Out of hibernation

It's New Years Eve- where have I been?
Hiding from the world I think.
But it worked; I have sorted my mind out.
2009 has not been a good year for me. I have needed my Mum so many times!!
I have had to fight all year to get some attention paid to Phil's worsening condition. 30th September we finally had a decision to have a new MRI scan.

PROGRESS!!

I was exhausted by then and have been ever since. He had the scan on 19th December and now we have to wait for the results. Why do we always have to fight for care?? Why do we have to fight to be heard??
Whatever the results are some action will be taken. We can move forward in some way.
So now I have to get myself back to some sort of sanity. I have been very lazy since I finished work for the holidays; lots of sitting watching craft or food programmes on TV. I am not so tired now; the rest has done me good.

The biggest step I took was to come off the Prozac and go back on HRT. I feel so much better physically but also emotionally having made the decision. They work for many people but I did not like myself at all. I had butterflies constantly; felt anxious constantly; was fatigued constantly.
Today I feel more like me. I am calmer and my mind is clearer. 2010 has to see me getting back to where I was in 2008. That was a good place to be and I was almost content with my life. I had some guilt but was sensible enough to know that if I was happy then I could cope with Phil better. I filled my time with a variety of things I enjoyed with people who I love.
2009 saw me considering Phil much more than before. It also made me more aware that this Phil is so different and his needs are different whilst mine are still the same as before. But still I tried to please him by spending more time with him.
And that is why I was dragged down to a scary place. Depression is contageous.

I am not making New Year resolutions; I am just determined to find the balance again. I need to be as happy as I can for the rest of my life. Phil no longer has the ability to contribute to this like before so it is all up to me.
I have to ignore the inner voice that calls me selfish when I leave him to go out for the day or even the weekend. I have to enjoy my life to the best of my ability or live with resentment and regrets. I know which I have chosen now.
I have so much support and am grateful to everyone who has put up with me this year whilst I have been a PAIN.
I am back - better stronger braver calmer; I will still fight for his care but I will also fight for mine..........................................