What did I say?

Don't get too excited I said didn't I?
As my Dad would say I am not often wrong but I'm right again. Got home from Colwyn Bay around 3.45 earlier than I had said and Phil had his deadpan look on again. Kept asking all evening if he was ok - so different to the night before. He said he was ok but I know there was something.

He had had his report letter fom Bob Rafal which confirmed what was in his brain and what was not . It also said that the meds will be withdrawn gradually. Phil said once he is off the tranquillisers then he intends to come off the antidepressants. I will back him all the way but I have to be honest and worry that it is too big an ask.
So I have to tell myself AGAIN make the best of the little snatches of laughter and smiles but PLEASE don't expect them to happen every day. That is not fair on me or him.
We watched a dvd last night first time for ages - we used to watch 4 or 5 each week. Batman the dark knight. It was too quick and too dark for me but it passed a couple of hours.
Have woken up this morning all bunged up - so unlike me I rarely get a cold; think it may have something to do with coming from a warm car all week into a cold house and waiting for the heating to kick in. Still can't get Phil to switch it on before I arrive home. Don't know how he can just sit whilst it is cold. He does have his BIG sloppy jumper on through maybe that is why he loves it so much.

Today I have to win the battle with the printer. I need it to print out the wedding inserts in the way I want them. Is that too much to ask?
Thought I was being clever yesterday and bought some A5 paper so that I could print them all individually but my printer has no set up for A5 paper- how crazy is that. It is also one of those printers that you don't get instructions in a book they are all online.
Wish me luck I really need to have these done today. I also need to make three birthday cards before I am tempted yet again to buy them.
I love making cards and I have just been too lazy too busy too tired too cold - all the excuses...................................

Therapy day

Well it's off to the brain unit today again. It comes around so quick. It is actually a different sort of therapy day today; Frances our wonderful psychologist is gadding about India at the moment so we are not having a group meeting. So we decided to meet for lunch instead rather than miss a month out.
We go to a wonderful place called Pen y Maes in Upper Colwyn and the food is always great. I usually have buck rarebit but they change the menu frequently so it could be different today.
Jenny will definitely be there not sure about Nan; she has moved house recently and has a mound of "jobs" to do.
Anyway we will have a good chat ; encourage each other until next time and then home.

I like to have a little shop too if finances allow but I think this month may be straight home as I have a busy month coming up. I don't really need any craft ( did I just say that) or clothes ( wearing the same comfy stuff until I lose more weight). I do need some delicate pink paper for the wedding card inserts though. I seem to be struggling to get everything together for these and yet everything is prepared on the laptop ( if it prints out correctly!!) Why am I such a technophobe?

Tomorrow is invitation day so I hope I can find the pink today on the way home.It is the only ingredient missing.

BTW Phil was laughing last night; it was great; he has had a shave (after Julie told him he looked like a hermit) ; next thing is to sneak the dreaded sweater away and give it to the binmen. He has others in the depths of the wardrobe.

I keep getting twinges of deja vue and am suddenly pre- accident ( the good parts). It doesn't last but it is nice for a few moments.

I am off to Rhiwafallen again with Angie on Sunday. We will be arranging our holiday for June at Angie's sisters. Looking forward to that it will be completely different to Guernsey although I am going to miss going to Guernsey this year.

Well time to go and change my patch and get ready for the world.....................

Change in my meds too

I have also had to change my tablets this last week. The anti acid tabs were not really doing it so GP changed to a different one and changed ibuprofen to co codamol. Quickly found that the co codamol make me sluggish so have gone back to ibuprofen ( only one a day so can't do too much damage to my guts??).
I also had to take a urine sample on Tuesday due to discomfort in that area. Got a call yesterday to tell me to collect antibiotics for my "infection". To top it all I have a bowel cancer pack through the post (about two weeks ago if I am honest) and keep putting that off, messy but probably not as unpleasant as I imagine. Not good at dealing with bodily functions, never have been.

Last night I had a very restless night feeling impending sickness but too tired to wake up - you know the feeling. Anyway now I am sitting here feeling nauseous and am not sure if it is the new tablets, going back to the ibuprofen or a bug that Julie's gang had last week and has just got around to me.
Or it could have been tight trousers yesterday!! Hiatus hernia sufferers should not wear tight clothing!!!
So I will do what I always do- two rescue remedy pastilles and get ready for work.
I will be better by I get there........................................

Phil is waking up!!!

I have noticed the difference already for the reduction in Phil's meds. Just one tranquilliser less per day and his eyes look a little brighter ; his speech seems a little clearer and he is smiling a little more. God don't get excited I keep telling myself.
All he needs is to shave his Santa Claus beard off; purchase a new sweater and dump the one he has worn every day for the last 7 years and that will be fantastic progress.
It was commented yesterday how frank I am in my blog about the situation. That is just me- what you see is what you get; always been very open and said what I thought. Been referred to as an open book. As a counsellor this is what I encourage my clients to do; open up and say the words out loud. Listen to how you feel.
Emotions suppressed can cause severe physical reactions and I don't have time for that so I say it out loud. And of course I have the best friends who will listen; whether they like it or not!!!
I still attend therapy every month at the brain unit and use an acceptance and commitment model. Some is easy some is extremely painful but there is no doubt that talking is proved to be one of the best forms of therapy. So there you have it; frank; honest; open ; whatever it is it works for me.

Just for the record too I often read my blog to Phil; have just read this one out loud. I don't say anything in here that I don't say to him face to face. He knows what I am going through; I know what he is going through and we are as honest as we can be with each other.
Our marriage often appears fragile but if I am honest it is probably more solid than most because we have been through everything together and are still just that -together.
I would often like to run away but where to? I would often like my own space but for how long. So on a bad day I don't want to be here; on a good day I love the bones of him. Sounds like most marriages ....................................

What do you have to lose, trish? The planets are now shaking you like a fruit tree in the hopes of ridding you of your old objectives in order to make way for new growth. You feel doubt where once was only certainty. When you consider the worst that can happen, it may help you realize that what you are clinging to so dearly really is not all that important to you. It's time to let go and begin anew...

These stars are really following me! All my thoughts this week have been around these subjects. Is someone trying to tell me something?

Watching the weather just now, want to go to Talwrn to Sam's crop but snow here and the sky is so black. Apart from going out with my hairdryer not sure what I can do. Its a 40 mile round trip and a good part on country lanes. Penny Puma doesn't like country lanes on a good day. Might just have to get my scrapbooking out here instead.
Nowhere near as much fun though..........................

A strong desire to relocate, or to change your life circumstances in some way, might cause you to be overly concerned about money right now, trish. It's not that you don't have it, it's that your aspirations may require more than you have. You might toy with ideas for increasing your income, but now is not the time to commit to anything. Wait a few days, and if your desire for change is still strong, then consider your options.


How spooky- all the thinks I have talked about this week; moving house ; buying a craft centre; going part time. Are the stars with me or what??....................

Which comes first?

Does mood affect energy or does energy affect mood?

I am really tired; bodily weary . I have been for the last week. Trying not to let it affect my mood but its difficult, everything is so much harder to achieve when you are tired. It is more difficult to look interested when you are tired. It is also more difficult to concentrate which can be a drag when you are doing things like accounts or statistics.
Will have to do a double check today of everything I did yesterday before I submit it, just in case!!

My body feels heavy too, more difficult to carry around. Roll on when I can sprint again and run up the stairs. That wasn't so long ago.
Glad I don't have to run for a bus in the morning cause I would be late for work every day.

Have been mulling over the idea of selling up again; just to myself -Phil won't discuss it. Might just make some enquiries about how to get a little bungalow in the village. Are there any available; would we qualify; whats the procedure etc

All the reasons for staying here seem to have changed and I can actually picture Phil and Missy in a little two bedroomed bungalow puddling around all day whilst I work part time and enjoy my hobbies with no debts and plenty of money in the bank.
Sounds good..................................................................

So tired

Dragged myself out of bed this morning. Last night we were both really tired. Emotions can be exhausting can't they. We went over Bob's conversation several times and clarified certain statements.Phil had understood most of it but I explained that he can't just wait for the tablets to do the work. He has to make an effort.
We will see how that works out but I can't relax yet.
Long day today ; catch up from day off yesterday; meeting tonight which I hope won't be late ( I am in charge so I can hurry it along??).
I have already got my bags ready for Sunday's crop. I know exactly what I want to do but when I get there I will probably chat most of the time like last time!! But that was such fun.
I need to print some photos off tomorrow ready for one of my books. I also need to do some samples for the wedding invitation inserts. Leanne wants them by the end of the month so that gives me ...... a week!! Oh well I am sure I can do it, at least the day time invites . The numbers keep changing and I am trying not to get involved; this person to the daytime? the nighttime? etc etc
Leanne is in charge with Julie just trying to guide a little!!

Well up and at 'em for another day. Work is busy too because we have several people off just now so I am having to "be prepared" to fill in. Quite a bit of boring stuff to do as well so better stop talking and get on my way.................
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Good and bad in equal amounts

Good news: no deterioration of the brain; just the same amount of dark patches from bruising and scar tissue
Bad news: medication needs tweeking but it may also be that Phil needs to make more effort

Bob Rafal is like an absent minded Professor and it took him about 20 minutes to set himself up for the appointment; amusing really and frustrating at the same time

We were able to see the scans; first time for me; Phil saw the original ones a couple of years ago.
Amazing pictures and so easy to see the points of destruction!!
Dark patch on the back of the skull shows main impact 2.8.02; dark patch exactly opposite on the frontal lobe where acceleration de-acceleration took place; break in the olfactory nerve which has caused loss of taste and smell. The hippocampus shows no deterioration.

Are your eyes glazing over yet??

I have to say doing a dissertation on Brain Injury has helped me so much and today I realised why I had chosen to do it.
Its not quite so scary when you know the terminology.

So no signs of brain malfunction (more than usual) so that was a big relief ; no obvious sign of early Alzheimers - Phil's sigh was deafening. Mine was quiet as always.

The next discussion was about medication. I have to say Bob Rafal usually rushes us in and rushes us out but today he was wonderful and took his time to explain everything to us both and checked that we both understood.

Sulpiride, tranquilisers, are known to cause Parkinson type symptoms, some of which Phil has; stiff joint movement; no facial emotion; no motivation; slow actions.
Bob checked Phils walking, his ability to draw spirals (obviously means something) and confirmed that Sulpiride could be the culprit.

The plan: reduce the tablets from 300 to 200 mg per day and monitor the effects. I asked that we have a different psychiatrist as I do not have a good relationship with the current one. Bob has agreed to discuss it with neuropsychiatrist linked to brain unit.

Post script I mentioned about the alcohol consumption so that the full picture could be assessed and although Bob said he was not particularly happy about it he could see no reason to ban it.
It may be necessary however at a later date (depending on the results of the proposed plan) to reduce the amounts ( 4-5 bottles per week).

So Phil was relieved about the whole day. We are going to monitor his moods daily and hope that the anxiety attacks don't return. I have to email Bob and keep him informed over the next month.

How do I feel?

Glad that the brain is no worse, sad that the alcohol is now permitted medically; concerned that there may be a change as the medication changes and Mr Angry will return; hurt that maybe Phil is causing some of this himself by not making enough effort.................................................

Both a little anxious

Well the day is here. We are going to see Prof Bob Rafael at the brain unit today to get the results of Phil's recent MRI scan. I have been fighting since Sept 2008 to get someone to notice that Phil is getting worse. Eventually October 2009 they agreed to do an MRI. This happened on 19th December and today we will get the results.

To say the whole process has been exhausting is an understatement.
Those who know me will have been on my recent journey with me and I can't thank them enough for their support. My emotions have been scary at worst and .... don't think there has been a best!

Phil has just gone along with everything in his normal erratic way but last night he was quiet annd admitted that he was nervous.
Can't imagine what would happen to him if I hadn't fought for this. I lost the old Phil August 2002 but sort of adapted to the new Phil for better for worse again.

When he started to deteriorate though I had two choices; to leave or to stay and try and improve the situation. Neither was easy so I chose my heart path.
There are still so many days when I just don't want to come home from work; when I wonder what the evening will be like. Weekends are scary; they are so long and if they start off badly then they don't normally improve. Some are good like this last weekend.
I would never call any of them great though because whatever they are like I have to put so much effort into them that I am tired out.

Again those people who know me are aware of my puppy dog syndrome. I have tried to get treatment for it but think it will always be there. Ever hopeful that's me.
So today I am not going to plan in my mind how it will go I will just be there for Phil and try and make sure he understands exactly what Bob tells us.
Then when we get home I will try to get my own head around it and decide which way to go.
Please wish us luck .....................................

Very pleasant Sunday afternoon

Had a surprisingly pleasant day yesterday. Woke up without pain in my knee first time for a few days; carried on with my CJ and almost finished it before I heard Phil stirring about 11.30 am
We(I) had decided not to bother with valentines cards again this year.

I did ask Phil to get a shower though and when he didn't seem keen I promised him a night of mad passionate sex. After falling about laughing he had a shower. We carried on the silliness and I nuzzled his neck to check the freshness!!!

Needed to get some shopping so we went to Holyhead. Phil drove, an unusually uneventful journey.

Went to Poundstretcher for a set of drawers - you can never have enough; then Tescos for food etc and fuel for the RAV.
Phil wasn't supposed to have wine last night but I thought I would treat him as long as he drank it slower than usual. He was quite surprised and happy. Bumped into Julie Ste and Kyle in Tescos and had a laugh.

When we got home I was thrilled to find my new drawers held 12 x 12 papers perfectly
and I finished my cj.

We had a relaxing evening and kept joking about the impending night of passion.

Of course at bedtime we decided that he was too tired and I had a headache. But the main thing is we had been able to laugh about it.

His MRI results are due on Wednesday and we are going to the brain unit for 1 oclock. Trying not to get too worked up but hoping for some good progress to come of it.
Went to docs myself tonight to sort my knee(s) out. Possible bakers knee ??? and xray booked asap. That will be just what I need but we will wait and see.

So Sunday was a good day; there were a couple of moments when the condition was obvious but mostly good fun. So even without a card Valentines day was celebrated here in Cemaes..................................

ALONE INDOORS

Came home early and to my surprise Phil is out. Don't know where- he never leaves me a note like I do him every morning!!
It is so quiet here. First time I have been indoors alone for so long (apart from when he takes the dog for a walk at the weekend).
Best time to do my catching up in blogland; had words again last night about my vaio and blackberry meaning more to me than he does.

What's wrong with that ha ha .

No seriously he is getting stressed each evening when the laptop comes out and my phone is on the arm of my chair. When else do I get the chance if I am working full time PLUS ??

So tonight he will think he has won but he is wrong- again.....................................................................

Thursday so soon?

Can't believe how quick the days are going.
I am working really hard in the office to try and clear the decks; seems ages since I could see the wood of the desk!!!
Still struggling to sort priorities so decided to start with the most important in my mind which are the clients who need support. The admin can wait; I am only delaying other people doing their admin but clients are desperate so that has been my focus the last two days.
Was due to go to the gym at Tresygawen on Tuesday but Julie was working late so we didn't make it. I have to be totally honest (which I always am of course) and say I didn't mind.
I ate too much yesterday and felt like a michelin man/woman. I got on the scales and saw 12stone 8 pounds. OMG I am 5ft 2in!!!! Picture that.
So today I have decided to get a grip. I know what to do so I just have to do it.

Cereal as always-barleygrass which has to be doing me good but not sure what yet; no lunch because I was not prepared; two cheese omlettes and lots of veg and then a muller lite. Thats fine and I am full enough. (Mind you I ate enough for about three days yesterday so I could live off my fat for a while).

Working this Saturday doing CRB checks on new volunteers so Sunday I have to cram so much in again. Still got a few things from last weekends list!! If I can just stay away from the photograph boxes I will be fine. My zen is full so can't copy any more songs on - never ever thought I would fill it!!

So maybe my ethics form should be top of the list and then my CJ and then the ongoing craft room- will it ever be just right?? I don't think so...................................................................... just popping to my Island for another browse ( and maybe spend?????) .......................

Please can I rest on my weekend off?

Sorted my craft room to a degree; still a long way to go. Managed without Gary but the day did not go without some stress. Phil demolished the wardrobe; skinning his shin in the process and almost demolishing me too. If I had been standing three inches to the left it would have collapsed on top of me!! Luckily we both saw the funny side of it.
He then helped me to transfer all the stuff back from the bedroom to the craft room; a bit quicker than I would have liked. As a result I have filled drawers with anything that would fit; put shelves wherever they would go and although I have much more floor space I really don't know where anything is.
Stopped at about 5.30 when my knees gave up.

I slept like a log until 8am.

Off to Colwyn Bay for a meeting this morning ;in the office this afternoon and trying to relax tonight at home. Yesterday was stressful when my laptop hibernated; broadband froze etc but today we are all up and running thank goodness.
Realised how lost I would be without my lovely pink Vaio.
Managed to take another task on at the meeting this morning. Why do I do that?
Am actually already about 3 days behind in the office -that's if you don't count the filing.

Gym tomorrow night ; need to find some energy before then.....................................................

SIDETRACKED

As always I got sidetracked!! Needed ONE photo for my CJ and ended up scanning about 30 and then playing around. See sidebar.
Gary coming tomorrow so room will be done then.
Not crossed much off list but cd's down to 16- there was actually 80 in the pile not 25!!
Just going to finish them now then start tea............................

Make a list

The best way for me to complete all my tasks is to make a list and work through it. This weekend I have so many things that really need to be done that I will have to do just that.
Some tasks rely on other people's help so as long as they don't let me down I will be ok. Some tasks are not tasks at all but really want to do them .
I have about 25 cd's to put on my Zen; an easy job but back and forth . I am changing some stuff in the craft room -AGAIN- but need Gary to help. Don't ask Phil now too stressful.
I have to complete my ethics form again for my dissertation- am not happy about this so have been putting it off but my finish date is looming so have to at least get an agreement for my submission. This is my third attempt; each one approved by my tutor but first one got lost and second one not approved by committee because I am dealing with vulnerable people. I am one of those vulnerable people -as if I am going to abuse them!! Each participant I know personally and they are all happy to help me with questionnaires interviews and case studies.

No ability to look aoutside the box I say!!! Bangor Uni!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also want to do some browsing on my favourite online shop- Craft Island- I have been peeping at it for a couple of weeks but this weekend I will place my order. Have been without new papers for too long- I neeeeeeed some more . I have nowhere near enough . Is that right Tracy you saw how few I have in my room ha ha .

I also have to work on a diet plan again. I have crept or even rushed to 12 stone 7 over the last three or four weeks. I was a hefty enough 11 stone 5 and then just lost the plot. I never used to be able to eat chocolate as I got migraines but touch wood I haven't had one for nearly six years . I have not had one migraine since I started work for Cruse. Coincidence or what? It may have other factors but I won't go into that.
So now I eat cholcolate- it is not good for me and I have some side effects with my digestion but I still eat it. Yesterday I thought I wont buy chocolate today - so I bought fudge instead!!!!
I won a box of chocolates at WI on Wednesday and Celia and I demolished about a layer and a half on Thursday in the office.

So anyone who has good easy veggie recipes please help. Has to be easy cook as Phil expects a meal as soon as I get in from work and Very often I just have something that fits in with what he is having.
I love rissoto pasta spinach broccoli cauliflower salad BUT I also love ice cream sponge puddings maple and pecan slice custard !!!

I don't mind counting calories - in fact find it easier than points.
So today and tomorrow I will do a plan. Hiatus herni says 5 small meals a day are best for me so that is the way I will go. Any advice gratefully received.

Had a flashback last night when Phil gave me one of his "before the accident" looks. It really upset me and I told him . So both a little quiet today . Thats fine ..........................

SKY B****Y SKY

The only programmes that ever fail on SKY plus are my craft shows. Why is this? So annoying. Home again tonight- so annoying.
Out tomorrow night as long as the snow doesn't come. I am going for a WI taster. I think I may be the oldest there but am looking forward to trying it out.
Missy got a little package from Tracy today - some home made dog biscuits. At first she thought they were to play with and she tossed one all around the lounge. Then she must have got a taste and "woof" it was gone.

Sitting quietly again tonight - we are like bookends but completely different topics!!!
Getting through so much at work it is fabulous.
I am taking Barley Grass at the moment and I am sure it is doing me good but can't put my finger on it. Not full of energy but quite mentally energetic. Can't be bad- hope it lasts all month so I can get caught up...............................

I love my job!!!

So good to get back in the office today. I have so much to do and I love it. Tried to do a priority list and gave up; all tasks are important.
I am in the office most of the week and the challenge is to empty this weeks "to do" list ready for next weeks.
It's a good job the building closes at 5 or I would be staying late every night enjoying myself. Am I lucky or what?

Made the decision today not to do any counselling until after Easter. Think I need to save all my empathy for myself at the moment.
I love counselling but don't feel that I would be giving 100% so am being sensible .
I still use all my counselling skills on the average 20 'ish phone calls every day which is enough.
So because of that I am home tonight. No need to go to supervision. "Relax" in front of the telly.
Probably wish I was there by 9pm!!!

Going to go and get my dressing gown on and get comfortable ...........
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Tables turned but too early to tell

I am still being quiet at home. Phil is trying to start conversations. I am answering but not expanding the conversation. Actually quite easy so far. I am only out one evening this week and home all weekend so we will see see how hard it is to continue with my "plan".
The weekend will be spent redesigning my dissertation plan following response from the ethics committee. Then Sunday Gary is coming to do a bit of Mr Shift It in my craft room.
Work is very busy this week so heh ho heh ho off to work I go ................................................................................