The last post

Blow the trumpets I am closing this blog. I really thought that I could come back and share my life again but I am finding that it is just too hard. I am dealing with too much and seeing it in black and white is not helping.

• Work is stressful
• Home is stressful
• Health is worrying
• My mind is not in a good place

I am still just about managing to show a "normal" face most days but even that is getting harder and "being nice" is taking some effort.
I have become a grumpy old b***h according to the mirror and also according to himself who I keep snapping at (with just cause in my opinion but I don't even trust my opinions right now)!!

So best to sign off here and  put my efforts into just being able to cope.......................
Thanks for those who have been there for me xxx

Pains in my arms?

Old age must be heading towards me with a vengience. I am starting to ache in places I never did before. The latest discomfort is my arms. I am either lying wrong in bed or ...........?
Last week I had what I can only describe as toothache in my left arm. I just wanted to keep it lifted up and if I hadn't been working I would have put it in a sling.
That eased off and today I have a similar feeling but worse in my right arm. It is painful typing this now. My muscle feels af if I have had severe cramp and as if it is brused. The pain actually goes right up into the back of my head and down to my fingertips.

I hate all this stuff as I have far too much to do to.

Today is the dreaded meeting with my new tutor. She is the one who marked my (deemed acceptable by previous tutor) work and brutalised it. GCSE level she said. It took me a while to decide to continue and I am still not sure I can take the pressure but lets see how she is with me today......................x

Then hopefully a crafty weekend with my bezzy if she is well enough. It seems as if there are bugs flying all over the country. Workshops takeaway and DVD are on the agenda for the weekend so hopefully......or if not it will be sitting on this couch knowing I am not allowed to file my nails....that's a new rule!!!

Good cholesterol bad cholesterol.......

Results of recent blood tests show my cholesterol as 6.3. Now some consider this high but my GP considers it average. My own sense tells me that if the ideal reading is 5 then 6.3 is obviously not ideal.
Julie and Phil both have high cholesterol but because my mother in law died of arterial schlerosis they are considered high risk. Perhaps I should suggest that Gary gets checked too?

So now I should look at our diet.......... Phil loves his chips and his fish and chicken so I just need to get the batter-free versions and change to jacket potatoes for him and hopefully that will help. I am a veggie so need to investigate further on what will be best for me.

As for my tiredness and "funny turns" I have been referred for a second opinion. I did have to push for it though. So many times I have "put up" with symptoms but this time I am concerned.  As we all know that can take months so I will just try and forget about it for now. I am quite snappy at the moment so if I can just control that until I find out why!!

I am actually doing a countdown right now for going away in December. I finish work on 7th December and don't go back until the New Year. Heaven knows who is going to do my work when I am off- I think maybe I am responsible for sorting that out!!!

It's dark this morning and I know we are heading for the clock changes. I hate that. I hate the dark mornings and I hate the dark evenings. I am definitely a sun lover; I hate wearing big coats. I always imagined that I would spend a lot of my later years abroad. My vision (plan) was to retire at 55 and then spend all the winter months in Spain. At one time I really wanted to go and live in Santa Ponsa in Majorca. I even had a job sorted.

But then things changed..........................................

A year later...............

I actually can't believe it is almost a year since my last post here. And even longer since I posted anything worth reading.
I can only apologise to anyone who was following me for "escaping" whilst my thoughts were unravelled and analysed and then sensible enough to risk returning.

As I begin to post now I am not even sure if I have achieved the above but here goes.

Life has continued to be hard. I still try to fill as much time as I can with things that make me happy but I still have to return the caring environment at the end of each break.
My friends and family continue to keep me as sane as I deserve to be.

Phil is no better and because he is getting older I actually don't know what parts of his worsening behaviour are just age related or what is his condition deteriorating.

I have a very good relationship with all the people at the Brain Unit so I mentioned that I felt I was losing Phil again, that he was drifting so far away that I thought our relationship may crumble. His neuropsychologist has just been such an amazing support and now sees Phil every month to try and coax him back into making an effort.
I really do not know if I would have had the patience on my own.

Another part of my life is work. I have been praying for something to happen to let me retire (but not in a bad way) but apart from a lottery win I can't see it happening. I am tired, weary, overwhelmed and worst of all out of my depth with some of the additional tasks that are now expected of me.

As I have so often said I love my job. I believe what I do is important and I get such satisfaction when I know we have made a difference to our clients.
Now however we are having to fight for funds and I am the one doing the fighting.  I am a lover not a fighter and I do feel that I don't get the support I need from my management.

The bright light I have is  my social life. I still feel guilty at leaving Phil but maybe not as much as I used to.
I just tell him that I need respite the same as any carer. He makes it hard sometimes but I just have to grit my teeth and do it for "me".

I have starting going on holiday with Julie and gang. Gran Canaria, Salou and now hopefully Lanzarote in December. I really struggled being away the first time. I think I always will struggle but I know that I feel better by the time I get home and I know that the break does me good. I miss Phil but in a "motherly" way so am better able to put him in someone else's care (Gary) for a short while.

My crafting life continues and She and I meet as often as we can organise. New York is our goal for next year. She is also my own personal analyst and sometimes life coach. Be lost without her.

Julie is my events coordinator and the best daughter I could wish for. We have our niggle moments but not often. She has already organised Ronan Keating and Pink for next year and Ste is the one who sorts the Spanish hols and just tells me where and when (and how much!!).

I hope that has brought me just a little up to date. I haven't mentioned the dreaded dissertation (still ongoing) and Headway court case (still outstanding after two postponements). I haven't mentioned Phil going to Ireland for a week without me! I will save the sordid details on those for later. 

I hope my followers will come back. I hope my life will slow down. Julie always says be careful what you wish for so that last statement I will qualify by saying I hope my life will slow down to suit me.

I will be back...................................xx

Watch this space.................

I might just be on my way back. Changes have happened since I was last here that I need to share.
As the song goes "Don't give up on me................"

Apologies

Well it seems to be taking a little longer than expected. Maybe the spring time will boost me. I am fine but finding things an effort so until I am bouncy again I will say please be patient ...........................

Facing challenges

I will be back when I have sorted my life out..........................................don't all hold your breath.

Back to my comfort zone

Thanks for your comments ladies. Yes strange how many emotions can be experienced in a short space of time.
Yesterday I was back to work allbeit only for three days but it certainly is where I function well.
Always playing catch up but I don't miss too many deadlines. Would like to be able to delegate more but heh can't have everything.

I have been advised to get some liquid support- no not alcohol but tonic. Anyone got any recommendations?
Metatone and Seven Seas are two that have been mentioned. I once tried pro plus but had to be scraped off the ceiling so don't like them one bit!! And I have heard some strange stories about Red Bull !!!

I am starting with a lovely cold today so I hope it doesn't develop for the wedding on Saturday. Don't want to drown out the vows with my sniffing. Although I am sure I will shed a tear. I have been with Elaine and Jim from day one of their relationship and I couldn't be happier with the final outcome.

Dreams do come true as my friends frequently prove...............................

Time out- not always useful............

Having time off work leads to plenty of time to think. Sometimes good sometimes not.

Such a variety of happenings since I was last at work  just over a week ago:

• White water rafting
• Pamper days
• Girly days with Julie
• Deep sadness at the loss of a friend
• Trouble sleeping
• Taking time to consider my future
• Supporting a friend whose sister may not survive
• Criticism about my treatment of Phil?

All this whilst trying to fill the hours with "normal" things.

So it started on a high and slowly I began to sink.  Events just took me there.
I have to lift myself again and back to work tomorrow. I know I will be fine. But I do have to think more about what lifts me up and what drags me down.

Certainly the criticism from a friend of Phil's has affected me more than I want to admit. I was angry at first but now I just think he is one of so many who have no concept of what my life is like. And I feel sorry for him .........

Next week will be a mixture too:

Three days back at work then:

Manicure and pedicure ready for Saturday
Elaine and Jims wedding
Scrapping with Sam
Liverpool with Carol Ann and Sara
Joyces funeral at the same place where my Mums was

Then back to the usual routine which if I am honest is probably better for me.

Plenty of time to think is not always a good thing......................................................

Bye Joyce love you .........

Our close friend Joyce lost her battle with leukaemia yesterday. I can't get my head around it. We would sit until the early hours listening to Beatles music and trying to fix the world. Love you Joyce and yes we WILL celebrate your life xxxxx