Emotionally spent

Work was such an effort for me today. I could have quite easily taken the day off but true to form there I was as usual.

The reason I wanted to take the day off?

Well yesterday I was completely overwhelmed with sadness on my Mum's anniversary. It is 26 years since she died and I really can't remember ever feeling so bad on the day.
Is it because she was my age when she died? Is it because my health is not at it's best?

I think the reason is that I need her more than ever right now. My life is a struggle and much as I laugh and sing and join in the fun I know that things are not right. I spend too much of my time wondering how each day will turn out.

I have developed an irrational aversion to negativity in others and yet I read it in my blog all the time. I have to make a constant effort to be ok. I go through the motions; I smile; I do my job and I play the part.

But my gut is twisting and turning and I know that my Mum could calm me down with her crazy ideas and funny ways. She would put things into perspective and she managed without my Dad for seven years after he died. Why can't I do half as well as she did. I still have my husband albeit a little damaged. She did have me to look after her though? And love her and protect her. I know I did that.

Yesterday I needed her hugs and I willed myself to imagine that she was here but it was agonising and I wept like I can't remember.

So today I am emotionally spent but I think I needed to go through that.
She was a very special lady and I owed her that. I was incredibly blessed.

My Dad was wonderful too and his day will come; he was a quieter man so I do not have the crazy memories so much ; just the memory of the deepest love that a father could give his "little girl"...........................