Spell check again

Well -spell check was not in action for the last post ( my brain either) please edit as you go along ha ha ................

Head down and running...........

Well here we are Monday am again; coms round quick. Had a good weekend with friends and got my scrap fix for a while. This week is intense at work; our first ever conference; Phil's appointment with Big Man at brain unit; board meeting; training; then next week another conference; agm; training meeting then .............I am going away for the weekend with Elaine. Oh I am so looking forward to that; it seems so long since we had some quality time and so much has happened. I have said that I would like to climb Snowdon if the weather permits. It is not on my list of things to do but if the opportunity is there then I should go for it. Elaine has done it before so she will help me. And we can talk and talk and talk. It's what we do best. So head down now and get on with it for the next two weeks ; there are bound to be more requests at the office so quick shuffle of priorities and off we go. I do love it so much thank goodness; can't imagine hating going to work every day; only ever happened once to me and that was more about the people/person I was working with than the job.

Phil is already getting anxious about the meeting with Bob on Wednesday. Think we are really going to try and find out how to get his motivation back. Would love to see him happy too ; makes it so much easier to come home to. Heres hoping .........................

Not too bad

Well the car is back home; poor Penny Puma had to have new brakes (quite important) and wheel bearings - £160 and now I know why I wanted my grandson to be a motor mechanic. But of course that didn't happen!! Labour charges make up the bulk of this. So she has had more spent on her this month than on me what with her tyres. That can't be right can it??

So I am independent again; it feels great; hated having to rely on Phil to get up and take me in and pick me up. I use my journey to and from work to chill out ready for whatever is coming next!!

When I knew how much the car was going to cost I decided to make a purchase on QVC- oh how naughty. Something that "She" told me I didn't need!! But I wanted it so I am afraid that over-rules everything and everybody!! Anyway it is pretty; useful and looks like a handbag. Wonder who will guess???
And its payday on Monday so my little treat from my hard work.. Oh excuses excuses.............................

What adifference a day makes!

Well what happened overnight? Phil is chatty today and quite upbeat. Yes you got it- it's bottle of wine day. Smiley face once again; him not me! The car will be ready tomorrow so Phil will have to take me into work and pick me up again. Have really hated not being independent. Had planned to go to Holland Arms tomorrow but will have to wait and see what mood the chauffeur is in first when he collects me.
Not able to change the appointment at Brain Unit next week so I will have to sneek out of Conference for an hour to be with him. Not without stress but has to be done. Going to have to take up meditation again I think-- or medication not sure which would be the quickest fix?? Just hope I sleep better tonight - its beginning to show...........................

"Good" morning

God- up at 4 again today; thats three days this week 3am 4am and 4am!! Glad I record so much on Sky plus!!
Was very affected by programme last night "Wounded" . Can't even put it into words how it made me feel but I want to try and not just forget it. It is so easy just to watch something which makes you think and then just put it to one side. Those lads were amazing and made me laugh as well as cry; and there was a little bit of anger. Their families deserve a medal too. I hope they all continue to improve and inspire others...................

Very quiet

Julie took me to work and picked me up. So stress free!! She can take me in at 7.30am tomorrow so worth getting ready for. Phil is very quiet; one of those quiets that is unnerving. Wonder what I have done but think he is just worried about more than one thing which he doesn't do too well now. He took the car in today and hopefully I can collect it tomorrow after work. Hopefully won't be too expensive. He is also worried about impending appointment with Bob Rafael Neurosurgeon at Brain unit. He might be challenged to start interacting and doesn't do confrontation either so obviously not looking forward to that. I need to be with him for his appointments as he doesn't take information in very well now. Quite stressful. Work quite intense at the moment but take that in my stride and something nice I was told today that I am irreplaceable. I am going to take that on board and enjoy the thought. Have to admit I do work hard. Love it so that part of my life is easy.
Got butterflies right now because the silence is uncomfortable.......................

That was stressful

Got Phil up early so he could take me to work- stressful journey. Got a phonecall from him later- car not booked in til Thursday - oh god two more mornings!! The pick up is ok around 4pm but I have to be outside waiting for him so he doesn't have to come into the building and see anyone.
Julie just called and thank my stars she can drop me at work tomorrow and Thursday so no mornings to worry about!!
Not sleeping too well - up at 4am and 3am last two nights. Don't think I am any more stressed than usual but once I wake up I just can't stop my brain from chugging so it is easier to get up and have breakfast and watch telly. It will catch up on me I know and I probably will get tetchy towards the end of the week but what can I do?
Football on tonight so am going to sit and zombify for a couple of hours. Plenty I could be doing but best to rest.......................

Big Blip

Well just when I thought it was going so well- yesterday my car starting making a strange noise. Arrived home after a very busy day and asked Phil to listen to the noise. Of course as always happens he couldn't hear it; I got impatient. We went for a little drive and then he heard it and we think it is brakes grinding!! Had the MOT three weeks ago and wonder why it wasn't picked up but heh to late to complain??
Not too serious in itself but the implications are loads of stress. Firstly Phil needs to take me to work and pick me up as I don't drive his Rav (would be easier if I did so that's my fault).That means him getting up early as in 8am instead of 11am. Secondly he needs to arrange to take it to the garage to get it fixed; only a phone call but that coordination of timings etc takes so much out of him now. Finally wondering how much it will cost; we thought we had a good month without any extras and now we don't. I have to work that one out but Phil does the worrying and fretting; which stresses me. Got several things I need the car for this week so need to rearrange them too in case it doesn't come back quickly.
Got such a busy time in work too so really bad timing; but in the scheme of things minimal compared to some people's worries. Phil used to deal with all this side of things; he had his roles as I had mine. Now they are a bit lobsided and I have to direct him so much more without letting him know I am doing that. Again this is where I need the kids to kick in and help but they are so busy themselves; or I just don't like to ask!!!
Heh ho another day in the life of the Phillipses................................

Good day

Good day; relaxing with friends pretending to scrapbook! Just so needed after the last couple of weeks. Wonder do they realise how much they help me?? Hope so. Busy day again tomorrow and for the next few weeks so head down and get on with it...................

Good support

The support group was good and because of my surprise this morning I arrived there very upbeat and it went well- no tears- no distress; just talking and sharing. My glass is half full today.....................

Never ceases to amaze me!!

Well I have had a surprise today which warms my heart and gets my puppy dog tail wagging.
Today it is 42years since Phil and I met- on a blind date. I often joke that I should have gone with my eyes open!!
I apologised to him last night that I hadn't bought him a card- I usually do, but I have been so busy lately. We tend to celebrate this day as much as our wedding day. He acted as if he didn't know the date, and maybe he didn't- but this morning I came down to a beautiful anniversary card. Now did he sneak out to the shops last night- (I didn't miss him for any part of the evening and it would have taken at least ten minutes there and back) or did he actually remember? I am going to choose to think the second option is the right one and that he is thinking about us more than I give him credit for . Naive? Yes but it will brighten my day..................BTW I just made him a card which says True love never grows old.......it just matures along the way.............and yes I know this will mean another bottle of wine tonight to celebrate....................but just for a while I am a happy bunny whose husband loves her........................

Talking therapy

Tomorrow is support group for families of brain injury survivors again. I know this has to do me good so why do I worry about it so much. Why do I always think I am going to be in bits. Because very often I am. Facing the reality is hard and talking about your survivor seems so disloyal. That is however the purpose of the group; to offload the stresses and strains of actually living with a survivor of a brain injury. I can't explain what it is like; you realise how sad it is; you remember how good it was; you yearn for it to be "normal" knowing that it never will be again. Seven years ago life was ok; not great but ok. It can never be ok again. Phil is different oh so different; I think I am different now too. I have adapted my life and have some good times but I would give it all up to go back to July 2002 and not go to the party.
The nurses in intensive care warned me that life would be different; I had no idea what they meant. Going to this support group lets me know that others feel this way; others are living this life; some unable to have any good times at all. I have great friends; wonderful kids and supportive colleagues. I just don't have Phil anymore. He looks like Phil but he is not; occasionally he sounds like Phil but he is not. I lost my husband lover and friend in one night.
So I will go to the group tomorrow; be disloyal by complaining about my life; support the others who need to talk too as they support me and then come home and say it was all ok and carry on until this time next month when I have to think and talk about it again..................................

Nothing is enough

Last night I had nothing to say. I sat with the computer in front of me and my mind was empty. I had nothing to say. Today I am so very emotional. Patrick Swayze was important to me in ways no-one could ever understand. He took me out of my world and gave me a dream however impossible. He was a lovely guy and my dream dinner date. I knew this was coming but still not ready for the news. I will miss him so much. I am incredibly sad...............................................

Hiatus Hernia

Bloody thing is supposed to have calmed down since I had antibiotics. Had pastry last night and I am crippled. In fact I feel really rubbish. Needed to hoover the hairballs in the conservatory and lounge and got half way through and the hoover fell to pieces! Had to continue with fluff buster and then came over all hot and sweaty. Had to ask Phil to put everything back in its place and all I got was groans.He did it but it was such hard work. I have come on here to calm down!!
I can't keep on top of it without help and I can't rely on him to do it. So folks I won't be inviting anyone back to the "house of the hairballs" for a while. Am taking week off in November- it will have to wait until then. Aggie would have a field day here!!
Half way through sorting (again) my craft room- no I can't call it a studio- I am not an artist- (live with one- ha ha) but it is a craft room plain and simple.
Going to do his tea and then I might lie down before I throw up!!!
Hope Sue hasn't given me the remnants of her swine flu!!
Simply don't have time to be sick and that is all there is to it.................

Such a laugh!!

Well went out last might with Elaine and Tracey. Ended up having a meal at the 8th choice!! The world had gone mad and everyone was eating out on Anglesey. First the Boathouse in Red Wharf Bay was fully booked so we popped along to the Ship next door. Although we could see each other we were obviously invisible to the staff there and after about 10 minutes we left unattended!!!. Phoned Lobster Pot- fully booked; travelled to Beamaris and : Courthouse- private party; Bull full; Bishopsgate full; Liverpool Arms full. Ended up at the Buckley and had a fabulous meal ; wonderful company and conversation, although I was up all night with heartburn. I was probably so hungry by the time we ate that I ate it too quickly. Anyway rain or shine next time we will book ahead.
Got home late so had a lie in til 7.30am !!

Sorting out my "studio"- can I call it that if it is just in the spare bedroom? Everyone is having a studio so I have to have one too! Was going to rearrange it all and made a plan yesterday but after seeing Phil's face when he realised there would be furniture moving necessary I have been up there this morning making do with the way it is. It's not so bad really just wanted to be able to sit at a table and scrapbook but I have a stool and a high table so I can manage. Better than hassle. Need to pop to the village for supplies then hoover the hairballs when I get back and maybe iron a couple of things- or maybe just move the pile again!!......................................

Raise the mood

Tired this morning- too much thinking. Am meeting a friend for late lunch today then out with friends tomorrow night so I will revert to "fun Trish" or I am in danger of losing my friends. I already feel bad because I don't meet up with them more often. Life is so busy and I am so tired. Too many things to do. I think I am just as organised as ever but there is just more to do. Or maybe greater expectations of me by myself and others. Wish I had gone to Salsa classes last night then I wouldn't have made the last entry on my blog. A true entry but hard to face. Feel that I am having to live both our lives but trying to motivate his Lordship is becoming impossible. The postman can hardly get up the path because the garden is overgrown. Think I need to ask for help- kids where are you??
Well off to work- (my daily salvation!) and although I sometimes struggle with negative feedback I love my job-at the end of the day I hope I am making a difference to some people's lives just by being there. Think I need to do positives and negatives list. Am sure the positives list would be much longer. Maybe later........................

Realisation

I have to be honest instead of being so bloody naive!! The smiles were not for me; they were for the top of the list- red wine. That can bring a smile where I can't. He is my husband but I am his carer. How sad to realise this. Been thinking about it all day and wondering why I have to settle for this- and the answer is - because I love him and the memory of him and the memory of us. Funny that the cause of the brain injury is still between us - like the other woman but in a bottle. So I suppose I just get on with it- any other choice?- don't think so- until the next life changing stage of my life here I stay.............................

short and sweet

Off to work so will fill in this evening- really enjoyed lighthouse but gave me some more food for thought about the future- realisation that the wife role has diminished and the carer role is sliding (or rocketing) up the scale. Sad statement....................................................

Puppy Dog Syndrome

Well just looking at my profile I noticed that I wrote that things are not going to get better. These last few days I feel as if they have just a little. But I have always (all my life) suffered from puppy dog syndrome. When things are good my little tail starts wagging and I see a wonderful future. I am easily pleased but easily upset; everyone who knows me will agree. So I wag my tail when I can , creep into a corner when I can't and as usual call on my quiet acceptance to fill the gaps.................................

Long Day

Good day but long day; fundraising at Erddig; crafting with She and occasionally grabbing the chance to natter; the weather held for us; lots of hard work and the drumming band were fantastic. 198 miles return journey and traffic hold up on the way home so I am tired now- full days tomorrow and Monday too at the lighthouse- I certainly have a varied life!
Just watching all the old beatles tapes- my time.......................

Birthday boy

Phil had a good birthday yesterday. All the kids came to see him;grand kids; great grandkids and friends.I was really pleased for him. It is so great that they all live so close. I got home 6pm after my meeting and we had a nice evening. The present of a night in a lighthouse went down very well and I shouldn't have worried. So that is Sunday to Monday. Tomorrow fundraising in Wrexham for Cruse- no idea what to expect but will enjoy it with She anyway.
Actually looking forward to spending a couple of days with Phil away from home. It has been two years since we last did it celebrating 40 yrs since we met with a trip back to Liverpool. (That wasn't a successful trip).
I hope that the lighthouse is as good as we expect. I am going to sit looking out of the window all night at the 220 degree panoramic view.
Will take a walk up the Orme on Monday morning before we come home- weather permitting. Feeling all sentimental at the moment so have to make the best of it. Brain injury is a funny thing - it can change the mood in a minute. Think positive ... again..................

Night off

Gosh I am restless tonight- can't seem to wind down - lots of things happening this week with work and hoping it all goes well. Need good weather for a big fundraising event on Saturday at Erddig Wrexham, lots of people put a lot of work into this and deserve a successful day. Then of course Phil's 60th on Thursday; I won't be with him during the day- got a meeting in Colwyn Bay all day but sure he will have a bottle of pop during the evening and I will have my coke. Taking him away Sunday; hope that goes well too; difficult to know if he will enjoy it. I am a typical woman and get excited at surprising someone and then dread a disappointing reaction. It is quite an unusual location so hoping it goes well; watch this space...................