I actually can't believe it is almost a year since my last post here. And even longer since I posted anything worth reading.
I can only apologise to anyone who was following me for "escaping" whilst my thoughts were unravelled and analysed and then sensible enough to risk returning.
As I begin to post now I am not even sure if I have achieved the above but here goes.
Life has continued to be hard. I still try to fill as much time as I can with things that make me happy but I still have to return the caring environment at the end of each break.
My friends and family continue to keep me as sane as I deserve to be.
Phil is no better and because he is getting older I actually don't know what parts of his worsening behaviour are just age related or what is his condition deteriorating.
I have a very good relationship with all the people at the Brain Unit so I mentioned that I felt I was losing Phil again, that he was drifting so far away that I thought our relationship may crumble. His neuropsychologist has just been such an amazing support and now sees Phil every month to try and coax him back into making an effort.
I really do not know if I would have had the patience on my own.
Another part of my life is work. I have been praying for something to happen to let me retire (but not in a bad way) but apart from a lottery win I can't see it happening. I am tired, weary, overwhelmed and worst of all out of my depth with some of the additional tasks that are now expected of me.
As I have so often said I love my job. I believe what I do is important and I get such satisfaction when I know we have made a difference to our clients.
Now however we are having to fight for funds and I am the one doing the fighting. I am a lover not a fighter and I do feel that I don't get the support I need from my management.
The bright light I have is my social life. I still feel guilty at leaving Phil but maybe not as much as I used to.
I just tell him that I need respite the same as any carer. He makes it hard sometimes but I just have to grit my teeth and do it for "me".
I have starting going on holiday with Julie and gang. Gran Canaria, Salou and now hopefully Lanzarote in December. I really struggled being away the first time. I think I always will struggle but I know that I feel better by the time I get home and I know that the break does me good. I miss Phil but in a "motherly" way so am better able to put him in someone else's care (Gary) for a short while.
My crafting life continues and She and I meet as often as we can organise. New York is our goal for next year. She is also my own personal analyst and sometimes life coach. Be lost without her.
Julie is my events coordinator and the best daughter I could wish for. We have our niggle moments but not often. She has already organised Ronan Keating and Pink for next year and Ste is the one who sorts the Spanish hols and just tells me where and when (and how much!!).
I hope that has brought me just a little up to date. I haven't mentioned the dreaded dissertation (still ongoing) and Headway court case (still outstanding after two postponements). I haven't mentioned Phil going to Ireland for a week without me! I will save the sordid details on those for later.
I hope my followers will come back. I hope my life will slow down. Julie always says be careful what you wish for so that last statement I will qualify by saying I hope my life will slow down to suit me.
I will be back...................................xx