Mojo Mojo wherefore art though?

I had such a wonderful weekend and have paid for it. I came down with a bang.

Melancholy. Why did I choose that word. It seems to be the right one just now. Not exactly sad just remembering back to not so long ago when I felt safe and although life wasn't perfect it was good.

Now it is too erratic. I am not prepared for the constant changes.

I don't think my moods are erratic but my emotions certainly are. I want to give myself a slap and pull myself together but it is too hard.

I do have a good life with lots to fill it but then I see Phil with no life and feel that it would be nice to do some things together. But the reality is different .

I am visiting friends soon and he asked if he could come. I said no because I want to go and be me; something I can't be when he is there. I will be his carer; his crutch; his guardian. I don't want him to spoil it for me and the chances are he would.

So what do I really want - to go back to BA before the accident. Not possible. I look at him and recognise him as my husband; but he is not that same man. I lost him and he lost him.

So yes melancholy is the right word for today. Not exactly sad but wishing for something that I can no longer have ........................