The last post

Blow the trumpets I am closing this blog. I really thought that I could come back and share my life again but I am finding that it is just too hard. I am dealing with too much and seeing it in black and white is not helping.

• Work is stressful
• Home is stressful
• Health is worrying
• My mind is not in a good place

I am still just about managing to show a "normal" face most days but even that is getting harder and "being nice" is taking some effort.
I have become a grumpy old b***h according to the mirror and also according to himself who I keep snapping at (with just cause in my opinion but I don't even trust my opinions right now)!!

So best to sign off here and  put my efforts into just being able to cope.......................
Thanks for those who have been there for me xxx

Pains in my arms?

Old age must be heading towards me with a vengience. I am starting to ache in places I never did before. The latest discomfort is my arms. I am either lying wrong in bed or ...........?
Last week I had what I can only describe as toothache in my left arm. I just wanted to keep it lifted up and if I hadn't been working I would have put it in a sling.
That eased off and today I have a similar feeling but worse in my right arm. It is painful typing this now. My muscle feels af if I have had severe cramp and as if it is brused. The pain actually goes right up into the back of my head and down to my fingertips.

I hate all this stuff as I have far too much to do to.

Today is the dreaded meeting with my new tutor. She is the one who marked my (deemed acceptable by previous tutor) work and brutalised it. GCSE level she said. It took me a while to decide to continue and I am still not sure I can take the pressure but lets see how she is with me today......................x

Then hopefully a crafty weekend with my bezzy if she is well enough. It seems as if there are bugs flying all over the country. Workshops takeaway and DVD are on the agenda for the weekend so hopefully......or if not it will be sitting on this couch knowing I am not allowed to file my nails....that's a new rule!!!

Good cholesterol bad cholesterol.......

Results of recent blood tests show my cholesterol as 6.3. Now some consider this high but my GP considers it average. My own sense tells me that if the ideal reading is 5 then 6.3 is obviously not ideal.
Julie and Phil both have high cholesterol but because my mother in law died of arterial schlerosis they are considered high risk. Perhaps I should suggest that Gary gets checked too?

So now I should look at our diet.......... Phil loves his chips and his fish and chicken so I just need to get the batter-free versions and change to jacket potatoes for him and hopefully that will help. I am a veggie so need to investigate further on what will be best for me.

As for my tiredness and "funny turns" I have been referred for a second opinion. I did have to push for it though. So many times I have "put up" with symptoms but this time I am concerned.  As we all know that can take months so I will just try and forget about it for now. I am quite snappy at the moment so if I can just control that until I find out why!!

I am actually doing a countdown right now for going away in December. I finish work on 7th December and don't go back until the New Year. Heaven knows who is going to do my work when I am off- I think maybe I am responsible for sorting that out!!!

It's dark this morning and I know we are heading for the clock changes. I hate that. I hate the dark mornings and I hate the dark evenings. I am definitely a sun lover; I hate wearing big coats. I always imagined that I would spend a lot of my later years abroad. My vision (plan) was to retire at 55 and then spend all the winter months in Spain. At one time I really wanted to go and live in Santa Ponsa in Majorca. I even had a job sorted.

But then things changed..........................................

A year later...............

I actually can't believe it is almost a year since my last post here. And even longer since I posted anything worth reading.
I can only apologise to anyone who was following me for "escaping" whilst my thoughts were unravelled and analysed and then sensible enough to risk returning.

As I begin to post now I am not even sure if I have achieved the above but here goes.

Life has continued to be hard. I still try to fill as much time as I can with things that make me happy but I still have to return the caring environment at the end of each break.
My friends and family continue to keep me as sane as I deserve to be.

Phil is no better and because he is getting older I actually don't know what parts of his worsening behaviour are just age related or what is his condition deteriorating.

I have a very good relationship with all the people at the Brain Unit so I mentioned that I felt I was losing Phil again, that he was drifting so far away that I thought our relationship may crumble. His neuropsychologist has just been such an amazing support and now sees Phil every month to try and coax him back into making an effort.
I really do not know if I would have had the patience on my own.

Another part of my life is work. I have been praying for something to happen to let me retire (but not in a bad way) but apart from a lottery win I can't see it happening. I am tired, weary, overwhelmed and worst of all out of my depth with some of the additional tasks that are now expected of me.

As I have so often said I love my job. I believe what I do is important and I get such satisfaction when I know we have made a difference to our clients.
Now however we are having to fight for funds and I am the one doing the fighting.  I am a lover not a fighter and I do feel that I don't get the support I need from my management.

The bright light I have is  my social life. I still feel guilty at leaving Phil but maybe not as much as I used to.
I just tell him that I need respite the same as any carer. He makes it hard sometimes but I just have to grit my teeth and do it for "me".

I have starting going on holiday with Julie and gang. Gran Canaria, Salou and now hopefully Lanzarote in December. I really struggled being away the first time. I think I always will struggle but I know that I feel better by the time I get home and I know that the break does me good. I miss Phil but in a "motherly" way so am better able to put him in someone else's care (Gary) for a short while.

My crafting life continues and She and I meet as often as we can organise. New York is our goal for next year. She is also my own personal analyst and sometimes life coach. Be lost without her.

Julie is my events coordinator and the best daughter I could wish for. We have our niggle moments but not often. She has already organised Ronan Keating and Pink for next year and Ste is the one who sorts the Spanish hols and just tells me where and when (and how much!!).

I hope that has brought me just a little up to date. I haven't mentioned the dreaded dissertation (still ongoing) and Headway court case (still outstanding after two postponements). I haven't mentioned Phil going to Ireland for a week without me! I will save the sordid details on those for later. 

I hope my followers will come back. I hope my life will slow down. Julie always says be careful what you wish for so that last statement I will qualify by saying I hope my life will slow down to suit me.

I will be back...................................xx

Watch this space.................

I might just be on my way back. Changes have happened since I was last here that I need to share.
As the song goes "Don't give up on me................"

Apologies

Well it seems to be taking a little longer than expected. Maybe the spring time will boost me. I am fine but finding things an effort so until I am bouncy again I will say please be patient ...........................

Facing challenges

I will be back when I have sorted my life out..........................................don't all hold your breath.

Back to my comfort zone

Thanks for your comments ladies. Yes strange how many emotions can be experienced in a short space of time.
Yesterday I was back to work allbeit only for three days but it certainly is where I function well.
Always playing catch up but I don't miss too many deadlines. Would like to be able to delegate more but heh can't have everything.

I have been advised to get some liquid support- no not alcohol but tonic. Anyone got any recommendations?
Metatone and Seven Seas are two that have been mentioned. I once tried pro plus but had to be scraped off the ceiling so don't like them one bit!! And I have heard some strange stories about Red Bull !!!

I am starting with a lovely cold today so I hope it doesn't develop for the wedding on Saturday. Don't want to drown out the vows with my sniffing. Although I am sure I will shed a tear. I have been with Elaine and Jim from day one of their relationship and I couldn't be happier with the final outcome.

Dreams do come true as my friends frequently prove...............................

Time out- not always useful............

Having time off work leads to plenty of time to think. Sometimes good sometimes not.

Such a variety of happenings since I was last at work  just over a week ago:

• White water rafting
• Pamper days
• Girly days with Julie
• Deep sadness at the loss of a friend
• Trouble sleeping
• Taking time to consider my future
• Supporting a friend whose sister may not survive
• Criticism about my treatment of Phil?

All this whilst trying to fill the hours with "normal" things.

So it started on a high and slowly I began to sink.  Events just took me there.
I have to lift myself again and back to work tomorrow. I know I will be fine. But I do have to think more about what lifts me up and what drags me down.

Certainly the criticism from a friend of Phil's has affected me more than I want to admit. I was angry at first but now I just think he is one of so many who have no concept of what my life is like. And I feel sorry for him .........

Next week will be a mixture too:

Three days back at work then:

Manicure and pedicure ready for Saturday
Elaine and Jims wedding
Scrapping with Sam
Liverpool with Carol Ann and Sara
Joyces funeral at the same place where my Mums was

Then back to the usual routine which if I am honest is probably better for me.

Plenty of time to think is not always a good thing......................................................

Bye Joyce love you .........

Our close friend Joyce lost her battle with leukaemia yesterday. I can't get my head around it. We would sit until the early hours listening to Beatles music and trying to fix the world. Love you Joyce and yes we WILL celebrate your life xxxxx

Exceeded expectations

White water rafting was so amazing. I was so scared when I first got into the boat. I was so touched that all my friends wanted to look after me. I was so grateful that they needed ballast in the middle of the boat which I was happy to provide. I really don't know how I could have sat on the edge of the boat and paddled.
God was looking down yesterday and decided that because I had been brave enough to even turn up for the love of my friend that he would give me an "easy" ride.
Having said that it wasn't exactly easy being in the middle with nothing to hold onto but I wedged my feet in  and when the guide  said "down" I gathered my friends in and held on for dear life.
It was so cold and we spent a lot of time under the water. My closest friends  me will know that for very personal reasons I hate water. I don't swim but even though my Dad was a good swimmer it didn't help him.

So I am awarding myself the medal of extreme valour.

I did it and am glad I did but don't feel the need to ever do it again. There will be some fabulous photos soon.

What can be next on my list of extreme activities. Any suggestions????

Still waiting

Watching the post for my results. I have been too busy to think about it until now. I am still busy but winding down to a week and a half off.
I do hope that I get my marks through soon. Everyone is telling me I will have passed but until I see it in black and white I am still nervous.

Talking about nervous I am white water rafting this weekend and I should be nervous. Do you know what is worrying me most - getting into the wet suit!!!
I have never been graceful and really don't fancy wetting myself laughing before we even get into the "boat"?

This may be my swan song as far as extreme activities is concerned as my body is really telling me to take it easy so I really want to go out on a high. Watch this space folks.........................

Friendship - a gift to give and receive

I am lucky enough to have loyal and loving friends. Thanks ladies for your comments. I value the love and support that I am blessed with and which keeps me sane.
Yes She next friday we will start our first retreat of the year. My bags are packed already! It is the best therapy in the world. I can be totally ME.........And the company is not bad either!!  and the food is .......mmmmm
Looking forward to 1st May too Sam and our scrapping and nattering session. More nattering than scrapping I am sure when us three get together.
In between  I have white water rafting and Elaine and Jim's wedding. Lovely stuff...........................

Shift of priorities

Since before Christmas my focus has been on finishing my dissertation. As a result my role of carer to Phil has been secondary. Not in a bad way though. I think it has done us both good and he seems to be more aware of my "other" priorities in life.
Each time I make an observation and say it out loud something happens to change it. I really hope that this stays the same. It is good to be considered even if only fleetingly.
My career (which I never planned) has taken another turn and where I was recently yearning to retire I now relish my new challenge.
I have had a day off this week and truthfully at the end of the day I realised how much time I waste if I am not focussed.

So it was prophetic when I added to the title of my blog. I am not only carer to a brain injury survivor but many many other things. And they all deserve to be encompassed in my very full life.

     I am Trish

and I just happen to be a carer right now but no longer will that hold me back. I have a lot of living still to do and I believe I will be a better happier person for it.

Only my friends and family will let me know..............................

ZUMBA

I have started going to ZUMBA classes with Julie. Last night was our second visit. I remember when we did Salsa and I never wanted to make the effort to go but when we got there we had such a good laugh.

I am not quite at the laughing stage with ZUMBA yet as I am too busy watching what I am supposed to be doing.

I am attempting 80% of the moves but leaving out the low knee bends and not doing the hops or the double turns which make me dizzy.

The first week dragged and I kept looking at the clock but last night just flew by and we were doing our final stretches before I knew it. I was actually disappointed that it was time to go. That is novel.

I am aching this morning and asking myself why  I do it but my family and friends have already confirmed that I am mad so maybe that is why.

I suppose my reason is that my life needs to be filled to the maximum with fun things so I will never say no.

The thought of white water rafting next month is scaring me slightly but I know that I will be glad that I can put it on my list after I get through it. 

I just keep hoping that my energy levels cope with my wish list but I guess that is all in the mind anyway so bring it on as they say................................................

Part Four

How typical is that. The references I have omitted are in a book that I no longer have. I am hoping it is in work but if it isn't then the references will have to be deleted.
All the other changes done and ready but then it all needs printing on premium paper.
Very nearly there....................................

My very special daughter

Yesterday I spent the day with Julie. We went to Manchester for a BOYZONE concert. It was a very emotional tribute to Steo. I went to the concert loving Ronan but came away loving them all. Thy are a wonderful bunch of down to earth lads doing what they love and desperately missing their buddy.

This trip was a gift from Julie and all day she would not let me pay for anything. We took a coach from Bangor and talked non stop for the 8hr return journey ( many pick ups). We both work really hard and don't see enough of each other but this more than made up for it.

We both agreed that it is days like yesterday that tell us how truly blessed we both are. Not everyone has a relationship with their daughter like that.

It was a wonderful day with my very special daughter.............

Part three

I collected my work yesterday and was delighted to find only three comments. I have spoken to those who had several days of amendments and mine will take maybe half an hour. So this time next week it will be with the binders.
I know my tutor would not ket me submit anything less than a pass so I am really excited. REALLY excited............................................

Part two continued

Collecting my work Wednesday morning and looking forward to seeing what parts need editing.
Quick turnaround hopefully then hand it in for binding.........exciting times...............

Part two

I have had a message from my tutor to say that after very few amendments my piece of work will be ready to hand in. Music to my ears. I was expecting considerable editing to be done.

So I will collect it next week, complete the changes then submit it for soft binding and then for marking. Not sure how long that takes but I have been assured that I could be graduating this summer if all goes to plan. 

Now I wish I had worked just a little harder on my course work so that my overall marks would be higher. A pass is a pass I know that but I will know what marks I get. I am a hard task master particularly on myself. 

So ... more of the waiting game. Someone has already planted a seed in my mind about doing a PHD after this. What a good idea. I may investigate that. 

At the moment work is chaotic and does not look likely to change until about May. I am submitting funding bids to keep us in existence. No pressure there then.  Part of me enjoys the buzz and yet I am nervous in case they are incomplete or at worst ineffective and unsuccessful. Not had any rejections yet but...........
The first one has been ok'd. Second one submitted today. Third one on Monday and so on until the end of March.
Each one is different so I can't even just produce a standard template.
It might also help if I knew what I was doing. So out of my comfort zone right now.

Wow what a boring blog post. ME ME ME.

This is obviously what I am thinking about just now so in a way I suppose that is what a blog is all about but I apologise for my self indulgence......................................