Tuesday, 20 October 2009
Another Tuesday
I am not blogging as often due to sensitivity to Phil's needs. In other words he is stressing me out just now so I am not relaxed enough to blog. Takes me all my time to browse Facebook. Not sure if it is him or me but there is certainly an increased tension just now. I am tired but thats normal ; he is miserable but that's normal so what can it be? I am relaxed enough everywhere else so don't think it's me? Can't put my finger on it . Once again I am seeing him relax on wine nights and not on non-wine nights. So what is the solution? Buy 7 bottles of wine a week and just watch him slowly kill himself?? Dilemma! If he is not happy without it is it right for me to complain because of my views? The medics know the situation and haven't actually said do not drink. They just say within moderation; whose judgement is that then? Am already concerned about Christmas and have said if we have a repeat of last year then that is the last straw - but am I all talk? Could I really go? I don't think so and maybe that is the problem...........................
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I don't really know what to say Trish beyond that maybe you need to put your needs above his because all the stress will be taking it's toll on you.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you :)
Thanks so much Tracy - it really is quite a dilemma- I have tried it all ways and either feel selfish or resentful; need a happy medium. I don't expect a perfect life under the circumstances but neither do I expect such extremes. I am really so contented doing the things I do with the friends that I have and then I have to switch back on to the realities of home. Everyone is telling me I am looking really tired - what do you think??
ReplyDeleteEarly mornings don't help but I don't think I can blame that on Phil. The main focus of my life right now is getting the best of the good times to help me cope with the not so good. Maybe I am overdoing the effort??
I have coped before and don't understand why I am struggling so much now. Perhaps getting older has something to do with it?? Or maybe it is actually watching Phil get worse in front of my eyes and not being able to do a thing about it.
Anyway I am just grateful for my friends who watch over me and are there for me - so much love to you xxxxxx
I did think you looked tired on Sunday, but then you're not sleeping properly.
ReplyDeleteIt could be that you've been carrying this burden for too long; at first it was just about all you could cope with, but over time the memory of the old Phil has gradually slipped away, and the weight of the new Phil has got too much.
Listening between the lines, I feel as though you're at a crossroads but you're waiting for someone to tell you what to do because you already know what you want to do but can't.
Is that too deep? !:)
You are spot on Tracy. The next few months may change things. The results of the MRI will be a biggy- the hope of recovery may get taken away completely then I will have to make a decision. I want someone to tell me what to do but I also want to know that it will be the right decision. Not going to get that easily am I? At the same time I am trying not to go into Phil's head which must be more scrambled than mine; but in his head he only has me. I have so many people caring for me- he just has me!! I do have wishes and hopes; we all do but my hands are tied because of my heart at the moment. Thanks for caring xxx
ReplyDeleteHopefully the scan will have a positive outcome, or at least give them a direction. It's a shame it's a fight to get anywhere though.
ReplyDeleteWe have to fight for support all over the place though don't we? Why is there not a policy to listen to the carer who actually knows what they are talking about?? xx
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