Wednesday, 31 March 2010

Wind and rain

All through the night the wind blew and the rain poured down. I lay there and listened to it for hours.
The window was open; the wind rose and the bedroom door slammed. Phil got up to close the window open the door and stub his toe!!

I had to laugh.

It is an awful day and I have lots to do. Off to the bank again after miscalculation yesterday; have to collect my craft magazines which have been in the shop about a month; monthly bereavement social group which I won't miss even though I am not on duty; then I am getting my hair cut. Well right now I plan to but I may change my mind by the time I get there. My hair is in such good condition now thanks to barley grass and it is the thickest it has been for 7 years. Several people suggest that I go back to the bob. It grows so quickly anyway so I think I will give it a try.
I don't really need a new image but it may spur me on to start my healthy eating tomorrow.
So off I go out into the rain ...........................

Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Waiting for the rain to go off

It's pouring and I need to go to the bank.
I keep waiting for the rain to go off - hate to get my hair wet; it is my biggest indulgence (along with craft). Vanity can come late in life it seems.

I have been looking back at my own blog and noticed "what to do at 61"
One of the entries is reach 62. That wasn't a joke. My Dad died 7 weeks before his 62nd birthday; my Mum just the same; seven weeks before her 62nd. I think of this now and then; more since my last birthday obviously. So I need to hang on in until at least the end of June!!

No I am not paranoid about it. I really do believe that I will be around to be one of those eighty year olds who wobbles from side to side because of gammy hips!!
It is all written down so if I am wrong then so be it. I have absolutely no fear of death. Don't fancy the dying bit if it is long and drawn out but again that will not be in my hands. Whenever it is that I go I know I will have the most wonderful welcome party "up" there. (With luck that's where I will go - have tried to be good).
I always joke that I hope my Mum and Dad realise that I am vegetarian now so they don't do meat paste "butties". That would be a waste.

Until then though I will continue to muddle through; blogging my life as it happens
enjoying the good and enduring the bad so I just hope you will continue to accompany me on the journey........................It's stopped raining.........

Task list

Now I have a week off and need to fill it sensibly. There has to be a balance between necessary tasks and well earned rest. This is my first "break" since Christmas and the next one will be August ( when I am going away so not quite the same).

I have the opportunity to catch up with a few things that have been on my mind. It would be nice to change my world with my thoughts but I can't so I have to do what I can to improve parts of it.

Last night was so lovely with all the family dropping in. Phil really enjoyed the wine I bought him (special occasion I won't do it often) which is strange because he has no taste or smell since the accident?? Never can quite figure that one out- he knows if he has the coffee with sweetener in???

I got up at the usual time this morning - can't seem to just lie in bed once I am awake - and have been watching craft and blog hopping since. Now I need to shower and dress myself and then make my list for the next week.

I will work on it to make it do-able and then report back........................

Monday, 29 March 2010

There they are!

Photos are back - no worries.
Julie just left. Had a lovely laugh with her Dad; does not happen often. Lovely to see.
Phil and I are going to Holland Arms tomorrow for coffee and cake. That will be nice too.........................

Where have all my photos gone?

Signed on to my blog and no photos. What is that all about?

Yesterday I had a lovely relaxing crop. So relaxing that I told the girls my Dad would have been 84. When I got home I did the sums again and of course he would have been 94!! Bit of a difference. Anyway Dad Happy Birthday yesterday -love you xxx

I got a beautiful anniversary card off Phil. He loved the one I made too. I have been on my course all day but have been relaxing since I got home. Leanne has been around; Gary and Kelly although I missed them and Julie has just arrived.
We are blessed xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 28 March 2010

41 years- how is that true??

Tomorrow at 4pm, 41 years ago, I walked down the aisle on my Dad's arm; both of us knees knocking and giggling; to see my wonderful fiance Phil smiling waiting for me to join him.
Dad handed me over and I don't remember too much of the rest of the ceremony itself.

A friend in the choir was laughing at us; I nearly fell backwards when standing up after the prayers; I put my fingernail right through my glove; I knocked my head getting out of the car and dislodged my tiara. The coach taking the guests from the church to the reception failed to turn up and my brother got a fleet of taxis to do the job.

This is typical of me. For every positive there is a negative and vice versa.
Is this how I have survived 41 years? I guess so.

I am a dreamer but most of all I tend to have blind faith that things will be ok. I still feel that way even on the darkest day.
I am also quite naive and think everybody loves me until they hurt me. I hate that.

I have oh so many tales to tell of 41 years as Mrs Phillips. Some wonderful and some not. I am sure there are many people who could say the same for various reasons.

This is our most challenging chapter though. I seem to be fighting this battle on my own for both of us. Is it getting better? Well there are some positives but then some negatives too. There I go again.........................

Thursday, 25 March 2010

Several hours to go

Finish work at 3pm today until 6th April. It has been a while since I had more than a long weekend.
I will be busy until Tuesday then can slow down a little and smell the roses so to speak.

Had my ethics agreement back yesterday (conditional acceptance pending a few amendments). It has only taken two years!!
So watch out Bill- my tutor - I will be winging thousands of words through to you for editing.

Phil forgot to put his repeat prescription in on Monday- he always leaves it til the last minute and had a whole day without his antidepressants. Oh how I noticed the difference last night. Started off asking him what was the matter and then decided just to leave him quiet. He said he felt wierd. Not sure if it was psychological because he knew he had not had his meds or whether they are actually so strong that the difference is drastic.
He is one tranquilliser less now and hopefully one more less after this weekend.

Watch this space..................

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

And so the roller coaster continues

I feel as if I am on a fast train. It is not unpleasant but it is exhausting. I think when I stop I will just tumble off and lie for a while.

I have had two fabulous weekends joining She in her birthday celebrations. that was such a joy and I always benefit from her company.

I have had one crop this month with another this Sunday. That is always good therapy for me; good company; good conversation and really productive last Sunday when I finished Gwawr's scrapbook of New York. Hope she likes it today.

Moving on to Pat and Kathy's books this Sunday and promised two more people last night that I would do theirs - one of India so will be able to get my Taj Mahal papers out.

Off for reflexology tonight at Treysgawen with Julie. That is always relaxing and fun- money well spent even though I thought it was so indulgent at the time.

Last night was exciting. I was voted in as Chair of Headway Ynys Mon. I have been working towards relaunching the branch with Frances and Dave's help for about 6 months now and thanks to all the support it happened last night. We are on our way. We had no sooner set up the exec committee than we were making plans and suggesting venues etc.
The best part of the night however was to see Phil back chatting to his friends and giving and receiving so many hugs. This is why I did it all; not because I have the spare time or need but because Phil has the need. He even let me vote him onto the committee without argument.
So puppy dog syndrome returns and I can't help but be optimistic. The support was overwhelming last night.

Work is still really busy but I am taking 10 days off starting this Thursday 3pm. It is Brookes first birthday and we are going to her party and then I am off until the Tuesday after Easter.
I am going to make a strict timetable or I will go back to work having achieved little (always happens).
I have the art therapy course for two days which I am really looking forward to and also need to complete and send off dissertation material so far- time is getting tight on this and I will end up scrambling to finish it. Having said that I do work better under pressure.

My craft room is untidy again after getting new units so that could be a morning thing while I am waiting for Phil to get up . So many plans.......................

Thursday, 18 March 2010

Wedding Stationery all done

I received the C7 envelopes today for the RSVP's and that means I can put all the invites etc in a box and hand them over to Julie to write out. I will get 100 stamps tomorrow and put them in the box too.
I am hoping that I have thought of everything............
I have spent about 6 hours doing the invites etc but probably an hour of that was spent fighting with my printer, especially trying to get the watermark of mine and Phil's hands from our wedding 41 years ago. (Not sure if anyone will notice) .
I really enjoyed the whole exercise and although there wasn't much assembling required I still thing they look pretty. Hope Leanne and Julie agree.

Angela phoned me yesterday to tell me that her beloved dog has died. Patch was her constant companion and I don't know how she will cope without her. I hope she will be ok. Kelly's cat died earlier this week and it is the last link to her Grandmother. She is devastated. There is nothing you can say to make it better.

I recognise that feeling. Flossy died whilst Phil was in intensive care 2002 and I still miss her. She was a crazy dog and she was mine. She knew my every mood.

It's Friday again - how the time is flying. I have a nice weekend again to look forward to- chilling on Saturday and cropping on Sunday.

Hope She has a lovely birthday she deserves it. Will be sending her my love.........

Mojo Mojo wherefore art though?

I had such a wonderful weekend and have paid for it. I came down with a bang.

Melancholy. Why did I choose that word. It seems to be the right one just now. Not exactly sad just remembering back to not so long ago when I felt safe and although life wasn't perfect it was good.

Now it is too erratic. I am not prepared for the constant changes.

I don't think my moods are erratic but my emotions certainly are. I want to give myself a slap and pull myself together but it is too hard.

I do have a good life with lots to fill it but then I see Phil with no life and feel that it would be nice to do some things together. But the reality is different .

I am visiting friends soon and he asked if he could come. I said no because I want to go and be me; something I can't be when he is there. I will be his carer; his crutch; his guardian. I don't want him to spoil it for me and the chances are he would.

So what do I really want - to go back to BA before the accident. Not possible. I look at him and recognise him as my husband; but he is not that same man. I lost him and he lost him.

So yes melancholy is the right word for today. Not exactly sad but wishing for something that I can no longer have ........................

Monday, 15 March 2010

Whats happening?

Oh I had such a mood change this morning. Woke up after a wonderful weekend and felt low .
Think I like living in fairyland and when I come home to reality its back to responsibility again. Worried about Phil worried about many things and yet whilst I was away I was in denial and thought everything was fine.

Couple of blips in work - all communication problems again and I found myself looking at the classified ads for other jobs. Now I don't really want to do that while I have the best job in the world so what is all this about? Never did like the Ides of March.

Short meeting in Bangor so was home earlier than expected. I was pleased to find that Phil had done a couple of jobs in the conservatory. It's not the fact that he has done these particular jobs but the fact that he had done something other than just sit and wait for me to come home. That was a good part of the day. Think he may be trying to make up for his silliness on Friday but even so it is encouraging.

I am going to continue with the wedding invitations tonight. My printer refused to work so I went into work early and printed them off there. 55 to assemble but all laid out ready..........................

Sunday, 14 March 2010

So So Good........

Oh it was so good to see She. Safe in the arms of a best friend is such a good place to be. Think (know) we both feel the same.
It has been a stressful week for all her family and the best news ever was that Emily was allowed home from hospital on Saturday . She is such a cutie.
What a great mothers day gift for Helen.
We had a great night at the Dog Race - not lucky for me but then I have negative thoughts about betting anyway so probably why I did not win. But such a good laugh!!

Arrived home this morning just after Phil got up. Whilst I was away I had rung him to see if he was ok as I always do. He said he had injured himself whilst playing with the dog. I questioned him about it and it turned out that I left here at 3.15 on Friday and by 5pm he had had two glasses of wine, was playing with Missy and fell over the ramp outside. He has a nasty cut just under his left eye and a cut on his hand.
I am really not happy and worry what will be next. Julie said we need to get him an alarm cord for around his neck connected to her whilst I am away.

How did we get to this??????

Got my mothers day card off him and once again surprised to see Trish and Phil on the card. He ALWAYS calls me LUV and I always call him LOVE. Even in the street I will shout LOVE and often get several men turning around!!!
This is the second time he has written our names on the cards and when I asked him why the change he just said "well that is me now isn't it". Have to say it made me quite emotional.
Have been doing a lot of talking about the situation over the last couple of days and that was hard too. The friends I was with knew Phil BA (before accident).

Got a funny email off Gary and then Julie came around with beautiful card flowers and chocs (I had hinted about these particular chocs without realising it was a hint).

Assembling the wedding invitations and once again the printer has decided to ignore my requests. So I have copied everything into my works email and hopefully will be able to finish the prints of the inserts tomorrow. I could throw the printer out the window ; it is not a cheap one but it just plays me up.. Ok I know it is probably something I am NOT doing. Need a tutorial I guess.

Off to do a meal now and then a relaxing evening before another week at work. Slightly calmer this week but a nice weekend to look forward to with work and play . More about that later -need food..................................

Friday, 12 March 2010

From Donna

I read these words from Donna and I do hope she won't mind me sharing them.

“My words do make a difference at times, but there are other times for silence. If my words are not working, it may be best to stop using them. Just being with my loved one is enough. My silent presence is the gift I give. No words are necessary. What is created in the silence is room for our two souls to rest together and contemplate. We have a sacred time to be in each other’s presence without expectation. If there is anything to communicate, love is the language spoken.” (Sample, 1999)

This is so powerful
Thanks Donna

Thursday, 11 March 2010

Never as planned

Well so much for my plan of taking my husband out for lunch on our anniversary.
I have booked myself on a course for Art Therapy. I am really interested in this and have the chance to attend a free two day course . When is it? 26th and 29th March!! Haven't told him yet! These chances don't come around that often and when I thought about it Phil doesn't get up until mid -day so where would we go for lunch after 2 when he has only just had breakfast?? I will remember that in my argument!

Emily sounds much better and I am really looking forward to seeing She tomorrow.
Has anyone else got such a close friend that when they hurt you hurt.

Out to the opera tonight and I am travelling in style in the Merc; only thing missing is the red carpet. Might phone ahead and see if they can arrange it.

I have been amused by my new nicknames this week and how diverse they are. Yesterday I was called St Trish and told I should be canonised- my hearing is not brilliant and I thought she said cannibilised!! I could feed a family of 10 I reckon!!

Last weekend I became Hard Core Trish and before anyone logs off it is to do with crafting and my exercise regime. Please don't ask me to explain I am not sure I know how it all came about but I am stuck with it. So hard core Trish or St Trish you choose and add any more nicknames you would like I can take it .

Just off to take a "fresh" sample to the surgery. Hope it is clear this time; fed up of antibiotics...............................

Sunday, 7 March 2010

Pensioner? You must be kidding!!

I have an incredibly busy week coming up and I guess I thought I would be taking it easy by now. Not so. Just hope the knees hold out.
Monday busy day in work and home for the evening
Tuesday work again and then the gym
Wednesday work- social group -work and then off for a meal with Angie and family straight from work.
Thursday stats day in work then out to the opera with Sam - this is something new so have an open mind about it
Friday work until about 3 and then straight to She's for the weekend
Saturday day with She and Ralph then going to the dogs!!
Sunday early drive home for Mothers day- nothing special planned yet

Since I became a pensioner I think my life has taken off.
I am loving all the different things I do and hope that I can continue . It goes without saying that Phil is not thrilled with my timetable but I have to ignore his sulks. For so many years it was the other way around and I stayed home whilst he gadded about. Role reversal just happened and he has to handle it.

It is our 41st anniversay on 29th March and I am taking that week off work. We can't go away because we have Missy but we may go out for lunch a couple of days.
I am not expecting any surprises; I am still watching the effects of the tranquilliser reduction and am not sure that there is a difference.

Still hoping for good news from Sheilagh about Emily and hoping Conor has a good day starting in the army. How exciting for him..........................

Saturday, 6 March 2010

Just what I needed

Reflexology; can't beat it to unwind me. Only problem was it was comical getting off the bed this time. Knees locked tight after lying down for one hour.

I needed that relaxation; think it should be on free prescription for Health workers.

Hopefully Emily is beginning to recover. She has e-coli and is currently on dialysis and has had a blood transfusion.
She is part of a fantastically close family and they are all closing in to support each other.

More prayers for her continued recovery are requested............................

Wishes for Emily

My very best friends grand daughter is very poorly and I am so concerned for all the family. This is the most difficult situation to be in - to see a child suffering. I am praying that everything is ok today and that she will be back home soon as right as rain.

Her young cousin is starting on a new life tomorrow in the army so good luck Conor and enjoy the whole experience. You are a very level headed lad and I know you will do well. Take some tissues with you for your muther when she says goodbye.

I will be thinking about all the family and just hope to hear something soon. All the love in the world xxx

Thursday, 4 March 2010

Wear and tear

Was pain free when I got out of bed - not so now. I have driven 68 miles; walked a mile or so and climbed about 50 stairs ( and then come down again).
So it just has to be wear and tear.

Short day tomorrow -lunch with Sue and night in. Reflexology Saturday that may help to relax my leg??
I can hope.
Crop on Sunday and that is relaxing- got a plan for scrapbooking.
Looking forward to that..........................


7am and no pain. It is so wierd. It is just a normal knee this morning. Had a really good sleep no tossing and turning. Also had a nap during the England match last night! How tired must I be? Another busy day and home late so just hope my barley grass works. It is certainly doing the trick on my hair. Still no hair loss and Jo commented on how they use to have to scoop it out of the sink after my wash.

Was really sorry to miss Sam and the ladies last night but I just could not have driven 40 miles but I am sure they had a good time .

Not much to report from Phil; no more smiling or laughing so it must have been a coincidence . We have to send a progress report to Bob tonight and after 2 weeks we don't know what to say....................

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Knock knees!!

I am like an old lady. Had the xrays yesterday and had to straighten my knee more than I usually do. My knee is now all puffy and when I was walking today was like a hot poker pulsing in the centre of my knee.
Think it might be hereditary as my uncle had both knees and both hips replaced. He is fine and trotting around at 81 yrs old.
I have quite a tolerance to pain but what does annoy me is the feeling that my leg is going to give at the knee; like a large elastic band that is ready to "ping". And I look really silly hobbling.

To exercise it; to rest it ; to keep it cold ; to warm it up ; to put a support bandage on it ; to rub some deep heat in???
And the results will take 10 days!!

So until then just drive as little as necessary , no stooping (haven't been able to do that for about a year); and keep taking the tablets.

Was told on Monday even if I need a new knee I can't have one until I am 65.........

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

So tired

What is this erratic energy syndrome?? Can't seem to have two days on the run with energy.

Had xray on my right knee today and have to wait about 10 days for the result.

Manic in work heading towards busiest time of the year. Once again everything is someone's priority .

Going to just chill at home tonight........................

Monday, 1 March 2010

Eventful week

Need energy in bucketfuls this week:

Tonight- meeting in Bangor after a full day in the office (accounts day)
Tomorrow- Xray on my knee morning and then meeting in Menai Bridge afternoon
Wednesday -work day and then WI evening
Thursday -Work day and then Board meeting Abbey Road evening
Friday -work morning then lunch with Sue
Saturday -Treysgawen Hall with Julie all day
Sunday -My Wylfa crop all day

As Phil keeps saying " how do I do that"

I also need to assemble the invitations this week as soon as I know how many of each. The printer just let me print one sheet of A5 on an A4 paper. Really don't know what I am doing wrong but it is better than nothing.

Phil has a cold so its quite noisy here groaning by day and snoring by night.
Not sure he is too happy about this week being so busy for me; he has got used to having me home more recently.

Julie starts full time working this week so our Treysgawen days are going to be more precious. Hope to keep up the gym every other Tuesday. Always DON'T want to go but love it when I get there. It's just the journey that puts me off - maybe I should move closer.

Might not be blogging too much this week; but all of the above is the reason why.
Daren't even list next weeks timetable don't want to think that far ahead.

So one day at a time..............................................