Oh NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phil has got my germs! He is sooooooooooo much worse than I was. And it's party night tonight- will he be allowed to go? Ju and clan going away Monday so she won't want his germs will she. He may have to stay home with Missy and Merlot!!!! I have got a whole weekend off. Started it with quick trip to Holland Arms to buy a 12 x 12 box - got a storage idea and need to see if it will work. Really disappointed no desk yet from Focus- they have got my money so where is my desk?? Just going to have coffee then go up and take pictures of the "before" craft room and start to make it into the "after"!!!
Really got lots of other things I could be doing but heh how often do I have a weekend off??
Might just go and watch Stamping with Clarity with my coffee........................

Give up!!!

Normally works but please go to 60 by 60 to view x..........

and again

http://mepschronicles.blogspot.com/2009/10/make-your-life-worthwhile.html

Sorry ignore that it didn't work

Why didn't that work??............

Pass it on

Let us all benefit from the wisdom

http://mepschronicles.blogspot.com/2009/10/make-your-life-worthwhile.html

....................

Good sign

We are going to watch a dvd tonight; this is the first time in at least 12months and when you think Phil used to watch 4-5 per week!!! So I am noticing changes ( daren't say improvements just yet because I don't want to tempt fate) and I am liking what I see. The atmosphere is less stressful; even smiles and laughs seem easier and more frequent. So now we will watch Angels and Demons.......................

Slow motion

Can't get going- been up since 6 and haven't woken up yet. I know I have to because I have so much to do today. Everyones's request is urgent type of day. Keep looking round the office wondering if I will ever be able to empty and sort all the boxes. Hopes of a bigger office were dashed yesterday so we have to stay crammed in where we are. Not so bad when I am on my own but not comfortable for Gwawr I am sure when she has to fit in with me. Especially when I spread papers everywhere for a mailshot!!!

What is the best pick me up?? Red Bull?? have heard strange things about that. Lucozade? not quick enough reaction. Sanatogen - thats only good for over 40's need one for over 60's!! Think I will just stick to my coffees - stronger than normal and two sweetex for a change .

Already starting to plan November in my head- going to be crazy!! That will be a challenge and a half to fit everything in and still keep on track with work. I can feel some delegation coming on!!!

I am going to be away for three days but am taking 10 days off so will have a whole week with Phil to sort the house. Might fit in a lunch or two locally just for a change of scenery for him; that is as long as he gets up early or it will be lunch time when he has breakfast; fingers crossed.

Still waiting for appointment for MRI; maybe should chase it?? ...................

Windows 7

I have ordered this today- supposed to be easy so watch this space. Really non productive day today - three steps forward and four back.
Tomorrow will now be catch up first.

Phil laughing tonight ; that was lovely; I was telling Julie how he tried to text me when I was in Sicily. He keyed a letter and pressed send and again and again. It cost a fortune and took him 20 texts to tell me he loved me. He gave up after that and hasn't sent a text since!

Football and Merlot tonight so I am just going to clean my laptop up a bit. Still can't get emails but can send them; what does that mean; have tried everything. They come through on the blackberry but get stuck on the journey to my laptop?????
Think that is what I will be in my next life- a computer geek.........

Feeling much better

Don't speak too soon but I am feeling much better. Apart from flaky under nose region (yuk) I am clear of all signs of disease!!!
Just as well as I have a social group meeting today with some elderly (older than me) folk!!
It is a lovely bright morning and I am ready for work!!
Saddo or what.
Not keen on the dark nights though- I HATE night driving. Since I had the laser thingy it seems to be darker. Really hoping I can get laser correction next year-so fed up with glasses. First task of 2010 is to visit Optimax either Liverpool or Manchester for consultation.
Then my colours with "She" and then who knows what. Already forward thinking ; that's a really good sign isn't it? Phil has been quite sweet the last few days so maybe I have a little "puppy dog syndrome" just now but I will enjoy it while it lasts.
Doing my finances tonight so might come down to earth. Got a few indulgences this month (November) that need feeding so have to jiggle things about to make that happen.
So glad I am having a week off later in the month too to sort the house out. Really looking forward to that- massive decluttering; who wants what??
Have to clear some more crafty things ready for retreat when I may just purchase a few items that are essential to my existence!! OK we have already agreed I need therapy but can I start with retail therapy first then work my way towards the rest??
It's the one that I like best and I am worth it ?????...........................

Over my shoulder

Phil has decided to take an interest in my blog and Facebook and has started asking questions about it. That is both good and bad; good that he is showing any interest in anything but bad that he wants to share in something which until now I had considered "my space". We have always been honest with each other since the accident so I am not worried about him wanting to read it ( he hasn't actually asked to yet) but I just wanted it to be my personal journey; alone. Will see how it goes; the novelty may not last long. I think tonight the Piat D'or Merlot may be at play!!

Had a struggle at work today too much work and not enough energy. Will try and catch up tomorrow if I feel a bit better. As long as I don't start coughing; I spend a lot of my time on the phone and there is nothing worse than sitting trying not to cough and your eyes streaming!!
Watching Life on BBC - it is amazing....................

Rough rough rough

That is what I am feeling this morning. Tossed and turned all night; at the bunged up stage and dreading the coughing stage. Just got a really horrible headache at the moment.
Got a lot to do in work so I am sure it will take my mind off it. Am on my own today too so I can moan and groan as much as I like. I normally talk to myself in the office anyway even when Gwawr is there ; she has got used to it bless her - hope she enjoys New York this week; lucky duck!!

Think I might get some linctus on the way to work and see if I can speed up the process today by sweating it out. Might just see how I feel with the phone; not feeling terribly empathic just now; might be better to let the answerphone do the talking today and phone everyone back later when I can talk and concentrate better....................

Oh doh I got a runny dose!!

This is horrible and Julie has just refused to stay for a chat because she is going on holiday and can't afford to get my cold!!! Watching football again and wishing the maid would make tea for a change; not likely to happen though. Nice relaxed crop as always today . Some of the subjects we cover are amazing but educational??? Discussed my need for therapy regarding spending; discussed dog sledging; family dynamics; car mechanics; do it yourself; stroked papers etc. In other words a normal sort of crop for us. Great way to end the weekend. Thanks ladies.....................

It got me!!!!

Well I thought I was going to escape without getting a cold but it got me!!
Feeling all the usual symptoms- achy, stuffy, my voice is like Paul Robeson's (for younger folk that means very deep) and my chest is tight!! But I don't feel ill- it is all just so inconvenient. Got a crop today so can relax but need to sit a couple of tables away from everyone so I don't spread my germs. Looking back I think this started last weekend so I don't think I am contageous now. Felt the benefit of the extra hour - got up at what would have been 8am which is a miracle for me although I had been fighting for a few hours not to get up.
Learned another lesson yesterday; had a little grouch about a friend who has been negative towards me just lately. We met for lunch and it was hard work then she phoned me later in the day and asked to take me out in a couple of weeks because she is worried about me. Seems her negativity is because she doesn't know what to say to me without it sounding as if she is criticising . Ok I will accept that and think twice before judging. Maybe the negativity has been both ways so will start again and look forward to Rhiwafallen.........................

Another early start

Up since 3am. Watching craft again and surfing a little. Wish I could say I am not sleeping because of guilty conscience- at least that would be exciting. But I wake at various times and then start to go over this week last week next week until my brain says get up!! Once I am up I need coffee and usually cereal (even at 3am) -(comfort food). Then tv goes on to my recorded craft and I can clear my mind of everything else. Been up two and half hours now and sore throat has eased; head feels less stuffed but I know by 7pm I will be sooooooooo tired. And something happens to the clocks tonight and I still can't remember after all these years will I be better off or worse off?? Mental block!!! Just had second coffee and wondering whether to just lie down on the couch and try and close my eyes but already my mind is wandering so I think I will just stay awake and carry on with the day. Have decided that my cold is due to having the central heating on because I am not used to it so have probably got too warm. Have to say the cavity wall insulation is amazing. It was still warm in here when I came down at 3am and the heating went off at 10pm. So a real money saver and we got it done for free. Can't be bad!!
Just for the record are some of the QVC presenters really annoying or is it me? I can't have the sound on as it drives me mad; don't know how the guests put up with being talked over and having their products fiddled with. That is my early morning grouch.
Think I will have a shower and then maybe creep into my craft room to try and sort my bags for tomorrow. Hair appointment 7.45am today but probably a 2hr job so I can relax then too. Just wish I could follow on with a facelift to complete the job!!................................

Disappointed

Well I let myself down at the therapy group today. Was given the opportunity to talk and they couldn't shut me up. Didn't know how much I had buried this last month. Anyway feeling rather emotional now but that is usual. Phil always asks how it went and I always give him a watered down version but today I actually told him how much I am struggling. His response which I expected was "why".

Also disappointed when I went to Focus to get my desk. I went in and asked for an executive desk please and is ther anyone I can get to put it in my boot. Sorry love we haven't got one in stock do you want to order it!!! Oh there go my plans to get my craft room sorted at last. I did get a pensioners discount card though so I expected to pay £50; it was on special offer @ £45 and with my 10% off I got it for £40.20. Just hoping it is not too long coming!!
Started with a sore throat around mid day. Very unusual for me to have a cold but I think that is going to happen. Really tickly throat and sweats. Haven't really got time so hope it disappears overnight.
Hair appointment at 7.45 am!!! colours including my pink and still undecided whether to have a cut. Dangerous time for me as I feel so unattractive anyway so striving for better look!!!
Then out for lunch to Jade Village with Angie.
Sunday I get to crop with friends and hope to finish my scrapbook project. It just needs the final touches but haven't decided what they should be yet.
Just going to take a short trip to my island now so it gives Sam chance to get it together for Sunday.
No what do I need? More paper? Surely not!!!........................

Halifax bank disgusts me

I used to work for them but the latest charges from Halifax are immoral. Think I might as well ask them for the maximum overdraft cause it won't cost me any more than a small one. Standard Life have ruined my retirement now Halifax threaten to spoil my finances day to day. If I could afford to pay my overdraft off I would move tomorrow. Think I will write a book called "A challenge a day" as that is what I am dealing with right now...................................

The long and winding road........

.......to Colwyn Bay. I am there today for a Cruse meeting and tomorrow for my therapy group. Penny Puma should know her own way there.
Today will be interesting; always lots to discuss about Cruse North Wales; tomorrow will be "interesting" too. Think I might be too tired to talk but who knows. Can never tell until we get there. Going to ask Frances to do some relaxation techniques before we start which usually helps. I have decided not to stay for the second "newer" group; I don't feel that it is beneficial to them or me. We are at different stages but I sometimes catch a glimpse of similarity and think that in some ways I haven't moved on in 7 years. I would hate them to identify that too and wonder if they will be stuck in 7 years. So I will leave after our group and do some shopping on the way home to wind down . Might even go to Focus to get the new desk for my craft room. Now that thought has lifted my mood so that's a good call. Might even be able to get pensioners discount card omg!! Then I just need to persuade someone to put it together and move my room around. Now that will have to take some thought; watch this space.................

Bezzy mate gave me an award

Oh how lovely I have an award- think it is the first, Don't know exactly how to grab it and show it but am sure She will tell me. I want to cry but I won't. Got that burning feeling in my throat though!!
She is wonderful and knows how to lift me and she has!!!!

Tracy too is a star and is watching over me. Thank you both so so much xxx..........................

God Bless Football - sometimes!

Football on tonight so my laptop is invisible to Phil . I actually bought him a bottle of wine from Tescos on the way home. He commented "you spoil me" I responded with "actually its the price I have to pay to see you smile". I walked away as I said this so can't say what the response was. I also said "I can't make you smile but wine can". That was probably a step too far no matter how true.
So here we are , him watching Liverpool and me blogging. I had a coffee he has his Merlot.
Looks really cosy...........................

Price to pay for the heating

A quick P.S. - going to turn the heating off again I think. It has been on a couple of days and Phil follows me round closing doors after me " to keep the heat in". Now that is stressing me out cause he turns all the lights out and shut all the doors at bed time before I had even finished doing what I need to. Oh maybe it is me??.........................

Another Tuesday

I am not blogging as often due to sensitivity to Phil's needs. In other words he is stressing me out just now so I am not relaxed enough to blog. Takes me all my time to browse Facebook. Not sure if it is him or me but there is certainly an increased tension just now. I am tired but thats normal ; he is miserable but that's normal so what can it be? I am relaxed enough everywhere else so don't think it's me? Can't put my finger on it . Once again I am seeing him relax on wine nights and not on non-wine nights. So what is the solution? Buy 7 bottles of wine a week and just watch him slowly kill himself?? Dilemma! If he is not happy without it is it right for me to complain because of my views? The medics know the situation and haven't actually said do not drink. They just say within moderation; whose judgement is that then? Am already concerned about Christmas and have said if we have a repeat of last year then that is the last straw - but am I all talk? Could I really go? I don't think so and maybe that is the problem...........................

A good day

Today was a good day. No pressure from anyone- no expectations- lots of laughs- lots of support. What more can a girl ask for. Well a lottery win might be nice!!
I really wish I could carry the free mind over to home. As soon as I get in the house I tense up and feel under pressure. My problem- as Phil doesn't really do anything specific to cause this . Need to deep breathe. Think it might be the house itself that is causing it. Declutter will help; Feng Shui might be useful; or blinkers would be a quick fix!!!
Wonder how much industrial cleaners would charge to come in and sort it??

One bright light- we have the heating on at Phil's suggestion; first time this year- daren't tell him that I feel a bit too warm!!!

Another busy week ahead working towards therapy day on Friday. Need to pace myself and just enjoy the ride........................

I hate computers

Oh I am so frustrated. Put my laptop in for sorting last weekend because I was away so wouldn't need it and got it back Tuesday after the viruses were cleaned up. Now I am still struggling to get my mail through and just don't have time to go in and sort it. So I am going on mail2web every day. Emails do come through on the blackberry but larger view is needed for some. I did ask Jim to sort emails as it has happened before but obviously it didn't happen!!
Went to do an Excel course on Thursday which was brilliant and I learned a lot of extra stuff - so now I need to do more and more courses so that the stupid thing no longer intimidates me!! Have enough other things that do that without my laptop joining in!!
Actually need a little man (or woman) in the cupboard who I can get out every time I have an IT question. In fact they would not spend much time in the cupboard so I could sort them out with their own room!!!! And feed them!!!
Oh well off to Colwyn Bay now to do some training. Aren't the trees just a fabulous colour right now?? We have a Russian Ivy outside which is beautiful. Sorry my mind is drifting now and again. Where was I - Oh yes off to Colwyn Bay...............................

So stressful

Some weeks just don't start out right!! After a lovely weekend away with Elaine Monday came too soon. I never dread going back into work though because I love my job thank goodness. It is the rest of life which causes me grief (pardon the pun with me working for Cruse).

Monday I expected to collect my baby Vaio and she was riddled with viruses!! How come?? So Tuesday I got her back allegedly 100% cured but then struggled to restore all my settings. Thought I had lost my blog; pop ups kept asking me if I wanted to update this and that. Tried not to swear but failed. Tried to pay a bill online and failed. Made the payment over the phone successfully. Again how come??

Then.................. 7pm last night got a call from Natwest Fraud Squad!!!!!!!!!! What had I done?? Automated service asked me to verify all my details securely. Problem was it would not believe my year of date and kept asking me to verify. I gave up!! 7am this morning got a text to say a fraudulent transaction had taken place on my account and to ring .........yes the same number as last night to the automated service. Once again did not want my year of birth to be 1948!!! Eventually found a number to ring around 7.30am to be told that they had frozen my account pending investigation ( I was planning to fill the car up before work as I have a few trips this week).

After quite thorough interrogation I was able to convince them that I am me and that I do know what year I was born. Pity they have it recorded wrong.
Good start to the day; filled the car up whilst on my knees praying that the card would be accepted. It was. I still have to go through questioning when I go to my local branch to query why they have suddenly changed my date of birth.. It will have to wait until Friday.

Phil has an appointment with Rudi from the brain unit tomorrow; might get further news of the planned MRI scan. I can't go with him this time as I am going on a course to perfect my EXCEL skills. In theory!!!
Going to see Jane from Uni afterwards - we haven't met for months.

Sleeping a bit better this week; think because it is so dark in the mornings; managing until about 6.30 most days. I don't like this time of year. I feel scruffy; my skin looks grey; I feel fat (I have put some weight back on) and I hate wearing coats and boots. Hope the winter is mild and short this year.

Cruse course on Saturday and then Sams crop Sunday. Really looking forward to that to relax. Got a project to finish for Tracey and Dave then Jo has asked me to do another book for Poppy similar to the one I did for her Dad. I am pleased she liked it - gives me such a buzz.

Hoping "She" is going to be there Sunday; need to give her a big hug of encouragement. She is having a tiny blip but I know it won't last; she has so many supporters to lift her.

Football on right now so taking advantage to blog to excess as I have been away for a while due to a technical fault!!!!

Well I hope the rest of the week is less stressful although this time tomorrow I may be EXCELLED out!!! Forgive me if I speak in code .......................................................................

I need it too

Last posting looked as if Elaine needs this trip but I need it just as much. Not sure about Snowdon; Phil really not happy about me doing it; says people get hurt all the time. Waiting for a message from Elaine to she if she is ok NOT doing it. It will still be on my list but for another date.
Had a really good day with Rhiannon my training officer today. She is a likeminded Cruse person. I think we speak the same language .

Bright light last night- Phil has said that when he gets better he is going to "do up" his sports car which is rotting in the garage. That is the first "future" statement for several years. Try not to get too excited but also don't be dismissive of his plan.

Have told him I am going to buy him a leaf hoover for the garden. He has told me to save my money!! Let the wind clear them!!

Freezer man just fixing fridge freezer for about the tenth time. Really did get a Friday machine but I do love it. Phil hates it because he is the one who has to arrange the man to do the repairs every time. Hopefully this will be the last as every single part has been replaced today!!
Here's hoping...................................................

Short and sweet?

Just a quick entry tonight. Been awake since 3am! Wish I could close the door on the filing cabinet in my brain. As soon as I wake up it is overflowing and I have to start sorting into priorities and that keeps changing!! Wondering whether I should have planned to climb Snowdon on Saturday or whether I should just act my age and have a relaxing weekend for a change. I am not saying that I am praying for rain but I did say weather permitting so ??? I expect I would regret it if I backed out and usually once I say out loud that I plan to do something I normally do it. Sad or what? Go with the flow. I just know that I am looking forward to spending this time with Elaine. We are so close but have just not been able to get together often enough for the last 18months. We went to Sardinia last year (or was it the year before?) and spent 90% of the trip just talking. It was heaven. I was in a dark place and she took me away from the stress for just a few days and it saved me. Now I am taking her away when she needs it. Thats what friends are for and she truly is a diamond.
I was told today to use my Reiki training so am going to give it a go now and maybe sleep tonight...........................

Back at last

Wow I am glad to be back. How can one company cause so much confusion? Anyway I have my broadband back- hopefully my bank account is now correct too but watch this space.

Quite a lot happened since my last blog. Work is mad but thats normal. My energy levels are a bit low but that happens. Had the appointment with brain unit last Wednesday and Phil's cognitive tests have worsened- I could have told them that- in fact I have been telling them for two years. At last they have scheduled a further MRI scan. Just to check the biological state. Then we can move on to medication etc

So after months of fighting for him we are getting somewhere. But I am actually exhausted by it all. And scared of the results if I am honest. Dementia was ruled out in February. That was a relief but what else might it be?

The last two weeks I have been doing so much on my own I think it will be difficult to include him again. Everything I consider doing I imagine that I need to do it alone. Is that because I want to do it alone or is it because I will probably have to so need to get used to it?? And it is easier to plan without complication.

I am away this weekend with Elaine in Betwys y Coed. Phil is not happy but I need this time. Guilt rising again! ...........................