Friday, 31 December 2010

New Year's Eve

It is my least favourite day of the year.

Historically I have either stayed in alone or spent the evening in the company of alcohol infused folks.

Tonight I will be at home with Phil. I imagine the kids will all text at midnight as usual. I prefer to be in bed before midnight but stay up to respond to the texts.

Tomorrow will be the beginning of another challenging year. I have so many hopes and dreams which God willing will make it a good year. I try to be an optimist; I always was but still have that little niggle that I can't relax too much.

I have so much to begin the year with. My family has grown to ten all healthy and most happy. I have friends who I love and trust. I have a job which is reasonably well paid (for Wales standards) and which I enjoy. I have a home which needs attention but is warm and safe.

My concerns for Phil keep growing but that is the nature of brain injury. On a short trip out yesterday there were so many stressful moments too many to list. I sometimes feel guilty that we don't go out like we used to but when we do it is difficult in so many ways. If I can get it into my head that his condition will not improve and to stop dreaming ........................

Happy New Year to everyone and I wish you all everything you wish for yourselves for 2011.

Thursday, 30 December 2010

Wedding invitation

Elaine and Jim are getting married in April. I am going over Sunday to get the details.
Elaine wants to do white water rafting for her "hen do". I will watch from the sidelines as I don't do water. That surprises me really as I have usually been up for anything.

So I have a couple more challenges this next year. Mainly to lose a considerable amount of weight. I have resembled a Hobbit for too long. I would really like to wear a glamorous outfit for her day and make her proud. She always flatters me. I would like Phil to be a bit trimmer too so maybe our diet plan can be shared (without him being too aware).

The other challenge is to go back to being up for anything. I am not saying I will go white water rafting but I will certainly consider it.

Over the holiday I have gone into couch potato mode. I have been busy doing brain stuff but have hardly moved from the one spot. More exercise has to be incorporated into my days. I don't like exercising but they tell me once you start you can grow to love it. I will reserve judgement.

So these are not resolutions - more like a plan. I know I will have to work hard at all of it as I have little will power. Two gigantic boxes are now empty where chocolates once sat!!!!

Lots of soup and vegetables, one pot veggie dishes, fruits and yoghurts. Who needs sticky toffee puddings ?? ..............................................

Wednesday, 29 December 2010

New life to consider

Last night my 20yr old grandson Anthony and his fiance Mandy had a little boy Jason Lee. Both are well and hopefully coming home today.

It is hard to get my head around sometimes that I have three great grandchildren.
What I do know is that I do not spend nearly enough time with them. When we are all together as on Christmas Day I realise how blessed I am that they all still choose to live locally. All within shouting distance.

I worry about so much "stuff" that is irrelevant and unimportant. I have what most people would give anything for; a loving close and supportive family. All their partners are wonderful too which is such a joy to see them all settled and happy.

Priorities will be my word for 2011. I have to figure out what is worth worrying about and what is not. I have had a good Christmas; Phil has been good although I can tell he has had to try really hard. At least he was willing to......
Now if I can just relax my expectations a little life may be less stressful.

I have a very full year ahead and I have to make sure that I don't shut anyone out whilst I am having fun. I was blessed with all these children so that I could enjoy them and love them every day of their lives just as I know they love me..........

Monday, 27 December 2010

Tough love

This is the calmest Christmas ever. Phil behaved himself throughout..........That's a first. He was in good form at Garys too.

Maybe my tough love worked. I was upset with him following the wedding and normally I would have given in after a few days and gone back to "normal". This time I didn't.

He has enjoyed Christmas with the kids and actually had fun himself.
Is this a breakthrough? - well puppy dog syndrome is looming but I will know for sure after New Years eve.

All I can say is that I have had a very nice Christmas.

If this man would only realise how much everyone loves him when he is NOT drinking...........................................

Sunday, 26 December 2010

Looking good............

Yesterday was a lovely day. Opening presents with the whole family. I can't believe how my daughter manages to calmly cook breakfast for so many. She is a star.

Home for a relax and we watched the Grinch. Never seen it before - then evening meal as normal.

Phil did have two bottles of wine but was well behaved and I could even say pleasant.

So episode two today is going to Garys for lunch with Phil and Angela.

I am going to relax and enjoy. I may get through this Christmas unscathed. Oh I hope so.................................

Saturday, 25 December 2010

Senseless behaviour

Why I am entering Christmas just waiting for something to go wrong? It is senseless but historically I can't remember a Christmas when it was ok.

But for my kids sake today I am going to try my best to just concentrate on me and them and not watch every move that Phil makes. It is going to be hard to change the habit of a marriage-time.

Expect little and I won't be disappointed. Watch this space...............

Friday, 24 December 2010

All works out in the end

Whilst everyone has been dashing about like maniacs I have been sitting waiting for the right time.
This weather makes me lazy anyway so as long as the shops still have bread and milk (and dog meat) today all will be well.
I need to deliver some gifts but can do that Boxing Day on the way out to Gary's.

So panic was not needed.

Looking forward to tomorrow and Sunday spending time with my kids. We have a new baby boy due any minute and that would just totally make Christmas.
I am going to relax for the two days before I jump into work mode next week.

Dissertation to finish by end of the month; funding bids to produce by end of the month; timetable to devise to incorporate new additional job until March.

And 2011 is going to be just fabulous with so many "fun" times to look forward to - all planned and booked. I even have Jury duty in February to add to the mix!!!

I am blessed.............................

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Never in my lifetime!!

Trapped in my home because of weather. I have never had this happen before. When I was small all the Mums and Dads used to get their shovels out and bags of salt and we could always get out.
I have never missed a day off work ( or school) until now.
Cards undelivered; presents not recieved from mail order companies; visitors probably not going to be able to get here.
The worst part is that the gas man cannot get here . We don't put the heating on all the time but right now I would like to have it cosy and warm. It may not last if we use it too freely. Now I can manage without presents and I can manage without luxuries but I just hate being cold.
Living on a hill has its benefits when the rain comes but not when the ice comes.
My dream of retiring to Spain looks so tempting now so please can I be one of the 25 millionaires on Friday. Pretty please ........................

Monday, 20 December 2010

Another day at home??

I can't believe I still can't get out to work!
I am now iced in!
If I could get the car to the main road I think I may stand a slim chance but I can't get down the hill.
They say we are going to have more snow today? Up to -18 degrees in Mid Wales and we are usually just a bit higher than that.

The A55 is treacherous and the road I travel is one of the worst on a normal day!!

The local shop is running out of food so we will be living on porridge before long
( made with water too).

On a positive note......sorry I don't have a positive today. I want to get to work because if I can't then I will have to go in on what I had hoped would be time off over the holidays.

The best laid plans....................

Friday, 17 December 2010

Enforced day off

The snow is thick on the ground; the cars are covered and I live on a hill!!

So looks like an unexpected day off for me. I went back to bed but can't sleep so up having breakfast then will have to contact people who expect me at meetings.

I am going to take the day to relax and catch my breath before the Christmas break. I will also check that I have everyone's gifts.

Note to self: Please go back to having Christmas sorted by September............

Thursday, 16 December 2010

Love story with a twist...........

I like that.
Makes it sound as if here is still hope.................
thanks She love ya xxx

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Bubble in place

Complete U turn last night and himself is just happy when we are together ( with his dog!! )
So back to were we were.
More a psychological thriller than a love story......................

Tuesday, 14 December 2010


I drove home tonight expecting a continuation of last nights rant by himself.

Not a word........ no mention or reference to it.

If I had known I would not have worried about it today.

Bubble is safe and holding..................

What a melting pot!!

My life's journey is so strange just now. For every up there is a down and every time I have cause to smile then someone goes and spoils it. So what to do?

Work is the up. I got a phone call last night to say that I will be rewarded financially for the extra work I will be putting in until at least the end of March. Not a considerable amount but at least I got it without any effort. As everyone who knows me will remember I would do my job for free if I could afford to.

Home is the down. I just have not been able to forgive Phil for spoiling my memories of the wedding. I made the decision that day to build a bubble around myself as far as he is concerned so that I can't be hurt again. He has now decided that HE can't put up with life as it is and we have to do something about it.

So can I keep the bubble in place or will he break through it and force changes.
He has always been the winner but this feels different. The sad part is that all this has nothing to do with him having had a brain injury. This once again is about alcohol.

I have been here before and wondered what comes next so I guess I just watch and wait and cling on to my bubble...........................

Saturday, 11 December 2010

Good start to the weekend

This last month has been somewhat stressful and challenging. There are so many changes that I have to take on board.

Each weekend for the last 8 years I have been up early (sometimes really early) and filled the weekend to the brim.

This weekend I actually managed to stay in bed until 8.30. Just having done that makes me feel so good. My brain is still working overtime but in a positive way.

So I want to continue in this way being able to take time out from Cruse and do stuff for me.
Today I am meeting Sam for lunch. We natter for a couple of hours or so and then do a little retail therapy in the craft shop.

Tomorrow I will catch up with Julie who I haven't seen for two weeks. My daughter is so like her mother and works far too hard.

I have a strange (unfamiliar) relaxed feeling today and I want it to continue.
I think I have been looking at the "change what you can and accept what you can't" mantra.
I would like to live by this every day but small steps are good so I will enjoy today.

For 43 years my personal mantra has been " quiet acceptance" and it has got me this far.

I need to get back there where it is safe...........................

Friday, 10 December 2010

It's been a long week

All the elements have been against me this week; weather; communication; health. All my plans have stumbled and I am really glad it is Friday.

Work needs an early spring clean. The office is getting more and more crowded as I try to get organised.

Home is getting more and more tense as I refuse to believe that Christmas will pass without incident.

Social life is going to be hectic and I don't really have the energies necessary.

Seriously thinking about next years diary. I always do at this time of year. I have taken on extra duties at work and unless I become super-organised then I will struggle.

Who would have thought that at 62 I would have a career that continues to excite and challenge me. That from the girl who was NEVER ambitious..................

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Oh this weather

It's not always the weather you see that causes the problems . Yesterday - driving to work the roads were lethal. Why can't all the drivers see the ice that I see? Why do they drive about 6 inches from my rear end?

If you see the snow you know that the roads are likely to be bad and you slow down.

This morning it is raining hard and if it freezes then the roads will be bad again.
My problem is that once I have decided to brave the journey it is 17 miles of bendy roads and hoping for the best.

I have seen several incidents this last week and I really do not want to be one of them.

So I am still deciding whether to go. I will wait until the daylight arrives and then make my mind up. Even the weather forecast is too brief to be a guide.

Watch this space...................

Sunday, 5 December 2010

Oh boy I am stuffed

Rhiwafallen for lunch with Phil She and Ralph. I have a veggie roast dinner which is perfect. I always arrive home absolutely stuffed. No different today.

Phil drove for a change and I am glad he did or I would have been car-skating again. The roads are worse than they look.

She and Ralph were a joy to be with as always and my Christmas gift this year just blew me away. I am so blessed............

Home now in my bargain PJ's and really just want to go to sleep.
Today was just a perfect day..............................................

Saturday, 4 December 2010

Bring on the weekend

This week has flown and not as much achieved as I would have liked.

There are so many changes daily weekly and I just have to ride with them and hope it all turms out.

Today I need to do some dissertation. Submission at the end of this month. Am I fooling myself thinking that it will be ready? Maybe - but I am still quietly confident.

Tomorrow is fun day with She and Ralph and Phil.

But today I need a plan.
Hair at 8.30am then home and sort necessary paperwork by 10 am.

Then I will do Phil's case study for my dissertation. That will be hard going through all his letters from specialists and seeing what they thought our future would be. We had no idea - no idea..............................

I was reminded last night of one of the "conditions" of Phil's current state. He has no comprehension of what is a secret or a confidence. Can you imagine how much trouble that could get me into. We all voice things that don't expect to be passed on don't we?? He is almost childlike in his ability to pass things on.

I have to be honest yet sensitive in his case study. He has to read it and be happy with it. Wish me luck ...............................

Thursday, 2 December 2010

Enveloped with tiredness

Physically exhausted; emotionally drained ; feel like 100 years old.
It's all down to the weather.

I have missed out on a holiday this year and was not able to store up any UV rays to see me through these cold dark mornings and evenings.

I said it last year and every year before- I really would like to hibernate in winter. I don't feel productive, attractive, responsive, just sloth-like bundled up and uncomfortable.

On the positive side this week--- well have to think hard here--- Sunday will be great but so far this week has been pretty rubbish. Didn't get to do some of the things I wanted to because of the weather; haven't managed to get all my work done because of the volume....................well maybe next week will be better....

I am also missing my spa days which help me relax but I don't have time to fit them in.

Oh I can feel some New Years resolutions hovering.................................