday- should be upstairs working on it now- not the right time cause I will do it wrong. I have an idea what I am doing with it but not tonight.
Think I might have an early night...........................

New mantra new layout

Changed my layout really because the weight loss tracker wouldn't fit in the original one! Simple as that. Not sure how happy I am with it; comments welcome.
Could use a colour wheel right now but never managed to find one............................

New mantra

If you always do what you always did you will always get what you always got.
So you see it is my own fault what happens to me!!
I must take control of the areas of my life that I can. My work; my family and friends; my pleasures; all possibilities where I can do it my way. I think I was fast losing control of even those parts of my life.
But along came "She" again with the wise and sometimes emotional words of advice. I know she speaks the truth. She knows us both and has watched the journey from near and sometimes from afar. I need to be just a little more selfish?? I need to feel comfortable with that?? I need to tell Phil what is making me unhappy?? I need to reorganise my priorties -in- life list pushing myself further towards the top?? I need to stop putting question marks after all these and just do it!!!
I am going to try. My diary will be organised with lots of goodies to look forward to with or without Phil; sometimes his choice sometimes mine.
Puppy dog syndrome is for life but I will not let it cloud my judgement so much. I tell people I am naive but I am not sure if gullible is the better word. I will try to change that. No more mountains to climb my knees won't take it. The challenges I set myself from now on will be for my benefit not that of others. Who do I need to please??? ME............................................
Let's be honest at my age I should know the ropes shouldn't I??

weight tracker??

Trying to get a weight tracker installed. How difficut is this. As soon as you say copy and paste URL etc etc I go green and stupid!!!

Buddah's back

Oh dear sitting here this morning feeling fat again. I had done so well and lost a stone but 10 pound of that has crept back on . I took my eye off the game and let other things distract me. I will get back to it as I was feeling so much more comfortable. My stomach was better, my clothes fit nicer and I generally felt more comfortable. Not like this little buddah!!
So the plan is: after going out for my meal with Angie tomorrow I will get back on track. I will go back to what I was doing before which was working so "good to know diets " here I come. I need the discipline you see. Need someone looking over my shoulder who will ask me once a week how have you done? Not in a judgemental way but in a supportive manner. So that is on the agenda for next week as well as sorting out my "indulgence" budget so that I save a little often and cover all my naughty costs before they happen.
I used to be organised in so many ways; I need to get back there I am much happier being in control of the things that I can be. Makes the other things easier to accept. "She" gave me a card recently stating just that. Accept the things you cannot change. I am trying......................................

The calm after the storm

What a lovely day. Yesterday was wild and today the sun is shining and the sky is bright. Happens with life too. Puppy dog syndrome can be a curse. I was back to parent last night scolding child!! Two bottles of wine despite my request not to?? I need a new mantra..........................

MIZPAH

May the Lord watch over thee and me when we are parted one from the other. That is what my NEW tattoo means. I love it. Ben reckons I am working towards a cuff but I think I am heading for a sleeve!!
Horrendous day weather wise. Got buffeted and blown everywhere both in the car and out. Arrived at Tracys and promptly fell into her house cause I couldn't see where I was going!! Stayed for a lovely natter and a pannad.
Going to Trearddur Bay for lunch with Sue tomorrow. That will be rough right on the headland. But it isn't cold??? Really wierd weather.
Sitting comfortably now in my dressing gown ready for Children in Need concert.

Managed to do my job evaluation this morning - hoping it will lead to a payrise but not holding my breath. Couldn't love my job more than I do but a payrise would make me smile so much more on payday. It would also fund this extravagant lifestyle I am sliding into!! Budget says Sam. Budget says "She". Spend says me because I am worth it......................................................

Week off ???

Well just a quick dip in to say I am half way through my week off and have hardly done anything on the list. Apart from getting the desk up and beginning to sort my craft room which will take another couple of weeks, I am still looking at the list and trying to work it out.
Sent a text to "She" yesterday of all the things I need to do this week before going back to work and it scared me!!!

I am so glad I had the weekend at Forest Hills. It was once again fabulous and quality time with "She". Rosemary and Nige and their team of lovelies are the best and made it real fun. Also met some more lovely people who supported "She" and I when we got stressed. Judy; Vicky; Sue and Estella; four friends from North Wales. Hopefully we will see them again next year. Came away on Sunday tired but inspired having booked two retreats for next year!!!!

Have to go and do some work this morning as I couldn't get anyone to fill in for me at a drop in session. It is usually quiet and I just catch up with paperwork but knowing how busy my week is getting I will probably be rushed off my feet.
I am not going to list here everything I have to complete by Sunday or I will have palpitations!!

Off to Tresygawen Hall tonight for the Year of Indulgence 2010 launch. Haven't decided whether to do it again yet. Really can't afford it but its the old story I don't drink don't smoke dont go out with strange men??? But I do craft and that takes up most of my "extra" cash these days!!!!!!
Watch this space.......................................

Once again amazes me!!

Well what did I say? I went into my craft room to start moving stuff around making space for the desk and I knocked some boxes over- not intentionally!! but Phil woke up and actually got up- 10.30 am!! earliest for months.

I am all packed and ready to go- have sent apologies for my meeting tonight as the weather is horrendous and it is a 50 mile round trip. I hate having to cancel but I really hate night driving in these conditions more!! So now I need to figure out how to get shopping for Phil tomorrow before I leave?? Hair appointment 9am so need to get shopping and back by then.

OR I could just make a list and let him go shopping himself?????
Might discuss that; don't need much ????

Always having to make things ok before I go away for a few days. Before- I just used to go and let him get on with it........................

Going to be a long day

Have been awake since 4am and up since 6am. Thank goodness for Sky plus and Oprah- I was weeping as usual!! Marie Osmond did it this time!!!

Well it is going to be a long day. No work except for a meeting in Bangor from 4-6.
Got to pack my case and sort my craft bag out for the weekend; iron a few things; sort the shopping and finances out so can leave Phil some pennies whilst I am away.

Wonder what time he will get up; he knows I am off so you would think he would get up before noon wouldn't you- watch this space. He has to check my oil tyres and water ready for my trip.

Wish the house was cosy; don't know when it last was; I am much more comfortable out of the house.

Need to try and get craft room ready for the desk; Phil has already broken a corner off it!! Might end up with an altered desk!! I am sure it will be ok eventually.
Where is the little man under the stairs?
Time to get dressed for the day; here goes ...................

Take a break

I finished work tonight until 23rd November. Got my lovely craft weekend ahead with "She" and then lots to do next week with housework and dissertation. Will miss work but I have to say the phone has been driving me mad the last week or so- just never stops !!
I will do my usual on Monday morning and make a list of intentions for the week. Then on Sunday 22nd will look at how much I managed.
There are some things booked - tattoos; Rhiwafallen; maybe lunch with Sue if she is available?? The rest of the week will be head down and do as much as I can.
Hope my energy levels can cope............................

Too tired to blog

Sorry I am just too tired .....................................

HRT

Ok so maybe coming off the patches was not such a good idea. If I think back I haven't felt right since then. Maybe many coincidences but I don't think so. I have been on them since 1997 and have always felt great; hardly got colds ; rarely been ill; never had a day off work sick; then they started to suggest (the GP's that is) that I come off them. I refused to even think about it but reduced the strength for a while. Then I just couldn't get an appointment to fit so decided it was a good time to try and stop them because I didn't have any left.
I feel sluggish all the time; my joints ache constantly so I have to take painkillers; have just had the mother of all colds and still have coldsores; my skin is rubbish and I feel low emotionally. So what else can it be??
I am having some time off work next week so will try and get an appointment and discuss it and maybe go back on HRT?? in some form or another.
Can't cope with these mood swings especially when I used to complain about Phil's!!
And can't cope with snapping at Phil when it feels so bad afterwards. Like guilt trip after scolding a child!!!.......................................

Tetchy!!

Does consuming too much chocolate make you tetchy??
I snapped at Phil last night which I don't do often these days. Had a choco headache was really tired and fed up with him asking me the same question 4 times as if it were the first time he had asked.
His wine and my chocolate obviously do not mix- must note that but actually after my "laboured" loo call this morning (too much information???) I have decided that chocolate is OUT. It really is bad for me in every way. So I guess I will be on the fudge and nougat if I have to have sweeties!!

Watched Robbie Williams last night and was expecting to be disappointed but once again I was blown away. He is just amazing and I hope that he settles down with his lady and enjoys his life instead of battling with it. He is a born entertainer and could sing baa baa black sheep and capture the audience. Saw him in Amsterdam and would love to go to see him again.

Well my desk is in Focus. So much for telling me it would be another two weeks. I am tempted to collect it today but then I know that it will take Phil a while to sort it and then maybe not to my satisfaction???
Would like a do it yourself man in the cupboard under the stairs!!!

This is my second weekend off on the trot and I am hoping to achieve more this time than last- I say that every time I have a weekend off!! Have to take a bit of time to rest but so much to do and sort. Perhaps I should start with organising my diary now that I will have to fit Headway in somewhere again. Phil is telling me not to get my hopes up about that in case it goes wrong but I am an optimist so here's hoping.....................................

Sweet tooth

Why oh why has my sweet tooth returned with a vengeance. I have been able to control it for the last few months but it is back, I am even tempted to use 2 sweetex!! Is it the cold weather?? I went to Tescos last night bought dog meat and milk and then wandered and bought after eight mints aero bubbles ben and jerrys ice cream and toffee cheesecake!! What is that all about?
So the chocolate is well gone and I feel really lethargic again this morning. Any tips for sweet tooth destruction please. Was told Vit B12 but have tried that and it doesnt seem to work. Think I will get some cashew nuts for tonight and see if I can break the habit- but they are fattening aren't they??
I never used to eat anything after my evening meal but now I really feel the need - not through hunger????
My midriff is back so really need to do something quick.

Got another weekend off - very unusual- need to do uni work; more tidying of craft room; decluttering stuff for headway shop; and I need to rest a bit; the last two weeks have been more hectic than I like. Really missed Gwawr in the office for the company as well as the help. Hope she is back next week fit and well....................

Struggle

The last few mornings have been a struggle. I really can't get going. Maybe November is slightly too busy for my brain? Maybe I am a bit more skint than I would like to be? Maybe Julie is away and I miss her? Maybe Phil's moods are rubbing off? Maybe work is just a sea of never decreasing papers? And maybe I am just really really tired? S A D? I do think it exists; I have recollections of feeling like this before. I am having to put more effort into everything to get results.

I will be ok on 13th when I go to Frodsham with She; will be kept busy for three days having fun.

Qualified success

Well Headway Ynys Mon is going to be up and running again. One of the interested parties was not at the meeting today so I don't feel totally satisfied but the decision has been made by those in power. A new committee will be sworn in on 7th December; hoping Phil will agree to be Chair again ; I might be either Vice chair or Secretary and we desperately need a treasurer- Carol Ann or Sheila?? Not sure that they will be keen to take that role.
Or it might be completely different on the night but as long as it rises from the ashes we will fit in with all of it. Phil has mixed feelings but I am sure once the meetings start up again he will be back to his old self. I REALLY HOPE SO.
Have to keep myself from getting too enthusiastic too soon. Have given Phil the job of getting it in the papers with his contacts. So watch this space-- yet another chapter.
Have just submitted my ethics application for my dissertation. Have done it once but it went astray so had to do it again- what if it is refused ????
Worst scenario --tweek the subject to what?........................

Typical

My desk is going to be another two weeks. Why didn't they tell me that when I ordered it and I could have shopped around.
Well my butterflies fluttered away about 9am. Not sure what they were about.
Tutorial really good. If only I could match enthusiasm with commitment!! Will have to share my week off between housework and dissertation. I love the doing of it but it's not often enough.
Really lethargic today.
Wondering what will happen re Headway tomorrow. Will we ? won't we? It will be such a shame to let it die out but I know it will be hard work to get it going again. Phil says do I really need it? Maybe maybe not but a lot of other people do!! I have knowledge and understanding which may help them so ..............................

Butterflies??

For some reason I have a butterfly "tummy" this morning; usually means something?? I am going to see my tutor but that doesn't phase me so not sure what it is. Not my usual Monday morning can't wait to start the week girl today??....................

I just knew it was the right time- you know when you just have that feeling??

Clean Up Time
It's clean up time for you this week, trish! Wednesday, the Moon in active Gemini trines industrious Saturn, the ruler of your zone of daily activities, and you will get busy organizing your living space. Be sure you buy extra trash bags, because you are ready to get rid of all the old and worn out items that are cluttering up your residence, and that you no longer need or want. You may decide to pay a visit to your relatives on Saturday, as lovely Venus enters Scorpio and your zone of home and family. You enjoy maintaining close ties with your loved ones, but you have been so busy lately that you simply haven't had the time to get in touch with your nearest and dearest. Now you will make sure your family knows what you look like by showing up on their doorstep! Try not to overwhelm a friend with your daring plans on Sunday, as the Moon conjuncts dynamic Mars in Leo in your sector of self. Yes, you are ready to push the envelope in your life, but your companion is a bit more timid than you are and will hesitate to join you in your adventures, so keep that in mind!

Rainy Lazy Sunday afternoon

Sitting here "playing" with my laptop. Phil just got up; he's not well- full of cold blaming me.
Had intended to sort my craft room but didn't want to make a noise upstairs so got looking around my laptop and using a little "tips and tricks book" to tweek a few things. For someone who is pretty useless on computers I LOVE computer magazines. It is all wishful thinking but when I eventually retire I am going to dedicate my life to crafting and learning my way around technology of every sort!!!!
I have all the gear just no clue how to get the best out of it.
Had a lovely evening at Julie's celebrating Gary's birthday and Halloween with the kids. Good laugh; I love it when ALL my kids and their kids are surrounding me. Everyone was there. Kelly was trampolining in the dark - brave girl.
Julie is going on holiday tomorrow so will have to be brave and try and live without her. We have quite a few things organised for later on this year and next year so I am sure we will make up for it. Blood brothers in London will be wonderful now that Mel C is in it- just hope she doesn't have the night off when we go!!!!!
So today is November 1st and the month is going to be full to bursting. Good bad and indifferent so watch this space and see how it works out.................

Oh NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phil has got my germs! He is sooooooooooo much worse than I was. And it's party night tonight- will he be allowed to go? Ju and clan going away Monday so she won't want his germs will she. He may have to stay home with Missy and Merlot!!!! I have got a whole weekend off. Started it with quick trip to Holland Arms to buy a 12 x 12 box - got a storage idea and need to see if it will work. Really disappointed no desk yet from Focus- they have got my money so where is my desk?? Just going to have coffee then go up and take pictures of the "before" craft room and start to make it into the "after"!!!
Really got lots of other things I could be doing but heh how often do I have a weekend off??
Might just go and watch Stamping with Clarity with my coffee........................

Give up!!!

Normally works but please go to 60 by 60 to view x..........

and again

http://mepschronicles.blogspot.com/2009/10/make-your-life-worthwhile.html

Sorry ignore that it didn't work

Why didn't that work??............

Pass it on

Let us all benefit from the wisdom

http://mepschronicles.blogspot.com/2009/10/make-your-life-worthwhile.html

....................

Good sign

We are going to watch a dvd tonight; this is the first time in at least 12months and when you think Phil used to watch 4-5 per week!!! So I am noticing changes ( daren't say improvements just yet because I don't want to tempt fate) and I am liking what I see. The atmosphere is less stressful; even smiles and laughs seem easier and more frequent. So now we will watch Angels and Demons.......................

Slow motion

Can't get going- been up since 6 and haven't woken up yet. I know I have to because I have so much to do today. Everyones's request is urgent type of day. Keep looking round the office wondering if I will ever be able to empty and sort all the boxes. Hopes of a bigger office were dashed yesterday so we have to stay crammed in where we are. Not so bad when I am on my own but not comfortable for Gwawr I am sure when she has to fit in with me. Especially when I spread papers everywhere for a mailshot!!!

What is the best pick me up?? Red Bull?? have heard strange things about that. Lucozade? not quick enough reaction. Sanatogen - thats only good for over 40's need one for over 60's!! Think I will just stick to my coffees - stronger than normal and two sweetex for a change .

Already starting to plan November in my head- going to be crazy!! That will be a challenge and a half to fit everything in and still keep on track with work. I can feel some delegation coming on!!!

I am going to be away for three days but am taking 10 days off so will have a whole week with Phil to sort the house. Might fit in a lunch or two locally just for a change of scenery for him; that is as long as he gets up early or it will be lunch time when he has breakfast; fingers crossed.

Still waiting for appointment for MRI; maybe should chase it?? ...................

Windows 7

I have ordered this today- supposed to be easy so watch this space. Really non productive day today - three steps forward and four back.
Tomorrow will now be catch up first.

Phil laughing tonight ; that was lovely; I was telling Julie how he tried to text me when I was in Sicily. He keyed a letter and pressed send and again and again. It cost a fortune and took him 20 texts to tell me he loved me. He gave up after that and hasn't sent a text since!

Football and Merlot tonight so I am just going to clean my laptop up a bit. Still can't get emails but can send them; what does that mean; have tried everything. They come through on the blackberry but get stuck on the journey to my laptop?????
Think that is what I will be in my next life- a computer geek.........

Feeling much better

Don't speak too soon but I am feeling much better. Apart from flaky under nose region (yuk) I am clear of all signs of disease!!!
Just as well as I have a social group meeting today with some elderly (older than me) folk!!
It is a lovely bright morning and I am ready for work!!
Saddo or what.
Not keen on the dark nights though- I HATE night driving. Since I had the laser thingy it seems to be darker. Really hoping I can get laser correction next year-so fed up with glasses. First task of 2010 is to visit Optimax either Liverpool or Manchester for consultation.
Then my colours with "She" and then who knows what. Already forward thinking ; that's a really good sign isn't it? Phil has been quite sweet the last few days so maybe I have a little "puppy dog syndrome" just now but I will enjoy it while it lasts.
Doing my finances tonight so might come down to earth. Got a few indulgences this month (November) that need feeding so have to jiggle things about to make that happen.
So glad I am having a week off later in the month too to sort the house out. Really looking forward to that- massive decluttering; who wants what??
Have to clear some more crafty things ready for retreat when I may just purchase a few items that are essential to my existence!! OK we have already agreed I need therapy but can I start with retail therapy first then work my way towards the rest??
It's the one that I like best and I am worth it ?????...........................

Over my shoulder

Phil has decided to take an interest in my blog and Facebook and has started asking questions about it. That is both good and bad; good that he is showing any interest in anything but bad that he wants to share in something which until now I had considered "my space". We have always been honest with each other since the accident so I am not worried about him wanting to read it ( he hasn't actually asked to yet) but I just wanted it to be my personal journey; alone. Will see how it goes; the novelty may not last long. I think tonight the Piat D'or Merlot may be at play!!

Had a struggle at work today too much work and not enough energy. Will try and catch up tomorrow if I feel a bit better. As long as I don't start coughing; I spend a lot of my time on the phone and there is nothing worse than sitting trying not to cough and your eyes streaming!!
Watching Life on BBC - it is amazing....................

Rough rough rough

That is what I am feeling this morning. Tossed and turned all night; at the bunged up stage and dreading the coughing stage. Just got a really horrible headache at the moment.
Got a lot to do in work so I am sure it will take my mind off it. Am on my own today too so I can moan and groan as much as I like. I normally talk to myself in the office anyway even when Gwawr is there ; she has got used to it bless her - hope she enjoys New York this week; lucky duck!!

Think I might get some linctus on the way to work and see if I can speed up the process today by sweating it out. Might just see how I feel with the phone; not feeling terribly empathic just now; might be better to let the answerphone do the talking today and phone everyone back later when I can talk and concentrate better....................

Oh doh I got a runny dose!!

This is horrible and Julie has just refused to stay for a chat because she is going on holiday and can't afford to get my cold!!! Watching football again and wishing the maid would make tea for a change; not likely to happen though. Nice relaxed crop as always today . Some of the subjects we cover are amazing but educational??? Discussed my need for therapy regarding spending; discussed dog sledging; family dynamics; car mechanics; do it yourself; stroked papers etc. In other words a normal sort of crop for us. Great way to end the weekend. Thanks ladies.....................

It got me!!!!

Well I thought I was going to escape without getting a cold but it got me!!
Feeling all the usual symptoms- achy, stuffy, my voice is like Paul Robeson's (for younger folk that means very deep) and my chest is tight!! But I don't feel ill- it is all just so inconvenient. Got a crop today so can relax but need to sit a couple of tables away from everyone so I don't spread my germs. Looking back I think this started last weekend so I don't think I am contageous now. Felt the benefit of the extra hour - got up at what would have been 8am which is a miracle for me although I had been fighting for a few hours not to get up.
Learned another lesson yesterday; had a little grouch about a friend who has been negative towards me just lately. We met for lunch and it was hard work then she phoned me later in the day and asked to take me out in a couple of weeks because she is worried about me. Seems her negativity is because she doesn't know what to say to me without it sounding as if she is criticising . Ok I will accept that and think twice before judging. Maybe the negativity has been both ways so will start again and look forward to Rhiwafallen.........................

Another early start

Up since 3am. Watching craft again and surfing a little. Wish I could say I am not sleeping because of guilty conscience- at least that would be exciting. But I wake at various times and then start to go over this week last week next week until my brain says get up!! Once I am up I need coffee and usually cereal (even at 3am) -(comfort food). Then tv goes on to my recorded craft and I can clear my mind of everything else. Been up two and half hours now and sore throat has eased; head feels less stuffed but I know by 7pm I will be sooooooooo tired. And something happens to the clocks tonight and I still can't remember after all these years will I be better off or worse off?? Mental block!!! Just had second coffee and wondering whether to just lie down on the couch and try and close my eyes but already my mind is wandering so I think I will just stay awake and carry on with the day. Have decided that my cold is due to having the central heating on because I am not used to it so have probably got too warm. Have to say the cavity wall insulation is amazing. It was still warm in here when I came down at 3am and the heating went off at 10pm. So a real money saver and we got it done for free. Can't be bad!!
Just for the record are some of the QVC presenters really annoying or is it me? I can't have the sound on as it drives me mad; don't know how the guests put up with being talked over and having their products fiddled with. That is my early morning grouch.
Think I will have a shower and then maybe creep into my craft room to try and sort my bags for tomorrow. Hair appointment 7.45am today but probably a 2hr job so I can relax then too. Just wish I could follow on with a facelift to complete the job!!................................

Disappointed

Well I let myself down at the therapy group today. Was given the opportunity to talk and they couldn't shut me up. Didn't know how much I had buried this last month. Anyway feeling rather emotional now but that is usual. Phil always asks how it went and I always give him a watered down version but today I actually told him how much I am struggling. His response which I expected was "why".

Also disappointed when I went to Focus to get my desk. I went in and asked for an executive desk please and is ther anyone I can get to put it in my boot. Sorry love we haven't got one in stock do you want to order it!!! Oh there go my plans to get my craft room sorted at last. I did get a pensioners discount card though so I expected to pay £50; it was on special offer @ £45 and with my 10% off I got it for £40.20. Just hoping it is not too long coming!!
Started with a sore throat around mid day. Very unusual for me to have a cold but I think that is going to happen. Really tickly throat and sweats. Haven't really got time so hope it disappears overnight.
Hair appointment at 7.45 am!!! colours including my pink and still undecided whether to have a cut. Dangerous time for me as I feel so unattractive anyway so striving for better look!!!
Then out for lunch to Jade Village with Angie.
Sunday I get to crop with friends and hope to finish my scrapbook project. It just needs the final touches but haven't decided what they should be yet.
Just going to take a short trip to my island now so it gives Sam chance to get it together for Sunday.
No what do I need? More paper? Surely not!!!........................

Halifax bank disgusts me

I used to work for them but the latest charges from Halifax are immoral. Think I might as well ask them for the maximum overdraft cause it won't cost me any more than a small one. Standard Life have ruined my retirement now Halifax threaten to spoil my finances day to day. If I could afford to pay my overdraft off I would move tomorrow. Think I will write a book called "A challenge a day" as that is what I am dealing with right now...................................

The long and winding road........

.......to Colwyn Bay. I am there today for a Cruse meeting and tomorrow for my therapy group. Penny Puma should know her own way there.
Today will be interesting; always lots to discuss about Cruse North Wales; tomorrow will be "interesting" too. Think I might be too tired to talk but who knows. Can never tell until we get there. Going to ask Frances to do some relaxation techniques before we start which usually helps. I have decided not to stay for the second "newer" group; I don't feel that it is beneficial to them or me. We are at different stages but I sometimes catch a glimpse of similarity and think that in some ways I haven't moved on in 7 years. I would hate them to identify that too and wonder if they will be stuck in 7 years. So I will leave after our group and do some shopping on the way home to wind down . Might even go to Focus to get the new desk for my craft room. Now that thought has lifted my mood so that's a good call. Might even be able to get pensioners discount card omg!! Then I just need to persuade someone to put it together and move my room around. Now that will have to take some thought; watch this space.................

Bezzy mate gave me an award

Oh how lovely I have an award- think it is the first, Don't know exactly how to grab it and show it but am sure She will tell me. I want to cry but I won't. Got that burning feeling in my throat though!!
She is wonderful and knows how to lift me and she has!!!!

Tracy too is a star and is watching over me. Thank you both so so much xxx..........................

God Bless Football - sometimes!

Football on tonight so my laptop is invisible to Phil . I actually bought him a bottle of wine from Tescos on the way home. He commented "you spoil me" I responded with "actually its the price I have to pay to see you smile". I walked away as I said this so can't say what the response was. I also said "I can't make you smile but wine can". That was probably a step too far no matter how true.
So here we are , him watching Liverpool and me blogging. I had a coffee he has his Merlot.
Looks really cosy...........................

Price to pay for the heating

A quick P.S. - going to turn the heating off again I think. It has been on a couple of days and Phil follows me round closing doors after me " to keep the heat in". Now that is stressing me out cause he turns all the lights out and shut all the doors at bed time before I had even finished doing what I need to. Oh maybe it is me??.........................

Another Tuesday

I am not blogging as often due to sensitivity to Phil's needs. In other words he is stressing me out just now so I am not relaxed enough to blog. Takes me all my time to browse Facebook. Not sure if it is him or me but there is certainly an increased tension just now. I am tired but thats normal ; he is miserable but that's normal so what can it be? I am relaxed enough everywhere else so don't think it's me? Can't put my finger on it . Once again I am seeing him relax on wine nights and not on non-wine nights. So what is the solution? Buy 7 bottles of wine a week and just watch him slowly kill himself?? Dilemma! If he is not happy without it is it right for me to complain because of my views? The medics know the situation and haven't actually said do not drink. They just say within moderation; whose judgement is that then? Am already concerned about Christmas and have said if we have a repeat of last year then that is the last straw - but am I all talk? Could I really go? I don't think so and maybe that is the problem...........................

A good day

Today was a good day. No pressure from anyone- no expectations- lots of laughs- lots of support. What more can a girl ask for. Well a lottery win might be nice!!
I really wish I could carry the free mind over to home. As soon as I get in the house I tense up and feel under pressure. My problem- as Phil doesn't really do anything specific to cause this . Need to deep breathe. Think it might be the house itself that is causing it. Declutter will help; Feng Shui might be useful; or blinkers would be a quick fix!!!
Wonder how much industrial cleaners would charge to come in and sort it??

One bright light- we have the heating on at Phil's suggestion; first time this year- daren't tell him that I feel a bit too warm!!!

Another busy week ahead working towards therapy day on Friday. Need to pace myself and just enjoy the ride........................

I hate computers

Oh I am so frustrated. Put my laptop in for sorting last weekend because I was away so wouldn't need it and got it back Tuesday after the viruses were cleaned up. Now I am still struggling to get my mail through and just don't have time to go in and sort it. So I am going on mail2web every day. Emails do come through on the blackberry but larger view is needed for some. I did ask Jim to sort emails as it has happened before but obviously it didn't happen!!
Went to do an Excel course on Thursday which was brilliant and I learned a lot of extra stuff - so now I need to do more and more courses so that the stupid thing no longer intimidates me!! Have enough other things that do that without my laptop joining in!!
Actually need a little man (or woman) in the cupboard who I can get out every time I have an IT question. In fact they would not spend much time in the cupboard so I could sort them out with their own room!!!! And feed them!!!
Oh well off to Colwyn Bay now to do some training. Aren't the trees just a fabulous colour right now?? We have a Russian Ivy outside which is beautiful. Sorry my mind is drifting now and again. Where was I - Oh yes off to Colwyn Bay...............................

So stressful

Some weeks just don't start out right!! After a lovely weekend away with Elaine Monday came too soon. I never dread going back into work though because I love my job thank goodness. It is the rest of life which causes me grief (pardon the pun with me working for Cruse).

Monday I expected to collect my baby Vaio and she was riddled with viruses!! How come?? So Tuesday I got her back allegedly 100% cured but then struggled to restore all my settings. Thought I had lost my blog; pop ups kept asking me if I wanted to update this and that. Tried not to swear but failed. Tried to pay a bill online and failed. Made the payment over the phone successfully. Again how come??

Then.................. 7pm last night got a call from Natwest Fraud Squad!!!!!!!!!! What had I done?? Automated service asked me to verify all my details securely. Problem was it would not believe my year of date and kept asking me to verify. I gave up!! 7am this morning got a text to say a fraudulent transaction had taken place on my account and to ring .........yes the same number as last night to the automated service. Once again did not want my year of birth to be 1948!!! Eventually found a number to ring around 7.30am to be told that they had frozen my account pending investigation ( I was planning to fill the car up before work as I have a few trips this week).

After quite thorough interrogation I was able to convince them that I am me and that I do know what year I was born. Pity they have it recorded wrong.
Good start to the day; filled the car up whilst on my knees praying that the card would be accepted. It was. I still have to go through questioning when I go to my local branch to query why they have suddenly changed my date of birth.. It will have to wait until Friday.

Phil has an appointment with Rudi from the brain unit tomorrow; might get further news of the planned MRI scan. I can't go with him this time as I am going on a course to perfect my EXCEL skills. In theory!!!
Going to see Jane from Uni afterwards - we haven't met for months.

Sleeping a bit better this week; think because it is so dark in the mornings; managing until about 6.30 most days. I don't like this time of year. I feel scruffy; my skin looks grey; I feel fat (I have put some weight back on) and I hate wearing coats and boots. Hope the winter is mild and short this year.

Cruse course on Saturday and then Sams crop Sunday. Really looking forward to that to relax. Got a project to finish for Tracey and Dave then Jo has asked me to do another book for Poppy similar to the one I did for her Dad. I am pleased she liked it - gives me such a buzz.

Hoping "She" is going to be there Sunday; need to give her a big hug of encouragement. She is having a tiny blip but I know it won't last; she has so many supporters to lift her.

Football on right now so taking advantage to blog to excess as I have been away for a while due to a technical fault!!!!

Well I hope the rest of the week is less stressful although this time tomorrow I may be EXCELLED out!!! Forgive me if I speak in code .......................................................................

I need it too

Last posting looked as if Elaine needs this trip but I need it just as much. Not sure about Snowdon; Phil really not happy about me doing it; says people get hurt all the time. Waiting for a message from Elaine to she if she is ok NOT doing it. It will still be on my list but for another date.
Had a really good day with Rhiannon my training officer today. She is a likeminded Cruse person. I think we speak the same language .

Bright light last night- Phil has said that when he gets better he is going to "do up" his sports car which is rotting in the garage. That is the first "future" statement for several years. Try not to get too excited but also don't be dismissive of his plan.

Have told him I am going to buy him a leaf hoover for the garden. He has told me to save my money!! Let the wind clear them!!

Freezer man just fixing fridge freezer for about the tenth time. Really did get a Friday machine but I do love it. Phil hates it because he is the one who has to arrange the man to do the repairs every time. Hopefully this will be the last as every single part has been replaced today!!
Here's hoping...................................................

Short and sweet?

Just a quick entry tonight. Been awake since 3am! Wish I could close the door on the filing cabinet in my brain. As soon as I wake up it is overflowing and I have to start sorting into priorities and that keeps changing!! Wondering whether I should have planned to climb Snowdon on Saturday or whether I should just act my age and have a relaxing weekend for a change. I am not saying that I am praying for rain but I did say weather permitting so ??? I expect I would regret it if I backed out and usually once I say out loud that I plan to do something I normally do it. Sad or what? Go with the flow. I just know that I am looking forward to spending this time with Elaine. We are so close but have just not been able to get together often enough for the last 18months. We went to Sardinia last year (or was it the year before?) and spent 90% of the trip just talking. It was heaven. I was in a dark place and she took me away from the stress for just a few days and it saved me. Now I am taking her away when she needs it. Thats what friends are for and she truly is a diamond.
I was told today to use my Reiki training so am going to give it a go now and maybe sleep tonight...........................

Back at last

Wow I am glad to be back. How can one company cause so much confusion? Anyway I have my broadband back- hopefully my bank account is now correct too but watch this space.

Quite a lot happened since my last blog. Work is mad but thats normal. My energy levels are a bit low but that happens. Had the appointment with brain unit last Wednesday and Phil's cognitive tests have worsened- I could have told them that- in fact I have been telling them for two years. At last they have scheduled a further MRI scan. Just to check the biological state. Then we can move on to medication etc

So after months of fighting for him we are getting somewhere. But I am actually exhausted by it all. And scared of the results if I am honest. Dementia was ruled out in February. That was a relief but what else might it be?

The last two weeks I have been doing so much on my own I think it will be difficult to include him again. Everything I consider doing I imagine that I need to do it alone. Is that because I want to do it alone or is it because I will probably have to so need to get used to it?? And it is easier to plan without complication.

I am away this weekend with Elaine in Betwys y Coed. Phil is not happy but I need this time. Guilt rising again! ...........................

Spell check again

Well -spell check was not in action for the last post ( my brain either) please edit as you go along ha ha ................

Head down and running...........

Well here we are Monday am again; coms round quick. Had a good weekend with friends and got my scrap fix for a while. This week is intense at work; our first ever conference; Phil's appointment with Big Man at brain unit; board meeting; training; then next week another conference; agm; training meeting then .............I am going away for the weekend with Elaine. Oh I am so looking forward to that; it seems so long since we had some quality time and so much has happened. I have said that I would like to climb Snowdon if the weather permits. It is not on my list of things to do but if the opportunity is there then I should go for it. Elaine has done it before so she will help me. And we can talk and talk and talk. It's what we do best. So head down now and get on with it for the next two weeks ; there are bound to be more requests at the office so quick shuffle of priorities and off we go. I do love it so much thank goodness; can't imagine hating going to work every day; only ever happened once to me and that was more about the people/person I was working with than the job.

Phil is already getting anxious about the meeting with Bob on Wednesday. Think we are really going to try and find out how to get his motivation back. Would love to see him happy too ; makes it so much easier to come home to. Heres hoping .........................

Not too bad

Well the car is back home; poor Penny Puma had to have new brakes (quite important) and wheel bearings - £160 and now I know why I wanted my grandson to be a motor mechanic. But of course that didn't happen!! Labour charges make up the bulk of this. So she has had more spent on her this month than on me what with her tyres. That can't be right can it??

So I am independent again; it feels great; hated having to rely on Phil to get up and take me in and pick me up. I use my journey to and from work to chill out ready for whatever is coming next!!

When I knew how much the car was going to cost I decided to make a purchase on QVC- oh how naughty. Something that "She" told me I didn't need!! But I wanted it so I am afraid that over-rules everything and everybody!! Anyway it is pretty; useful and looks like a handbag. Wonder who will guess???
And its payday on Monday so my little treat from my hard work.. Oh excuses excuses.............................

What adifference a day makes!

Well what happened overnight? Phil is chatty today and quite upbeat. Yes you got it- it's bottle of wine day. Smiley face once again; him not me! The car will be ready tomorrow so Phil will have to take me into work and pick me up again. Have really hated not being independent. Had planned to go to Holland Arms tomorrow but will have to wait and see what mood the chauffeur is in first when he collects me.
Not able to change the appointment at Brain Unit next week so I will have to sneek out of Conference for an hour to be with him. Not without stress but has to be done. Going to have to take up meditation again I think-- or medication not sure which would be the quickest fix?? Just hope I sleep better tonight - its beginning to show...........................

"Good" morning

God- up at 4 again today; thats three days this week 3am 4am and 4am!! Glad I record so much on Sky plus!!
Was very affected by programme last night "Wounded" . Can't even put it into words how it made me feel but I want to try and not just forget it. It is so easy just to watch something which makes you think and then just put it to one side. Those lads were amazing and made me laugh as well as cry; and there was a little bit of anger. Their families deserve a medal too. I hope they all continue to improve and inspire others...................

Very quiet

Julie took me to work and picked me up. So stress free!! She can take me in at 7.30am tomorrow so worth getting ready for. Phil is very quiet; one of those quiets that is unnerving. Wonder what I have done but think he is just worried about more than one thing which he doesn't do too well now. He took the car in today and hopefully I can collect it tomorrow after work. Hopefully won't be too expensive. He is also worried about impending appointment with Bob Rafael Neurosurgeon at Brain unit. He might be challenged to start interacting and doesn't do confrontation either so obviously not looking forward to that. I need to be with him for his appointments as he doesn't take information in very well now. Quite stressful. Work quite intense at the moment but take that in my stride and something nice I was told today that I am irreplaceable. I am going to take that on board and enjoy the thought. Have to admit I do work hard. Love it so that part of my life is easy.
Got butterflies right now because the silence is uncomfortable.......................

That was stressful

Got Phil up early so he could take me to work- stressful journey. Got a phonecall from him later- car not booked in til Thursday - oh god two more mornings!! The pick up is ok around 4pm but I have to be outside waiting for him so he doesn't have to come into the building and see anyone.
Julie just called and thank my stars she can drop me at work tomorrow and Thursday so no mornings to worry about!!
Not sleeping too well - up at 4am and 3am last two nights. Don't think I am any more stressed than usual but once I wake up I just can't stop my brain from chugging so it is easier to get up and have breakfast and watch telly. It will catch up on me I know and I probably will get tetchy towards the end of the week but what can I do?
Football on tonight so am going to sit and zombify for a couple of hours. Plenty I could be doing but best to rest.......................

Big Blip

Well just when I thought it was going so well- yesterday my car starting making a strange noise. Arrived home after a very busy day and asked Phil to listen to the noise. Of course as always happens he couldn't hear it; I got impatient. We went for a little drive and then he heard it and we think it is brakes grinding!! Had the MOT three weeks ago and wonder why it wasn't picked up but heh to late to complain??
Not too serious in itself but the implications are loads of stress. Firstly Phil needs to take me to work and pick me up as I don't drive his Rav (would be easier if I did so that's my fault).That means him getting up early as in 8am instead of 11am. Secondly he needs to arrange to take it to the garage to get it fixed; only a phone call but that coordination of timings etc takes so much out of him now. Finally wondering how much it will cost; we thought we had a good month without any extras and now we don't. I have to work that one out but Phil does the worrying and fretting; which stresses me. Got several things I need the car for this week so need to rearrange them too in case it doesn't come back quickly.
Got such a busy time in work too so really bad timing; but in the scheme of things minimal compared to some people's worries. Phil used to deal with all this side of things; he had his roles as I had mine. Now they are a bit lobsided and I have to direct him so much more without letting him know I am doing that. Again this is where I need the kids to kick in and help but they are so busy themselves; or I just don't like to ask!!!
Heh ho another day in the life of the Phillipses................................

Good day

Good day; relaxing with friends pretending to scrapbook! Just so needed after the last couple of weeks. Wonder do they realise how much they help me?? Hope so. Busy day again tomorrow and for the next few weeks so head down and get on with it...................

Good support

The support group was good and because of my surprise this morning I arrived there very upbeat and it went well- no tears- no distress; just talking and sharing. My glass is half full today.....................

Never ceases to amaze me!!

Well I have had a surprise today which warms my heart and gets my puppy dog tail wagging.
Today it is 42years since Phil and I met- on a blind date. I often joke that I should have gone with my eyes open!!
I apologised to him last night that I hadn't bought him a card- I usually do, but I have been so busy lately. We tend to celebrate this day as much as our wedding day. He acted as if he didn't know the date, and maybe he didn't- but this morning I came down to a beautiful anniversary card. Now did he sneak out to the shops last night- (I didn't miss him for any part of the evening and it would have taken at least ten minutes there and back) or did he actually remember? I am going to choose to think the second option is the right one and that he is thinking about us more than I give him credit for . Naive? Yes but it will brighten my day..................BTW I just made him a card which says True love never grows old.......it just matures along the way.............and yes I know this will mean another bottle of wine tonight to celebrate....................but just for a while I am a happy bunny whose husband loves her........................

Talking therapy

Tomorrow is support group for families of brain injury survivors again. I know this has to do me good so why do I worry about it so much. Why do I always think I am going to be in bits. Because very often I am. Facing the reality is hard and talking about your survivor seems so disloyal. That is however the purpose of the group; to offload the stresses and strains of actually living with a survivor of a brain injury. I can't explain what it is like; you realise how sad it is; you remember how good it was; you yearn for it to be "normal" knowing that it never will be again. Seven years ago life was ok; not great but ok. It can never be ok again. Phil is different oh so different; I think I am different now too. I have adapted my life and have some good times but I would give it all up to go back to July 2002 and not go to the party.
The nurses in intensive care warned me that life would be different; I had no idea what they meant. Going to this support group lets me know that others feel this way; others are living this life; some unable to have any good times at all. I have great friends; wonderful kids and supportive colleagues. I just don't have Phil anymore. He looks like Phil but he is not; occasionally he sounds like Phil but he is not. I lost my husband lover and friend in one night.
So I will go to the group tomorrow; be disloyal by complaining about my life; support the others who need to talk too as they support me and then come home and say it was all ok and carry on until this time next month when I have to think and talk about it again..................................

Nothing is enough

Last night I had nothing to say. I sat with the computer in front of me and my mind was empty. I had nothing to say. Today I am so very emotional. Patrick Swayze was important to me in ways no-one could ever understand. He took me out of my world and gave me a dream however impossible. He was a lovely guy and my dream dinner date. I knew this was coming but still not ready for the news. I will miss him so much. I am incredibly sad...............................................

Hiatus Hernia

Bloody thing is supposed to have calmed down since I had antibiotics. Had pastry last night and I am crippled. In fact I feel really rubbish. Needed to hoover the hairballs in the conservatory and lounge and got half way through and the hoover fell to pieces! Had to continue with fluff buster and then came over all hot and sweaty. Had to ask Phil to put everything back in its place and all I got was groans.He did it but it was such hard work. I have come on here to calm down!!
I can't keep on top of it without help and I can't rely on him to do it. So folks I won't be inviting anyone back to the "house of the hairballs" for a while. Am taking week off in November- it will have to wait until then. Aggie would have a field day here!!
Half way through sorting (again) my craft room- no I can't call it a studio- I am not an artist- (live with one- ha ha) but it is a craft room plain and simple.
Going to do his tea and then I might lie down before I throw up!!!
Hope Sue hasn't given me the remnants of her swine flu!!
Simply don't have time to be sick and that is all there is to it.................

Such a laugh!!

Well went out last might with Elaine and Tracey. Ended up having a meal at the 8th choice!! The world had gone mad and everyone was eating out on Anglesey. First the Boathouse in Red Wharf Bay was fully booked so we popped along to the Ship next door. Although we could see each other we were obviously invisible to the staff there and after about 10 minutes we left unattended!!!. Phoned Lobster Pot- fully booked; travelled to Beamaris and : Courthouse- private party; Bull full; Bishopsgate full; Liverpool Arms full. Ended up at the Buckley and had a fabulous meal ; wonderful company and conversation, although I was up all night with heartburn. I was probably so hungry by the time we ate that I ate it too quickly. Anyway rain or shine next time we will book ahead.
Got home late so had a lie in til 7.30am !!

Sorting out my "studio"- can I call it that if it is just in the spare bedroom? Everyone is having a studio so I have to have one too! Was going to rearrange it all and made a plan yesterday but after seeing Phil's face when he realised there would be furniture moving necessary I have been up there this morning making do with the way it is. It's not so bad really just wanted to be able to sit at a table and scrapbook but I have a stool and a high table so I can manage. Better than hassle. Need to pop to the village for supplies then hoover the hairballs when I get back and maybe iron a couple of things- or maybe just move the pile again!!......................................

Raise the mood

Tired this morning- too much thinking. Am meeting a friend for late lunch today then out with friends tomorrow night so I will revert to "fun Trish" or I am in danger of losing my friends. I already feel bad because I don't meet up with them more often. Life is so busy and I am so tired. Too many things to do. I think I am just as organised as ever but there is just more to do. Or maybe greater expectations of me by myself and others. Wish I had gone to Salsa classes last night then I wouldn't have made the last entry on my blog. A true entry but hard to face. Feel that I am having to live both our lives but trying to motivate his Lordship is becoming impossible. The postman can hardly get up the path because the garden is overgrown. Think I need to ask for help- kids where are you??
Well off to work- (my daily salvation!) and although I sometimes struggle with negative feedback I love my job-at the end of the day I hope I am making a difference to some people's lives just by being there. Think I need to do positives and negatives list. Am sure the positives list would be much longer. Maybe later........................

Realisation

I have to be honest instead of being so bloody naive!! The smiles were not for me; they were for the top of the list- red wine. That can bring a smile where I can't. He is my husband but I am his carer. How sad to realise this. Been thinking about it all day and wondering why I have to settle for this- and the answer is - because I love him and the memory of him and the memory of us. Funny that the cause of the brain injury is still between us - like the other woman but in a bottle. So I suppose I just get on with it- any other choice?- don't think so- until the next life changing stage of my life here I stay.............................

short and sweet

Off to work so will fill in this evening- really enjoyed lighthouse but gave me some more food for thought about the future- realisation that the wife role has diminished and the carer role is sliding (or rocketing) up the scale. Sad statement....................................................

Puppy Dog Syndrome

Well just looking at my profile I noticed that I wrote that things are not going to get better. These last few days I feel as if they have just a little. But I have always (all my life) suffered from puppy dog syndrome. When things are good my little tail starts wagging and I see a wonderful future. I am easily pleased but easily upset; everyone who knows me will agree. So I wag my tail when I can , creep into a corner when I can't and as usual call on my quiet acceptance to fill the gaps.................................

Long Day

Good day but long day; fundraising at Erddig; crafting with She and occasionally grabbing the chance to natter; the weather held for us; lots of hard work and the drumming band were fantastic. 198 miles return journey and traffic hold up on the way home so I am tired now- full days tomorrow and Monday too at the lighthouse- I certainly have a varied life!
Just watching all the old beatles tapes- my time.......................

Birthday boy

Phil had a good birthday yesterday. All the kids came to see him;grand kids; great grandkids and friends.I was really pleased for him. It is so great that they all live so close. I got home 6pm after my meeting and we had a nice evening. The present of a night in a lighthouse went down very well and I shouldn't have worried. So that is Sunday to Monday. Tomorrow fundraising in Wrexham for Cruse- no idea what to expect but will enjoy it with She anyway.
Actually looking forward to spending a couple of days with Phil away from home. It has been two years since we last did it celebrating 40 yrs since we met with a trip back to Liverpool. (That wasn't a successful trip).
I hope that the lighthouse is as good as we expect. I am going to sit looking out of the window all night at the 220 degree panoramic view.
Will take a walk up the Orme on Monday morning before we come home- weather permitting. Feeling all sentimental at the moment so have to make the best of it. Brain injury is a funny thing - it can change the mood in a minute. Think positive ... again..................

Night off

Gosh I am restless tonight- can't seem to wind down - lots of things happening this week with work and hoping it all goes well. Need good weather for a big fundraising event on Saturday at Erddig Wrexham, lots of people put a lot of work into this and deserve a successful day. Then of course Phil's 60th on Thursday; I won't be with him during the day- got a meeting in Colwyn Bay all day but sure he will have a bottle of pop during the evening and I will have my coke. Taking him away Sunday; hope that goes well too; difficult to know if he will enjoy it. I am a typical woman and get excited at surprising someone and then dread a disappointing reaction. It is quite an unusual location so hoping it goes well; watch this space...................

goodnight for now

about 2000 words today about therapies and alcohol dependency- I really know how to enjoy myself don't I?. Weather is awful so don't feel too deprived but must go and get something from the village - non veggie- can't fool Phil anymore by putting onion gravy on it!!!!

No more studying until about 12th sept now- unless there is a lot of football on TV and I can sneek through here and do bits after tea. He won't even notice I am not there!!! goodnight for now.......................

Goodnight Mum on what would have been your 87th birthday - love and miss you always-
please blow in my ear tonight to let me know you have got this message. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Back for more

Well here I go for Mondays session; hopefully higher word count than yesterday; disappointing when you have had your head in books all day then don't seem to have achieved much. Guess if I was going to make money from this I might have worked harder but because it is just for me well..................not so high on the list ??
Am enjoying doing it but would have also loved to have done some scrapbooking/crafting which is fast becoming my first love?? It is definitely the thing that relaxes me most and brings me into contact with special people. Well this isn't getting the book finished is it? so here goes for another day..................

now resting

Well I need to switch off . I have managed to do another 1100 words this afternoon so in all a total of 7,700 and I am sure that will be considerably reduced following the editing. Need three times that much and more.
It is now pouring and I think my husband is waking from another snooze. Could it be tea time??
Haven't moved out of the house today so we will probably run out of milk by morning....the price of dedication!!!
Another few hours tomorrow and I will at least have made a statement about "doing " my dissertation rather than just fooling myself. Had originally wanted to complete sept 2008- missed that boat so shift it until december 09 and might be nearer the mark. Will be two weeks after tomorrow before I can get any more done so a couple of thousand words tomorrow would be comforting???

Maybe??/.............................................

You hear the sound of your voice explaining what has happened, describing the events in painstaking chronological detail. The person listening wants you to jump to the end. In his tensed body you can hear the questions: so what happened? What is the point? But you need to lay it all out.......................................You need to hear your story out loud so that you can make sense of what has happened and what is going on now. You are like a spider, your words the filaments of sound, lines you are spinning to attach the web of your experience to a corner of the world. In this way you connect the thin gauze of this new incomprehensible event to the solid wall of what your life has been until now. In this way telling your story heals you. (Gill 1997, p24)

This is a quote I found in a book called Chronic Sorrow whilst doing my studying. I was blown away by the intensity ......

oh bugger

yes I should have started at 10am
can't even stick to a timetable!! well if I work twice as hard for the next half hour will that count; got all my books in front of me now which one will I choose.................CHRONIC LOSS looks like favourite as it has the most tabs in it; off I go.............................................................

break before I break

I am having a break now - coming back tomorrow for more
- not sure how many words I have done - probably not enough. Still wondering why I chose Brain Injury as a subject when I could have chosen something more detached??  Do I need to learn more about it well yes I suppose it all helps day to day. have just been downloading pictures of the brain which is scary in itself but seeing the size of the area that has been damaged is even scarier!!! They say that parts can regenerate don't they? how long does it take?  anyone know? how long have we got?? certainly no evidence that is has begun to happen. Phil got phlebitis again and insisting on NOT going to the docs- last time he ended up with a P.E. so watch this space. well time for tea- rissoto sounds good and won't add to the 2lb that I gained in the last couple of weeks-didn't do anything to deserve it honest!!!
back at 10 in the morning- at the latest!! been up since 6am today. guilty conscience?
I wish!!!!!!!!!!!!.............................................................................

Here goes

RIGHT today is the day - dissertation starts here!!
I have done some but so many months ago I have forgotten- but I know what I haven't done so will start with that.
Timetable is:
Saturday
11-2
break
2.30-5.30
Sunday
10-1
break
2-6
Monday
10-1
break
2-6
Thats 20 hours which should get a substantial amount of words completed- well completed to send to tutor anyway- got all my books ready and tabbed so five minutes to go....... and will see ya later ..................................

Busy bee

last few days have flown but now we are at the weekend- am staying put doing all sorts things I need to do some I don't need to do and a little bit of relaxey-vous too!!! maybe a little visit to my island ??
Phil being scarily nice but it is coming up to his birthday- he still doesn't know what his pressy is but will probably put brochure  in with his card on Thursday because someone might just let it slip - have just set up wifi printer first time- I must be getting better and have cleared the dining room table ready for all my text books tomorrow- DISSERTATION or bust!!!!................................................

Penny happy

Well Penny Puma is happy with her four new tyres. Phil stressed about the cost but that will be all I have spent all year on her so I am ok with that and as "She" said I spend more than that on papers etc- can't deny it can I?
maybe just go singing at the weekend instead of all week!!
Looking forward to the long weekend to try and do a hundred things on my list- always have big plans .........................

MOT

quick update on MOT needed 4 new tyres- one was down to the wire- thank goodness I have never been stopped or I would have been in trouble!! £250 due tomorrow so its a heavy month already- will be around Bangor singing so please avoid the area for the next month!!!!
Meeting this morning with my boss which was really good and boosted my confidence  - for today at least- I am indispensible.... not foolish enough to believe it but nice to be told..............................................

TIME GOING TOO FAST

Another Sunday evening! time is just going too quickly- could do with a nine day week really so I can have a 4 day weekend. Or just start working 4 days?? but then trying to fit 5 days work into 4 days when I struggle now- no maybe not a good idea. Brilliant day today crafting and nattering; missed Mol though. Decided to start CJ just for us and thought of a title so need to work out how to present it. Need a challenge- as if I don't get any!!!
Good to let "She" see what I enjoy and hope she will join us every time. Long way but worth it. Pleased with my little book for Babs - hope she will like it. Busy week to look forward to but still loving the buzz; long may it continue. I just have the best job in the world. Back to healthy eating this week too - need to count calories again or I just go off the rails- still got stone and half to go - know I can do it- for me - just for me.........................................

RETAIL THERAPY

A little bit worked- couple of tops -couple of bags - I really needed more!! Tee shirt for Gary slippers for Phil just to show my generous side! MOT Monday and if it is scary I will regret my spending- poor Penny Puma needs TLC but could be costly.
Have at last received some prints of family portrait taken April 08- had almost given up on them- four generations of girls Me Julie Leanne and Chloe; very special-  and one of all the gang together- am I blessed??
Oh yes .....................I am very blessed.

Boring

Reading back I have decided that if I was a follower I would have given up by now- what a boring blog-new start today - life is good despite the bad!!!!! (slightly bipolar statement!!)
So will be celebrating what I have and occasionally discussing the downsides- but thats life. Listed what I want to do @ 61 and need to concentrate on that - so with that in mind I am off out for lunch with Angela but might go out early and see what "Next" have to offer in the way of therapy today??
Tomorrow is sorted with the Sunday Scrappers- one of the best days of the month - the other is Sam's crop- especially if I am productive too.........................

Not so bad

Support group was ok. Good conversation and not too stressful; missed Nan being there though.
Didn't stay til the end this time. went to Llandudno but it was really busy and I wasn't in the mood- sorted my phone and decided to get the same again- love the one I have so why change for new style?

THERAPY

off to the brain unit today- think I must be a masochist ( is spelling right?) - know it helps but soooo painful. Therapy group for family and carers- face your life for a couple of hours instead of pretending it isn't happening. I never wear makeup cos I now I will be in bits. Hoping to try and chase up appointment for Phil too before I lose him altogether . Know I am not the only one living this sort of life but think we should all have the best help possible. Some stories are humbling and I wonder what I have to complain about - then I get home and see the man I adore and see how he has changed and I just really want him back - warts and all- would trade it all for that!!- God it has started already and I am not even there in therapy yet- always a tough day so have arranged to SHOP afterwards- always a good distraction.. any excuse says you????
busy weekend too - meal out tomorrow lunch then crop sunday with my friends- my sanctuary right now......................................

messy day

stressed at the moment - lost some minutes which need to be circulated- typical - have had so many workmen in office last couple of months (should I reword that?) and got a feeling the file might be at the back of my desk- not accessible !
if they don't turn up tomorrow will just have to put my hands up and say there won't be any minutes at the meeting!! not good for my image!! blonde senior moments by the dozen!!
Learn by my mistakes- I hope so!!

Back to work

Busy day catching up- always enjoy being at work although felt tired when I got there- got easier as the day went on- several priorities this week

Sunny funny day

Good day today after a rough start- decided to go to Llangefni for 9am- knew I would be home by Phil got up. Went to Home Bargains searching for goodies but not much there ; then went to Judiths to get a wedding die and blade for Tracy. Judith was really busy so was there much longer than expected- got home just in time for coffee after his breakfast- 11.40!!

Started to sort craft room - have decided to swop one of the breakfast bars for a table and chairs so I can spend more time up there. Next thing "where are we going today then"!!!
So we went to the jam factory which I want to buy- so many outbuildings could do 24hr crops!!!
7 days a week!!!!
then off to Llynnon mill for coffee and scone- very pleasant day- bit more tidying when we got home - nearly time for tea............
so a good day...................................... a really good day...................................

post script

How to cheer myself up? Go shop at my Island!!

A little light

Spent the day at Sam's crop- always guaranteed to chill me out-
finished another mini book and pleased with the results-but the day went too quick and arrived home to "The Quiet Man" again.
Struggling with what to do- selfish and guilty or considerate and resentful. I have a book called the Selfish Pig's guide to Caring- supposed to be a tongue in cheek look at life as a carer but it is so close to the truth.
My stars say that this is the time to make changes but for that you need courage- not something I possess. Just have to hope that fate shows me the way- it usually does.
The rest of the evening looks as if it will be spent in silence now - I complained again - should know better.

Where to begin

I decided to start this blog to help myself. I have so many things in my head, most of them unclear, so if I write them down they may begin to make sense; and if they don't then it was worth a try.