Sunday, 31 January 2010

All my friends should take up counselling

Wonderful evening at Yvonnes and she gave me some wise words too. The encouragement I am getting is keeping me on track so thank you to everyone. Yvonne also talked about the old Phil and the similarities to how he is now. It's funny when you are a carer all you can see sometimes is the condition. I had sort of started my new thinking on 2nd August 2002 and blanked out the "crap" from before. So consequently all the current "crap" I blame on the accident.
So now I don't.
This recent aggression on Phil's part is just like pre 2002. So if only for that reason I am not going to tolerate it.
I am being very quiet at home ( that is when I am in). I am giving Phil something to think about. I won't take any drastic action because I can cope by doing this for the moment. I have a lot of meetings, social events etc .

I am a single woman with a husband at home.
ROLE REVERSAL OR WHAT ...........................

Friday, 29 January 2010


Looking forward to going to Yvonne's -- don't want to be here .........................

Wonderful massage

Forgot to mention my wonderful massage tonight.
Met Julie 6pm had some soup and chips and a natter.
Had facial waxing first then the best neck and back massage for 45 minutes. So relaxing; then I came home..........................................


Suspended for the time being...................

Not actually working

Well for all my determination to put me first and enjoy my life I forgot one thing. PHIL.
He can make or break me and right now each time I arrive home from something I have enjoyed within 5 minutes he has caused a row. Or is it me that causes it; he seems to think so.

So what to do? continue with my plan to do the things I love and put up with the comments when I get home or go back to 2009 style and end up right back where I was?

I know he doesn't have much of a life but whose fault is that? He has the freedom to do what he wants go where he wants whilst I work all day. I need the same freedom to enjoy my spare time and he chooses not to join me so I go anyway.

I went to bed at the normal time and just could not stay there pretending to be asleep. So here I am about to spread my fleecy blankets on the couch.

I am out tomorrow night at Yvonne's so can expect more of the same when I get home--- or maybe not because he won't be having any wine tomorrow night. Wait and see...........................................

Wednesday, 27 January 2010


Went to the gym with Julie last night for our induction- had a good laugh especially when I couldn't get up off the mat and when Julie rolled off the exercise ball!!

We had coffee afterwards and I talked to Julie about what she said on Sunday. She reminded me of where I was about two weeks before Phil's accident- on the point of leaving. How had I blocked that out?

Julie always says "be careful what you wish for." I had said then that I wanted Phil to be different . Well he is - I got what I wanted- pity I wasn't more specific.

I obviously have been looking back and yearning for all the best bits. I am living on that memory and really shouldn't. I have lost all the good parts of "me and Phil". All the crap that was then is still now. He still drinks albeit not as much but more often; he still does not like company; he is still paranoid about money; he still doesn't like me going out but in addition to that he has "lost that loving feeling".

Before the accident I always said "whilst the good outweighs the bad I will stay" It was close many times.

So lots to think about and try and be honest about ...................................

Monday, 25 January 2010

RHIWAFALLEN mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Please all try this restaurant. You will not be disappointed.
Had a lovely meal yesterday with Angie and Julie and had a laugh.

I had an ah ha moment though and have been thinking about it since. As usual our conversation always gets around to Phil and how he has changed.
A relatively new friend asked me last week what Phil was like before his accident and I said that he had never been the perfect husband but that the good times had been brilliant and life had never been boring.
I was relaying this conversation to Julie and Angela and when I said Phil had never been the perfect husband Julie quipped "far from it".
So at 4 oclock this morning after being awake for a while I came to the conclusion that I might be mourning an illusion??

Was life so fantastic; was our marriage really ever good. Julie doesn't seem to think so and she is just being honest.
I know for a fact that if sent a questionnaire to my friends who knew us as a couple before the accident I would be nervous of the results. What does that tell me?
I also know that we always remember the sunny days when we look back at our childhood. Is that what I am doing.

I need to do that list of pros and cons. I know that some things in my life have been possible because Phil has had the accident but I also thought that I was in love with him back then.
Need to think about this .......................................

Sunday, 24 January 2010

The best laid plans............

I have an award and I am thrilled. Thanks She. I now have to pass things on etc but I will study later when I am awake and do it right hopefully.

We got into the RAV to go for a drive as planned yesterday; Phil put the key in and turned it and ......nothing. Flat battery.

We went in Penny and I drove!!. Guess what Phil will be doing today.

Had a pleasant enough afternoon at Holland Arms Cefni Crafts and Tesco. We sure know how to enjoy ourselves!! Holland Arms have still not got the silk postcards in for me- will order them online- want to try out my clarity stamps. Really want the DVD's but didn't have £45 to indulge myself.

Picked up my magazines from Judiths and got the cardstock for the wedding invitations. Must make a start on the shell of those and then will find out what is to go in the inserts. Can feel life getting really busy again...

Off to Rhiwafallen today- must be sensible though my gut was playing me up all night ( and I was designing cards when I did sleep!!) but it is my own fault for having the cheese and onion pie at Holland Arms. I love them but pastry kills me. Silly girl.

My diary is sorted and I will be listing dates later for She and I to work out what fits.

We had a coffee at Julie's yesterday and managed to get the message over to Phil in a jokey fashion that if I am happy he will be happy. He agreed at the time but not sure he really means it. He would like me to give up work and stay with him 24/7.
That isn't possible anyway but even if it was I am not sure that I would last long.

Oh and my tutor expects my dissertation to be finished early summer so my FB and blogging will have to be severly curtailed and I will have to get my head down night and day!! watch this space again....................

Moodmeter is CONCERNED...

Saturday, 23 January 2010


Today I will also be sorting out dates for Sheilagh and I to get together -VITAL -and because of the last few blogs being so up and down I am going to make a pros and cons list of where I am now. I am sure that the pros will win but I need to see it in black and white. I may share I may not; depends on what it contains; might be a few surprises even for me..........................................

I don't like pay days

It is so nice to know that salaries are going in the bank at last. January seems a long month. The problem is I then have to start the monthly juggle!!
I have budgeted all my life and enjoyed doing it; sometimes I didn't need to but did it anyway ; sometimes it was necessary.
Right now it seems that everything is against the man on the street. I wish that my personal inflation level was as low as the one the government boasts. Where do they get that from? Fuel food bank costs -all have risen in the last year.
I do a lot of mileage with my job and although I get some of the costs back it only just covers it. Also I have to pay up front before I can reclaim. This month I have to wait longer for my claim due to a new system in work. So my budget has to be rebudgeted.
For a few days after pay day I am doing maths in my sleep!! Old habits die hard.
It doesn't help that I still think I can have the lifestyle that I always had when Phil was at work. That golden goose stopped delivering the eggs.

Anyway free day today to work on my budget; reorganise my dissertation after the ethics committee censured some of the plan!!! after 26 months!!!!! Going out for a drive with Phil to make sure Rav works ok before it goes for MOT next week and last but not least my craft room needs its new addition slotting in.
I have a big idea for reorganising it but unless I can get a man to help me it will have to stay as it is. Can't risk asking Phil again after last time. I would like to take out the wardrobe and move everything against the walls so I have more walking around space instead of squeezing on tip toes. I am sure you can picture that!!
Wonder if Ste is off work?? (my son in law) bless him.............................

Tomorrow is out to Rhiwafallen with Julie and Angie for lunch oooooohhhhh delicious. Diet from Monday Gym from Tuesday. Oh and before I forget today the moodmeter says JUST OK but that is better than NOT OK ...........................

Friday, 22 January 2010

Off to therapy

Today is therapy day and I always dread it. For those of you who know me you will remember that I struggle with actually discussing my situation with professionals without breaking down. Even after more than seven years of this life!! I can talk to my friends all day because they know and love me but talking to a therapist (remembering that I am a trained counsellor myself) does not come easy!!!! So I always have my hair done, make sure I look tidy, make a plan to go shopping afterwards to lift my spirits and then drive to Colwyn Bay hoping for the best.

The programme we are following is called Acceptance and Commitment. My mantra is "quiet acceptance" but the commitment part is hard. I so admire all those full time carers out there. Just for the few hours of the day when I am in carer mode I struggle so to have to do it all day every day well God love them and keep them safe.
I pray that I won't need to be where they are but if it happens I really don't know that I will succeed.

I am very much more positive with many things to look forward to but the danger is that at the end of the day Phil has the power to destroy all my plans. He seems to have a few physical problems just now that he is avoiding talking about but I can tell that he is worried about a couple of things. I will just gently probe to see if I can get him to talk about it.

But for today I will go and get some support for me and then shop -so really that is their therapy and mine. I know that at least one of them works really well............................................................................

Thursday, 21 January 2010

Super Saturday

I had a lovely day on Saturday. I went to Tresygawen Hall with Julie and had reflexology, neck and back massage and pedicure. Two whole hours of pampering. We had soup for lunch and a constant supply of lattees. We caught up since London as we don't see each other as often since Julie started at NWDA. She is now a busy bee too and we talk mostly in text. So a whole day with her is wonderful.

I got home about 5 and made Phil's meal before I went and tarted myself up for a meal out with Elaine and Tracy. When I say "tarted" I stepped outside my comfort zone completely and wore a tunic and tights and long boots.

Now anyone that knows me will picture trousers and sweater or tee shirt. I was self conscious but actually got the thumbs up from Phil before I went out and that is a miracle. He normally says "Are you going out like that?" which tells me that he is not keen.

Elaine and Tracy liked it but suggested leggings would improve the look. When I bought the tights I thought they were plain black but stretched them over my generous legs and they were stripey!! How does that happen??

Anyway I felt really comfortable so tomorrow I will be purchasing a pair of leggings and a contour underslip. The best part was the boots -so comfy and surprisingly flattering- I think??

Tomorrow is therapy day at the Brain Unit. Haven't done one since October so hope I am ok. Been through quite an emotional time since then.

I have a very busy year and have so many things to look forward to. That is how I need to survive. It is no good me missing opportunities because life is too short. I need to feel on a high as often as possible to compensate for the other part of my life which is stressful.

It is working so far and I have laughed more this year so far than I did for a while last year. What I really need is for it all to come naturally instead of being aware that I am making any effort . Still hoping for good results on Phil's MRI scan though.

Some really good news too- my hairdresser tells me that my hair has stopped falling out. The last three weeks there has been hardly any in the bowl; tonight there wasn't any in the bowl or in the brush!!! I am so happy; I still have thick hair but it is much thinner than it was. Fingers crossed it has stopped falling out for ever now......................................

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

Last Saturday

Just realised I forgot to write about last Saturday which was a very good day. Off to work now then going to the cinema with Sam later to see It's complicated so tomorrow I will tell about Saturday........................

Sunday, 17 January 2010



Good day

Had such a laugh today. Started with disappointment because She not coming and Pat not going to be there. Picked Tracy up and off to Talwrn for Sam's crop. Laughed from the first minute we walked in until we left!
Covered many different subjects some clean some not but so good just to let myself be totally me. It is such a relaxing atmosphere and great banter. Didn't do much crafting but benefited so much from the day.
So glad I met all these people; thanks Sam Tracy Mel Lynne and Jan. Set me up for a week at work now...........................................

Friday, 15 January 2010

Short but sweet

Arrived at Yvonne's last night to find that she had a migraine. She had still got me a takeaway though so I stayed and chatted for as long as she wanted me too. Left about 8.50 with the promise that we would go out for her birthday during the next two weeks.Short but sweet it was good to see her.
Busy day in work today ; left at 3 to go and get my hair done (good hair maketh this woman!! )
Home tonight ; out to Tresygawen tomorrow with Ju for reflexology, back and neck massage and pedicure; out tomorrow with Elaine and Tracy and Talwrn crop on Sunday. Wonder when my paperwork will get done??
Back to "busy lady" just hope I can keep up the energy levels.It has been a long month already and we still have two weeks to go and lots more meetings and outings!!!
Bring it on....................................................


Thursday, 14 January 2010


Why do I forget this- maybe because the descriptions are sometimes difficult?
Today I feel CALMER ............

Night out

Busy day today. Work first then board meeting in Bangor then straight to Yvonne's for a Chinese.
Was due to go out tomorrow night with Yvonne but she asked if we could change it to a take out tonight. Suits me fine in this weather. It will be lovely to see her too. Last year we went out ONCE and saw each other about 6 times. We always went out at least 6 times every year.I have known her since starting at Mona Travel in 1988. She is a wonderful person and I care for her very much. She has been through so much particularly in the last 6 years and she is the most gracious person I know. I know she isn't really as strong as she acts but with three boys to bring up on her own she has been amazing.
Because of my situation I sometimes feel that I have not supported her as much as I could but I am sure she understands why. It is hard to complain about having a husband who has changed to someone whose husband has died.
I wish her all the love for the future and hope that her new man will take great care of her as she deserves.
Tonight I will take my diary and book our next meeting and we will never go back to last years situation . I will never again be too busy for my friends.........................................................

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Support for the supporter

I have had a couple of good days at work and feel my mood rising. I attend a social group for bereaved people twice a month in my capacity as Cruse Administrator. These are people who I spoke to on the phone soon after they lost their loved one. I coordinated their support then and now I see them at the social group engaging in life again and it is wonderful.
I had been asked why I need to attend these groups as part of my role and today one of "my ladies" told me just why I should go. They like me to be there she said; I am part of their recovery story. How humbling.
I will fight for the right to continue attending these groups one of which I started up myself; the other I have supported for 9 years.
We have a laugh and talk about everything under the sun; today was bankers and call centres. They share their fears and concerns; their successes and their advice. I am an honoured observer who is made so welcome.
Today was a good day...........................
Moodmeter - FULFILLED

Sunday, 10 January 2010


I am so disappointed in myself.

I was so sure that I was feeling good and strong and positive and yet today I am back down there wondering if I will cope.
I am trying to do small tasks indoors to get the house back to almost clean and Phil is making it so difficult for me to achieve it.

I needed to change the bedding- don't ask the last time it was changed I really don't know!!!
I stripped the bed after Phil got up at 12.10 today and whilst he was having breakfast so he was out of the way.

We have a slatted bed base so I could see millions of white dog hairs under the bed.
I hoovered the mattress and leaned it against the wall; asked Phil to take the powerful pet vacuum upstairs so I could get the hairs up; he took it up hoovered around the bed and then went to replace the mattress!! Did he not see the hairs or did he just think they could stay there for another three months or so???
I flipped slightly and took the hoover off him to do it myself. He pulled the cord out for me and caught his finger; blood everywhere!!!
I strapped his finger up and then continued to clean up but by that time the atmosphere was awful. AGAIN.

I am now on that couch again. He is out walking the dog; My stomach is churning because there will be silence for the rest of today too.

So what is the reason for all this? Am I not strong enough to let his moods bounce off me? I have never had the ability to get him out of a bad mood in 40 years of marriage so why should I be able to now??

I just hoped that I could do it but I really am not sure today ........................

Saturday, 9 January 2010

Uphill struggle

I had a wonderful time in London with Julie; we laughed so much it brought a lump to my throat.
Then I got home. I have promised myself to not be worn down again but oh it is so hard.
Mr Grumpy was here waiting for me and I came back down to earth with a bang.
Friday I ached from the walking; from the cold; from the laughing but went into work and enjoyed it.
Then I came home and Mr Grumpy was here again waiting for me.
This morning I was up at 7.30 and relaxed with my Next Directory; went to the village; had a couple of coffees; paid some bills online and then at 12.15 Mr Grumpy got up.

Then I put the heating on!!

It is 3.30 and I have not moved from the couch. Can't be bothered doing anything; will do it tomorrow. Mr Grumpy is in and out and up and down.

My stars say I am in for some romance! Where and with who??

It is a constant uphill struggle; easy to say what you intend to do but then so difficult when the atmosphere is stifling.

Must try harder .............................................

Tuesday, 5 January 2010


If the weather was going to be bad it had to be this week. Hopefully Julie and I will get to London tomorrow.
My mood is CALM and AMUSED.
It may change during the day tomorrow if there are delays but I doubt it; we will just have a laugh...................................

Sunday, 3 January 2010


Need to set this up as a default- any ideas?? keep forgetting to log it. So today my mood is RELAXED before the hectic life begins again tomorrow...............

Last chance lie in!

I was determined to have a lie in this morning. My last chance before going back to work. I have been awake for a while thinking - as you do -but didn't actually get up until 8.40. That is so late for me.
I will blog as often as I can from now on but it may not be every day. I will however note progress, blips, results of scan etc.
I hope for some significant progress this year in many areas. Lots of irons are already in the fire but I would like to have the courage to set a few more down. Some big irons some small but all important.
I have a few facts to face this year also. I fool myself into thinking that our life can still be the same as before the accident. I fool myself into thinking our lifestyle can still be the same. This year I have to prioritise seriously.
Phil can no longer work two nights to pay the car insurance; he can no longer do extra shifts to pay for holidays. It has taken me 7 yrs to get that into my head.
So there will be things I have to refuse; places I cannot go. Once again it is about the balance that I need to find. I have always been quite spoiled and had most of what I wanted materially. Compensations maybe???
BUDGET; BUDGET; BUDGET. Addition to my mantra; but first - London on Wednesday and Thursday !!....................................................................

Saturday, 2 January 2010

The effects of the weather

Yesterday I walked to the village and came back energised and positive. It was a beautiful day. By mid day the clouds had arrived, the rain had begun and the day changed. It made me think how easy each day can change; moods are like that too and sometimes we have as little control over them as we do over the weather. We particularly have no control over the mood of others.
I adapted my mood to cope with the change in weather yesterday and decided to do some more sitting and relaxing. I turned a negative into a positive for a change. I just kept looking out of the window and felt grateful that I was warm indoors.
So is that how easy it can be?
Today it is bright again and I am going to get the car out and go food shopping before Phil gets up. I should be back before noon so he won't even miss me.
Back to work Monday and I am going to try really hard to make each day fit well with what I need.
Wednesday I go to London with Julie for two days- so looking forward to that. We both decided yesterday that we have to make more time for each other this year. We need that fix and love being together.
So with my head full of how I need it to be I guess my moodmeter should be POSITIVE but in actual fact today I feel EXCITED for the first time in so long. I really think that I can do this .................................

Friday, 1 January 2010


Hopeful ......................

2010 and blue skies

It is beautiful outside. I have just walked to the village and it is fresh and bright. The sky is blue and the air is bracing.
I haven't been out much over the holidays- haven't wanted to. Sloth is the word that springs to mind!
Have I done any dissertation - No.
Have I done any scrapbooking? No.
So what can I say I have done when I go back to work and get back on the merry go round? Well I have done a lot of resting; a lot oh such a lot of thinking and a fair amount of eating and watching TV.
Ordinarily I would consider that such a waste but I needed to do all of that and I feel better for it.
I have cleaned some windows; sorted some more in my craft room; watched Gary start to sort the loft; so many things I forgot we had. "Cash in the attic" ?? Hope so.

Today I will get my new diary out and make sure that 75% of what goes in it in 2010 is stuff that I enjoy and benefit from. The other 25% will be what needs to be done whether I enjoy it or not. That is still ok -I am not after perfection!!

As long as I have people who make me smile I will be fine. Not going to name them all but they know who they are. The ones who no longer make me smile will be encouraged to try a bit harder!!!

I really am so easily pleased!!

I have so many challenges this year but I am not going to list them here. I have to work my way through them and succeed. No pressure then!! But the main focus is on being content with my life. Quiet but content acceptance; what more do I need?? .............................................