Thursday, 31 December 2009

Out of hibernation

It's New Years Eve- where have I been?
Hiding from the world I think.
But it worked; I have sorted my mind out.
2009 has not been a good year for me. I have needed my Mum so many times!!
I have had to fight all year to get some attention paid to Phil's worsening condition. 30th September we finally had a decision to have a new MRI scan.


I was exhausted by then and have been ever since. He had the scan on 19th December and now we have to wait for the results. Why do we always have to fight for care?? Why do we have to fight to be heard??
Whatever the results are some action will be taken. We can move forward in some way.
So now I have to get myself back to some sort of sanity. I have been very lazy since I finished work for the holidays; lots of sitting watching craft or food programmes on TV. I am not so tired now; the rest has done me good.

The biggest step I took was to come off the Prozac and go back on HRT. I feel so much better physically but also emotionally having made the decision. They work for many people but I did not like myself at all. I had butterflies constantly; felt anxious constantly; was fatigued constantly.
Today I feel more like me. I am calmer and my mind is clearer. 2010 has to see me getting back to where I was in 2008. That was a good place to be and I was almost content with my life. I had some guilt but was sensible enough to know that if I was happy then I could cope with Phil better. I filled my time with a variety of things I enjoyed with people who I love.
2009 saw me considering Phil much more than before. It also made me more aware that this Phil is so different and his needs are different whilst mine are still the same as before. But still I tried to please him by spending more time with him.
And that is why I was dragged down to a scary place. Depression is contageous.

I am not making New Year resolutions; I am just determined to find the balance again. I need to be as happy as I can for the rest of my life. Phil no longer has the ability to contribute to this like before so it is all up to me.
I have to ignore the inner voice that calls me selfish when I leave him to go out for the day or even the weekend. I have to enjoy my life to the best of my ability or live with resentment and regrets. I know which I have chosen now.
I have so much support and am grateful to everyone who has put up with me this year whilst I have been a PAIN.
I am back - better stronger braver calmer; I will still fight for his care but I will also fight for mine..........................................

Saturday, 12 December 2009

Time flies by

So I have just sat on the couch every night this week (apart from Monday) and done absolutely nothing. No blogs ; facebook only from my blackberry ; got 44 emails to read. AND I haven't lost an ounce and yet I have hardly eaten this week??? In fact I have put 2lb on. Is that the medication? Sods law just when I was getting back on track.
Medication not kicked in yet; still got butterflies and nausea. Just seem to want everything to go on around me without having to make any effort. Wonder if this is how Phil has felt for the last seven years. I am sure it is. I hate it.
Going to try and do my cards today but if I don't well I will be late with them again.
Was hoping to go away next weekend but Phil's MRI has come through for Saturday. I need to go with him; it's my life as well. Was going to go to She's for the day on Sunday instead but Phil says it is too much in one day so watch this space!!
Where is that independent strong lady of the last few years?? Worn down by fears for the future?? I guess so.
Now I realise why I am not blogging every day; its just too hard to see in black and white every single day.
Tomorrow I will wake up and want to be here?? Here's hoping ................

Sunday, 6 December 2009


Keep forgetting this moodmeter but to be honest today I am still ANXIOUS so getting a bit monotonous isn't it? .....................

11.56 he finally got up

I really don't know how anyone can sleep every day til nearly noon. What a waste. Did manage to get him to do a couple of tasks done though, not willingly but done anyway. Now I am going to have a relax myself. Busy week ahead again so because this Tigger has lost her bounce I will struggle. The weeks are going so quickly though and I am coping even with the struggle.
I spent three hours yesterday watching great grandaughter Chloe at her first horse show. Was I proud? She did so well. She is just 6 and so happy on a horse.
I realised that what is missing from my life is laughter. The last time I had a laugh was at Tracys when I nearly fell in her door; before that it was Frodsham with She. I need to laugh and be silly and I am not doing it. I realise that some of the negativity in my life is my own fault but there is also some that is forced upon me by certain people. What to do? Tell them? Avoid them?
I need to laugh until I cry so looking forward to spending a weekend with She on 19th. Going to Chester Zoo so I can laugh at the monkies!!!!
Work is sorted there is not a problem although I thought there was; finances are as stable as I can expect for a shopaholic; home is not where the heart is at the moment; health is erratic but am expecting improvement. So I am doing my best to tick the boxes that I can. As for the ones I can't -I will just have to be patient and trust that things will improve.
But I can smile and think of Kyle Chloe and Brooke and know how blessed I really am.................................

Sleeping "beauty"

Well it is Sunday already and Phil is still in bed. Have been up since 7 and have showered, sorted finances, dusted all the "undusted for weeks" surfaces (breaking a little angel in the process - silly me- not sentimental bought it at Mount Etna ) and now going to scan some photographs . And still managed to watch Oprah and Fern Britton. And still he sleeps..................

Thursday, 3 December 2009

blog lazy

have just noticed my last post was Monday. Think that is a sign of how I feel. My morning posts are heavier than evening ones so assessing my mood through the day is not easy. Todays moodmeter at 7am is ANXIOUS.....................


I used to think I was superwoman. Now I am more like supergran!
Not coping with much just now and its all closing in. Someone put the light out at the end of the tunnel and I was relying on that.
Work is not as great as it was; finances seem to have imploded; health and energy level is crap; Phil is still surprising me with more problems.
So thats the way it is. What to do? As usual head down and get on with it. Can deal with work; finances will sort themselves out by next week; am trying to get help with health and energy so that just leaves Phil. That is ongoing.....................