Monday, 31 May 2010

A glimmer of light

Phil told me last night that he will miss me while I am away. Not just to do the shopping and make his food but really miss me.
I am away two days and I am sure he will be fine; my son and son in law and
grand daughter are very close at hand for any emergencies which I hope there won't be.

It was just the look on his face that I recognised from long ago. I think he REALLY will miss me...........................

Sunday, 30 May 2010

Decision made

I really enjoyed myself today.
Even though I was all alone I did a lot of crafting and it was so therapeutic. Apart from 48 quickly assembled cards last Sunday I have not done any crafting for weeks. Today I completed two projects and made two lovely (am I modest?) birthday cards.

I spent four hours totally engrossed and loving it. I had coffee then lunch then ran out of things to do.

So I will not be cancelling my crop. I started it for me and it is still for me. It is lovely to have my friends around but that can't always be so I will continue to go once a month and enjoy the freedom and the space that it allows. Next time if I know I will be on my own I will take far more work to do. I feel so fulfilled when I look at the projects I complete.

I was never artistic but I think of this as my late arrival into the art world.

I think it brings me more pleasure than any hobby I have ever had. I was determined NOT to enjoy it six years ago when Sheilagh introduced me to it but try as I might I couldn't resist the pull

thanks Darlin xxxxxxxxxxx

It happened without me even noticing..........

At what age do we stop looking forward as much and look back more?
It has happened without me even noticing. In my quiet moments now instead of planning what I am going to do I reflect on events in the past. Some from the far past and others more recent. I think the future from my perspective doesn't need as much planning as it used to. It just happens. My emotions carry me through whatever needs to be done. It can't be what I expected it to be any longer because there are some ingredients missing from my "pantry".
I fill my days and weeks and much of it is consolations for the future which should have been. So rather than dwell on that I look back a lot to my history. Good and bad; happy and sad; and some which were very very funny.
My childhood was filled with love and family; not much money but lots of cuddles. I hope that my own children and grandchildren say the same.
It was interesting recently when Julie and I went on a course together. She is now also a volunteer for Cruse. We had to do an exercise which detailed our past.
It was difficult to separate the two versions and I was overwhelmed when I realised that I had given her those memories. You do the best you can for your children and are never sure if it is enough but in my case it seems that I did good.................

Saturday, 29 May 2010

I made it

Well I made it through this week. What a variety of emotions and moods.
Our AGM was a success; not as well attended as I would hope but still a fun day and no hitches. Just wait to see if any monies come our way over the next year to keep our service going. If Cruse North Wales folds who will look after my clients?? Who has the skills or the knowledge?

The balloon flight has been cancelled again due to the rain. Almost on the point of giving up but watch this space.

Tomorrow is my crop and I am not sure who will be there. Possibly just me. People's lives change and with that the demands on those lives. I have run my crop for 2 and a half years now and sadly it looks as though it may end. A decision to be made........

Phil had a stress day yesterday. I knew it would happen when he stopped taking his tranquillisers but we have been quite lucky so far. I have started asking him to meet me after work on Fridays to go for a coffee. It gets him out of the house and just bridges the gap for me from work to home.

He met me at 3.30 and I could tell he was "hyper". Within five minutes I could feel myself winding up. I had planned to shop for a couple of things but changed my mind and we just went for coffee and cake. I was quiet and waited for him to relax. I was glad by the time we arrived home though. It is as if he feels unsafe outside these four walls sometimes.

It is now 9.30 and he will get up at about noon. It is raining outside so I guess the quietest thing I can do is go into my craft room shut the door and sort my things out ready for tomorrow.

Monday - Julie and I are off to London. Early train and we will take my car and leave it overnight at the station. That way we will not inconvenience anyone if there are any delays. I hope the rain goes off and we can have a lovely girly trip.
I plan to do lots of window shopping. As usual I am not taking as much cash as I had expected to. Car tax; phone bill; all landed on the mat last week.

I remember when I first started working for the Health Service in Liverpool in 1964; we were one of the few employers who paid salaries monthly back then. Payday was such a big deal. We all trouped to the bank in convoy; called at the tobacconist on the way back and bought presents for parents ( both smokers) and then went shopping in our lunch break for a new outfit. Same thing every month; no responsibilities; just our "keep" and travel costs to worry about. I even got luncheon vouchers and it was a well paid job.
Now pay day is just a headache. Square peg and round hole!!!

Thats life ; at least I have a job so thats a bonus. Well off to craft room for a couple of hours until His Lordship arises....................................

Wednesday, 26 May 2010

Stage 2 gone stage 3 to come

My GP was absorbed by my "very interesting" scan. I have cysts on my isthmus and nodules on the main part of my thyroid. I have to be referred to a consultant who will probably recommend surgery. So I was right last week when I said I would need to have my throat cut. Many a true word said in jest...
So he has fast tracked the referral and I just have to wait now. All I can think about now is all the dates I DO not want it to be. I have so much planned and would rather not have to rearrange. Julie has already suggested getting a black velvet choker in case I still have a scar for the wedding.
Sheilagh has said I will probably lose weight once I go onto Thyroxine so I was right again to delay my diet.
Now all I need to make the situation quite productive is for my tutor to give me a years extension on my dissertation!!

Hot air balloon attempt again Saturday morning; it is getting quite boring now and if it does not happen then I might just go off the idea altogether.

London on Monday --- now that is something I am really looking forward to. Two whole days with my little girl; she is 40 on 17th June but still my little girl. When we are together though we are more like sisters and that does me so much good I can't put it into words.
Dirty Dancing too - it couldn't be a more perfect celebration could it. Our favourite film in all the world. Just wondering which shoes to wear though. When we went to London in January I couldn't walk properly for about three days after!! So it is comfort not style for me.

Well off to work now to complete the preparations for the AGM tomorrow. If I am not prepared after today then it is too bad. This is my 7th AGM in post and can't remember a bad one........................

Sunday, 23 May 2010

Grounded again!!

Feel a bit like a BA flight attendant- are we aren't we. Well we are not. There is too much wind in Cheshire to fly. So maybe next Saturday or Sunday. We have had the voucher extended until the end of May so after that if we don't go it looks like we have lost it. Such an expensive failure!!!!!!!

So I am dangerously browsing the web and feeling the need for compensation. Have just ordered some craft goodies; looked at ebay for the 1st edition book but whoever said it was worth thousands must have a gold lined copy as they are pretty much affordable. I will still try to find my copy just in case.

Now which site can I go on to now...................................
oops remembering I am going to London next week so maybe I will just browse and make a wish list......................

Just a little wind

Well the trees say there is a very light wind; what will the balloonist say? Last time there was no wind here and yet we couldn't go. Julie will be ringing in about an hour to find out if we are up up and away or grounded again.

I spent the night on the couch; no we hadn't had a row; that doesn't happen any more; I had a real sickness episode as soon as I had fallen to sleep and rather than disturb Phil up and down to the bathroom (our bathroom is at the bottom of the stairs) I came down with a blanket and slept quite well.
I still feel a little sickly and reflux is constant again. Still waiting for that checkup following endoscopy.

This blog was started to talk about my life as a carer but lately I have spent more time talking about my own health. I think the fact that I am a carer makes these problems more significant. I need to be ok to care for Phil. He is not capable of caring for me any more. Consequently he is getting stressed at the thought of me not being well which in turn makes it more difficult for me to cope with him..........

I am sure that all carers recognise this. You have to be on top form to cope both physically and emotionally. Our role is to protect and shield our loved ones from harm. Very often we also have to fight for their needs. Maybe my recent fight for Phils improvement has worn me down and resulted in these little health blips??

In the meantime I will wait to see if I can fly high in the sky across the Cheshire countryside for just an hour this evening. Last time was heaven; like floating................................

Saturday, 22 May 2010

Bit dramatic

Reading my blog again it looked a bit dramatic. I was joking about the throat cutting thing!! I think.
Whatever has to be done is ok. I will probably go to the GP to be told antibiotics again and the worst that will happen will be UTI again; side effects.
If I need surgery then that is ok too. This body as got away quite lightly over its 61 years.

I managed to make 50 greeting cards today to sell at our AGM on Thursday. Every little helps. Our financial situation (Cruse) is quite dire and I am already thinking about formulating a plan B.

If I wasn't so idle I could make a fortune on ebay. I bought a first edition of Harry Potter's first book which I believe is worth quite a bit but I can't find it!! I have either lent it out or Phil has put it in the loft.

I have a house full of "stuff" a lot of which I don't use or need. Perhaps I will try a couple of things and see how it goes. The wrapping and posting is the only thing that puts me off and that can't be so hard.

Fingers crossed for the balloon flight tomorrow; getting frustrated now- so close each time.

Well my battery is low and Phil wants feeding..........................

Friday, 21 May 2010

Waiting for results

Waiting for a call from GP now. Had several opinions from non medical people and the general consensus is that I will probably have to have my throat cut!!!! Mind boggles.
All I can think of is how much time will I need off work?

There is nobody to do my job whilst I am away and so what will my clients do ......................................................

Thursday, 20 May 2010

Ulta sound

Managed to get a cancellation for a scan yesterday. The bleeps kept coming and I was told that cysts had been identified; I was hoping that each bleep wasn't a cyst. If that is the case then I have 28 cysts!!!
Have to wait for a week now to see GP about possible treatment. How will they treat cysts in my throat?? or windpipe or epiglottis or wherever they happen to be??

Work is still silly. Too much happening and not enough time to coordinate it all. I am sure I will get it all done by next Thursday. There is my blind faith again.

Found out last night that I am going to be a Great Grandmother again. That will be three. Anthony my 20 year old Grandson and his Fiance Mandy are going to have a baby around January. So that is what my family do well- breed!!!
I love it...................................

Sunday, 16 May 2010

Looks like another interesting week!!

My stars for this week

"Your word is worth its weight in gold. When you make a promise to someone, you deliver, no questions asked. However, not all your associates are as trustworthy as you, as you'll discover when Venus in your zone of friendship squares Jupiter in deceptive Pisces on Monday. You'll give serious thought to redesigning your wish list on Thursday. You're ready to update your goals and achieve your new aspirations. You'll organize your household on Saturday."

I am a loyal friend but have been deceived in the past. My wish list needs a reality check and my goals do need updating. Not sure about organising the household???
Need someone else to do that I think..........................

Saturday, 15 May 2010


Its getting bigger- the swelling in my neck. The thyroid test came back clear so I wonder what it is? Waiting for a scan which could be weeks..........
In the meantime psychologically I am giving myself permission to eat too much. If it is thyroid then that is to blame for my weight gain yes??
If I try to lose weight I will not succeed no??
If I get medication that will automatically reduce my weight yes??

I can dream about a magic pill can't I?

And I am still very very tired........................................

Friday, 14 May 2010


Feeling a bit under pressure just now. There are lots of loose ends all around me. I am coping but my sunny disposition is hard to keep up sometimes. Many people do not have any idea about my life and just see me as Good Old Trish- she will do anything for you.
And yes I will - if I can; but I also need to know that it would be returned if needed. Sometimes a carer needs caring for.
May is my busiest month every year but this year it just seems that there are lots of extras which have cropped up.
I just want to take a week off and craft............heaven. But for now I will look forward to Sams crop on Sunday; that is always plenty of fun and relaxation and an opportunity to switch off from the madding crowd.....................

Thursday, 13 May 2010

Balloon flight next instalment

Pray for calm on 23rd - our next attempt to go up in our beautiful balloon..........

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Not up up and away

Phone call to say we can do our balloon flight tomorrow night. Not possible. It is 3 hours to get there and Julie and I both work full time. I could be more flexible than Julie but she is a sign language interpreter and has clients every hour of every day. So she will ring them and say no. Does that mean we will lose it? Weekends are the only possibility.

Small disappointment today - got the tickets to Dirty Dancing for Julie's 40th -- gift from me and her Dad ( I get to go with her though!) and the tickets are second best price and are right at the back of the stalls and on the end. Not what I expected from Superbreaks. Might phone the theatre and see if I can swop them..................... Life is never perfect is it??

One final attempt

I am off to have a meeting with the Headway people again tonight. Our attempts to get the branch up and functional again have stalled so many times. None of our doing but just some fine details that need sorting.
This is our last attempt and whilst it will be an awful shame part of me will be relieved to have a conclusion.
My motive to set the group up again was to get Phil back into a social network; something he no longer has. He used to enjoy the Headway meetings and loved being the "main man".

It is not as if I need a hobby or something to fill my time. I work full time and some!! As do the Secretary elect and Treasurer elect.

Watch this space......................

Sunday, 9 May 2010

OMB Award

Part Three of this award is to pass it on to some of my favourite bloggers;
I have not passed it back to those who sent it out originally on this path as the danger is it can go around in circles so if I don't send it to you it is because someone other than me also thinks you are wonderful and deserving of this award.

So to you my blogland friends who inspire me with your words and encouragement I bestow on you the OMB award:






Now you need to follow this path as those before you. Sent to you with love and thanks

1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award ever!
2. Choose one of the following options of accepting the Oh My Blog! award:
(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight,
or for as long as you can focus.
(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment.
(c) Write a “soundtrack of your childhood” post.
(d) Make your next blog a ‘vlog’/video blog where
you’re basically talking to the camera about whatever.
(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning,
before you do anything else (hair, make up, etc) and post it.
3. Pass the award onto at least three, but preferably more,
awesome bloggers and let them know.

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Stage 1 and 2

Stage 1
Yes I was so excited to get this award; really excited to be in such lovely company.

So stage 2 is to tell you about my most embarrassing moment. There have been several.

Can I please leave stage 3 until tomorrow. I have you all drafted but lots of copying and pasting to let you know about your award. I am still amazed after getting it right last night but struggling to remember how that happened!!

So one of my most embarrassing moments........ which one to share with you............
ok so here goes.

Phil used to be in the RAF. We socialised with his friends and their wives. Some of these wives I would never have chosen as friends but it was a small community and we all mixed in together. One Christmas we invited one such couple with their little boy to dinner on Boxing Day. The wife who we shall call Ruth because that was her name!! had a voice to grate on the nerves. The husband who we shall call Michael because ..... yes you got it..... put up with her bossing him around all day. Each time I went into the kitchen to check on how the food was coming along and to get away from her voice I had a quick bacardi and coke. Needless to say with her voice and my nerves I spent a lot of time in the kitchen and went through a good deal of bacardi.
I managed to dish the food up but once they were sitting down I disappeared not to be seen again until the following morning. The story goes that I was having a conversation with the toilet bowl!! Phil managed to get me to bed where I stayed - thank goodness - until our guests had well gone. The story ran and ran for several weeks about Phil's alcoholic wife which is strange for two reasons; because Phil was the drinker and frequently overindulged and because now I am a non drinker.

So that is one of the less sordid stories. I harmed nobody but myself. I have done something similar one other time when my sister and brother in law came to Sunday lunch every week for months........ Similar result on one of those Sundays........

Monday, 3 May 2010

Oh wow what a whopper!!

Thanks She this is wonderful. So now to the fun bit and I just hope my battery lasts!!
On receipt of this award I must:
1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award ever!
2. Choose one of the following options of accepting the Oh My Blog! award:
(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight,
or for as long as you can focus.
(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment.
(c) Write a “soundtrack of your childhood” post.
(d) Make your next blog a ‘vlog’/video blog where
you’re basically talking to the camera about whatever.
(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning,
before you do anything else (hair, make up, etc) and post it.
3. Pass the award onto at least three, but preferably more,
awesome bloggers and let them know.

So just like you - I need to think about the best option. I am just wondering how on earth I managed to get this far. Have I done it right - you tell me ............

Sunny but windy; quiet and peaceful

Beautiful blue skies but quite a cool breeze. My intentions are to get my dining room sorted. Then to do some of my dissertation.

I have two and a half hours before Phil gets up and the mad thing is I just want to sit here in the quiet. I really should take the opportunity to do the things that need to be done without interruption. But it is so peaceful!!!

Missy is lying in the conservatory taking in the sun; Phil is gently snoring upstairs and I am feeling calm and relaxed. I forced myself to stay in bed until 7.30 but whats the use of having a relaxed body if your brain is at full throttle??

Perhaps just half an hour to meditate and then I really must plod on. I have so few days off now I have to do as much as possible on those days. I make a list at the beginning of my time off but never manage to get through it all. I have ticked off a few but the others will be carried over.

So ok... 10am I will begin................................

Sunday, 2 May 2010

Balloon update

The flight is cancelled due to strong winds. I sent out negative thoughts I am sure .............
We have been trying for nearly 6 years to take this flight so another couple of weeks wont hurt.
Back to my craft room...............................................

Up up and away

Will I go up in a balloon this evening or will the weather let us down again?
I am not as excited as I should be and I think that is because I am so tired. I can keep going night and day when I am working but once I have a few days off my energy levels plummet. I am aching all over and have so much to do!! Not a good combination.

Gary came over last night and we had a lovely hour chatting. I don't see my lovely son as much as I would like since he moved to the next village. He and Kelly his fiance both do two jobs to save to get married. He seems really happy though and it is lovely to see.

I was hoping to sleep a little later today but was up at 6.30 again. I will now continue the ongoing task of sorting my craft room. I filter from one set of drawers to a larger set of drawers etc and one day it will maybe work well.
I know there is really too much stuff but it is all so precious so has to stay.

Tomorrow is dissertation day I promise and thanks to Donna I have some more material. I am now going to include the difference in the ripple effects when it is a spouse; child; parent; who has had the brain injury. The whole caring aspect is different and the losses are varied. So thanks Donna for pointing me towards some links............................

Saturday, 1 May 2010

The final step

Just had permission from the Neurosurgeon for Phil to come off the last of his tranquillisers. He will still be on anti depressants but says he would like to come off them as well. Ambitious!!
So in a couple of weeks I am hoping for a wide awake interactive (to a degree) husband.
I will keep you posted. Unless I am too busy interacting!! Joking ....................

When I see my husband smile...........

Now I have a few days off work at the end of a gruelling week. Apart from a hot air balloon ride tomorrow evening- weather permitting- I need to stay home and sort paperwork; craft room;wardrobes etc. oh and more dissertation !!

That is what I do mostly when I am not working but this weekend I am also without Penny Puma so feel as if I am grounded anyway.

Yesterday Phil got up early to take me to the workshop to drop Penny off for her makeover and then take me to work. As you know he normally rises about noon. He then collected me at 4pm.
Beverley who works in my building and has worked with Phil saw him waiting for me and said hello and commented on how well he looked. He gave her the biggest smile. Phil is in there I thought and apart from needing a shave and maybe losing a little weight it could have been the old Phil.

Those glimpses are like nectar. Still rare but perhaps more since reducing the tranquillisers. Or is it just wishful thinking.

Because I see him every day I guess I need an objective view from someone who sees him less often. Beverley obviously thought he looked better than last time she saw him.

So after an interesting; stressful; thought provoking week in work I am going to try and enjoy my time off. And hopefully enjoy more smiles. But I have learned not to be greedy..............................