Beautiful boy

At last I have put a picture of Jason for all to see. He is a beautiful boy. His Mum and Dad are so besotted with him - long may it last.

I can't believe that my grandson who is 21 next month is now a father himself............
Quite scary but wonderful at the same time..............

A good day

I am so glad I went to the Carers group. It was a good day. Jenny and I met for lunch first and did our usual summary of how our lives are going - her husband has had a stroke which has affected his emotions.
We have so many things in common and yet we are so different.
We then went along to the group and for the first time I was able to talk about my situation without getting upset. Such progress. I then realised that I haven't cried about this part of my life since September. At the beginning of September I cried myself all out.
Acceptance has been a huge problem with me but I think I have finally reached it. My life is the way it is; either live it or change it. The second choice is not an option so I choose to live it to suit me in the best way possible. Thanks to my family and friends I am managing to do this.
So if only for reassurance yesterday was a good day...........................

Feeling the need

I haven't been to my carers support group since about July. I just haven't been able to take time off.

But I feel the need.

So tomorrow I am going to meet Jenny for lunch and then we will go to the group.
And my boss has approved my absence without me having to take a days leave.

I can't believe that we are in the 9th year since Phil's accident. How have we coped?

I always say it is "hard" because I can't find a better word to describe it.

Dealing with emotions can sometimes be worse than with physical difficulties because they are so subtle. You can usually see a physical disability but you can't see an emotional "problem".

But I am long past the stage where I forget that Phil has a problem. Every day it is apparent and some days there are new signs of the condition. It never ceases to amaze me how many effects there can be from an injury.

I have just heard from someone who has started to have seizures 20 years after her injury. Please God that does not happen to Phil but there is an increased chance as well as an increased chance of early dementia.

So our future is a little insecure to say the least. So I am going to the support group because I feel the need.............................

Recording thoughts

I need a new invention.

When I am lying in bed unable to sleep I have some brilliant thoughts.
(Some rubbish ones too).

I need to be able to press record and save all those thoughts until I get up and start the day. I try to remember them all (which prevents me from going back to sleep) but by the time I do start my day most of them have gone.

In my subconscious I am a genius. I just need a better memory bank.................

Out for lunch today with Angie and Julie to Rhiwafallen. Not really sure my skin can stretch any more but I will soon find out.

Now what am I going to wear? All my trousers are too tight and I hate dresses and skirts but................................

Friday...............

This week has been tough and although it has been a short week in terms of days in work it has seemed endless.
Priorities is my main word this year but when you have got at least a dozen urgent tasks on your desk how can you prioritise?

The fact that I am training 2 new volunteers whilst trying to learn a new additional role myself is proving to be a problem. No chance of concentrating on anything when the questions are coming thick and fast. I am very fond of my volunteers but I have to be honest and say I also love Fridays when I am in the office alone.

I know this will be for a short time only and they will settle into their particular projects so I am being patient and focussed. They are my priority just now and Fridays will be playing catch up.

Strange that I have never been ambitious and now here I am with such a massive area of responsibilty.

Would I have it any other way? Of course not I love it but every now and again it is good to voice your concerns.................

Careful planning

First day back at work yesterday and I had a vision of how the day would go; deadlines to reach; contacts to be made and appointments to be arranged.

My trusty sidekick Celia who works Tuesdays and Thursdays emailed me to say she is still unwell after the Christmas break and would not be in.
No deadlines reached; no contacts made and no appointments arranged. Just spent the whole day answering the phone and opening the mail.

Today there will be little chance of catching up and if Celia is not back in tomorrow then I am in trouble.

I took on an extra role at the end of the year for two days a week and felt confident that I would cope. The condition was that I would have Celia to do on Tuesdays and Thursdays what I would have done before.

So my careful planning relies totally on others and for someone who is always in control at work I struggle with that.

Whats the solution? Answers on a postcard please............................

Disappointed

Back to work today and to the busy schedule that is Cruse.

I am disappointed that I did not complete my dissertation but I could not have worked any harder at it. I am a perfectionist. I counted up more than 30,000 words and I need around 22,000.
So a couple more sessions should get me there. I have to edit and then construct in the right order and get the page numbers right. Looking at what I have achieved this book may be a bit thick if I include all the appendices.
My tutor will have the last word I am sure.

I can't even begin to think how many hours have gone into this piece of work. Hundreds for sure. So I have a bit more to do and I have to let the tutor know that I am not quite there.

So today I turn my attention to work and where to get monies from to continue offering our services. I am working with a very blank canvas because this is not what I am trained for. My colleague just walked out in October taking all her records with her. I have to start from scratch and build up a new network of funders.
Wish me luck........................

Reflection

Try as I might I cannot stop reflecting at this time of year. Not sure how productive it has ever been but it happens anyway.

I am back at work tomorrow and the relaxation period is over until... who knows...

I have been thinking about the people who helped me cope with 2010 and who I hope will still be around in 2011 to ease my load.

Julie my daughter works too hard just like me so we don't spend as much time together as we did but she is always looking out for me and checking that I am ok.

Sheilagh is my best friend in all the world and she is just....well I was once asked how I would like people to remember me after I have "gone" and I said I would like them to say " When I was with her I felt precious, safe and loved".....that just about describes how I feel when I am with "She" and in addition she makes me laugh. What more could you ask for from a best friend??

Elaine and Yvonne are my dearest friends and again because we are all so busy don't meet as often as we would like. I was at Elaine's last night and had the best couple of hours. She knew Phil before his accident and has gone through his changes with me and they adore each other. I am going to try and meet Yvonne this week when it will be just lovely to catch up.

My friendships are very special to me and I have made two new friends recently who have brought me fun and laughter. Sam and Celia have in their different ways made me laugh and cry in equal measures and I hope that our friendships will continue.

There are many others who have eased my 2010 path and if I made a list I could possibly omit someone important because there are many. So suffice it to say that without ANY of them I would have struggled. I hope that they realise this..........

SUCCESS

I have just done a pie chart and a column chart. Now after about 5 hours of trying I had almost given up. Then I broke the data into smaller chunks and hey presto it worked.

Are you glazing over yet? Well I would have been if they had not been so important to my submission. I was told very recently that the work is more about layout than content!!!
Why did I not know that when I worked for hours filling the pages with as much information as possible about the brain; brain injury; results etc etc.

So I could have done lots of fancy charts and pretty diagrams instead. We will see. I am almost complete. Tomorrow may be the day if I can have a clear run through.

I love pies as a rule but today I am really thrilled with this particular pie!!!!

A very big light at the end of a very long tunnel..........

Todays priority is my dissertation. I need to complete it by Monday ready for the first submission.
I can't believe that it has taken me so long. I had intended to complete it within a year of gaining my diploma. I had intended to graduate whilst I was still 60.

I just hadn't realised how hard it would be to put so much stuff into words. While I am doing the research I am enjoying it but motivating myself to complete each chapter has been so hard.

I am an organised person when it comes down to work life. I have deadlines which I rarely miss; multiple requests which I fulfil; and a ridiculously full diary which I manage.

At home it is a completely different me. I am swayed by the mood of the house. My energy levels dictate my input. I am so often overwhelmed with the amount of "stuff" that I have to consider about my life.

As a result this research has taken me three years. I know that once it is handed in as acceptable I will want to weep. At the same time I will be proud that at last I have achieved my ultimate goal.

I want to throw my cap in the air and tell my Mum and Dad that their faith in my ability was not misplaced. They always thought I was a genius; a very hard title to live up to. I just wish they could be at my graduation .....................