Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Not a perfect solution

Phil has been off his tranquillisers for a month now. He is still on full dose anti-depressants. He has also stopped taking his statins after hearing of some negative effects.
The results are not as I had hoped. I am sure he feels better and more alert but his aggression has returned and the wine has a quicker effect. So although my dream is to have Phil back again I think I really need to be honest (yet again) and say I really only want the good bits back.....................

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

More changes

My job is brilliant. I help to get support for bereaved people. That is a simplistic description and it is a very intense and difficult job . I love it though. However there are more changes on the horizon and more personnel to get used to. As soon as you settle into a familiar pattern then something changes.

I have a great deal of responsibility with very little authority. I am hoping that my new "boss" will change that. It is frustrating to manage 130 volunteers whilst checking your actions at every turn.

It would also be nice for my salary to reflect the responsibilty.

The problem is that I would do the job for free because I love it so much. I am one of those people who enjoys work. I have only ever had one job in my lifetime that I did not enjoy and that was more to do with the people I was working with.

So I will just carry on getting the buzz and one day maybe I will get rewarded but until then...................

Wednesday, 16 June 2010


My baby girl is 40 years old tomorrow.

So this time 40 years ago I was in hospital 9 days late for the birth of my first child. Phil was abroad in the RAF and I was more than a little scared. I was 21 yrs old.
Julie eventually arrived; she was intended to be Sara Jane but then there were so many Saras being born just then so Joanne Clare was an alternative and again the baby before mine was Clare so I remembered friends who had a girl and a boy called Julie and Gary
So when Phil got the telegram to say Julie Anne had arrived he was more than a little bemused!!
Way back then you stayed in hospital much longer following the birth -- 10 days in my case -- and learned how to cope a little bit before they sent you home. I was actually staying with my Mum and Dad whilst Phil was overseas so I had plenty of help (and advice which a new Mum does not always take to.)

All I wanted to do was just sit and stare at this amazingly beautiful creation.
Phil arrived home when Julie was 7 days old and when he came to visit it was love at first sight.
Now I would need to write a very long book to encompass the 40 years since. Those of you who know me will agree that it would consist of many many chapters.
The result is however a daughter who is my wonderful friend and who I adore.

I took her to London for her birthday treat but now I think I should have made a scrapbook or something as apart from a card I have nothing to give her tomorrow.

I could burst with pride when I am with her and am so glad that we have stayed close. Some people are not so fortunate. She lives about 150 yards away and although we can go days without seeing each other due to busy jobs we love to catch up and can talk all the hind legs off all the donkeys in all the fields.

We are meeting up on Friday for a pamper session.

In just over 3 years I will be writing a post about Gary my lovely son who is 37 in October. As different as chalk and cheese but just as loved and adored.

I have been up since 4am. The shows I recorded yesterday on SKY + failed again so I am not a happy bunny about that.

I have a lot on my mind just now and am just about managing to keep everything in separate boxes. It's just as well 40 years ago I did not know what the future would hold...................

Monday, 14 June 2010

Change of fortune

Well I didn't have a tantrum yesterday; the mood changed and I had a lovely day. I helped out at an "Open Gardens Event" with the Womens Institute. I was in my element selling teas and cakes - took me back to a previous life as a shop-keeper - some of the best times of my life.
Good company and plenty of laughter so the day ended well.
There is another event next Sunday and I am tempted to offer my services again.

It is strange that my job now is such an isolated one and yet I just love being with people. I hope no-one can ever tell I lack confidence!!

Another busy week ahead but par for the course. My energies are up today. I have achieved a lot in the office but still have a mountain to climb. I do have some more fun times Friday Saturday and Sunday to look forward to though.

Phil is content watching football every night and I am happy reading my book just now; Time of my Life by Patrick Swayze and Lisa Niemi; a wonderful love story.....................

Sunday, 13 June 2010

Running on empty

My energy levels are flatlined. I have been running on empty for a couple of weeks now. I am aching all over and yet still doing what I always do; saying yes.
I hope to get an appointment soon regarding my thyroid; need to know what is the plan as I have a busy year and have to work things around it.

I am a routine person; I like my way of organising my day and get anxious when it does not go the right way.
Small things wind me up. Every morning whether I am up at 4.30 like yesterday morning or 7.30 this morning I make my breakfast take my barley grass and sit down in front of the tv to catch up with what I have recorded.
We have Sky HD +. Every now and again it does not work and has to be tweeked to get it going again. The problem is that to tweek it the whole box needs to be removed from the hole in the wall where it fits, turned off ( the plug is a good lean backwards) and then turned back on again.
I cannot physically do this . I cannot bend my knees; if I sit down to reach back then I cannot get back up.
So no tv!! My routine is already off kilter!! So I get my laptop out and now the battery is running low..
Wonder what the rest of the day will bring?? Hope I don't have a tantrum..........

Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Negative forces

I had such a lovely day on Sunday but the week has started out very differently.
There are so many issues both at work and at home I can't believe they are all happening at once. Is this a test?

I know I will get through it but it is going to take all my energy to do so.
I will arrive at Sunday with huge relief.

Today I have a huge task which will not be pleasant. My job entails unpleasant tasks with occasional confrontation but I never get used to that.

Home is challenging too with more changes happening to Phil without his tranquillisers. It was a risk I had to take but it is stressful.

So not very much sunshine here just now and my stomach is acting up again and the medication is just not touching it so Gaviscon is the order of the day I think.

I will be back to reflect......................................

Friday, 4 June 2010

Waiting for an appointment

Still no appointment to see the consultant about these cysts etc. If I don't hear by Monday I will see if I can chase it up. I am so tired and London was wonderful but took the last remnants of energy in my body!! I still ache; I just want to sleep; and yet was up at 5am.

Saturday should be a day of rest but I HAVE to catch up with my dissertation if I am to stand any chance of meeting deadlines.

Sunday will be a lovely day with friends eating wonderful food at Rhiwafallen. Phil will have to get up early but it will be a nice change for him especially having Ralph to chat to.
His "friends" seem to have disappeared and I wonder if they realise I need them as much as Phil does. They all seem to be concerned about his welfare if we meet in the village but thats as far as it goes. He has gone from being the life and soul to being Philly no mates. How sad. I hope that never happens to me; can never imagine it with my wonderful friends.

And then next week starts the madness which is Cruse again.

So off to work now to sort my desk and uncover any important stuff lurking at the bottom. Three days off certainly takes its toll in catching up...............

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Aching all over

Oh how we walked and walked and walked in London.
I ache all over but it was worth it. Dirty Dancing was wonderful but emotional; I am a big fan of Patrick Swayze and he will always be special; luckily Julie feels the same. We talked walked ate shopped just a little (not our normal frantic "have to have it" mode). Of course most of my shopping was notebooks. How many does a girl need? I am sure there is no ceiling on it??
It poured yesterday and we got soaked but ended up in Convent Garden having the most delicious soup and rustic bread. Why don't I eat more soup at home - I say this so often. I love soup - it is comfort food. Not chicken soup which they say is good for the soul though - I am a veggie so tomato or cauliflower or broccoli soups do it for me with lentils wherever they fit.
Our train broke down on the way home and we were delayed about an hour. At one stage we thought that Penny Puma would be trapped overnight in the park and ride but we managed to get them to ring ahead and make arrangements to collect her.

So today I ache all over - it was good thinking to book today off as well. Can't imagine running up those stairs at work. I had my hair done at 9am to get rid of the London grime and intend to relax for the rest of the day. We tried to get the balloon flight for this afternoon but it is full. No surprise.
The rest of June at work looks like being quite intense so I have to make the best of it.

Phil was pleased to see me home last night but it is short lived and today we are back to normal. He was up early to go to the dentist so it will be a long day for him.

I am off to W I tonight and will call at Gary and Kelly's on the way. It was Kelly's birthday yesterday and she asked us to get her a bag at Primark whilst we were in London. We did not realise that Primark is at the furthest end of Oxford St and that Primark is the busiest shop in the world and that the queue would be 60 people long!! But she is worth it; she will be a lovely daughter in law if they can ever afford to marry.

So Phil has just taken Missy for a walk. I will catch up with my finances and assess the damage I have just done in London. Pay the phone bill car tax etc etc

Oh back to normal I guess......................