New Year's Eve

It is my least favourite day of the year.

Historically I have either stayed in alone or spent the evening in the company of alcohol infused folks.

Tonight I will be at home with Phil. I imagine the kids will all text at midnight as usual. I prefer to be in bed before midnight but stay up to respond to the texts.

Tomorrow will be the beginning of another challenging year. I have so many hopes and dreams which God willing will make it a good year. I try to be an optimist; I always was but still have that little niggle that I can't relax too much.

I have so much to begin the year with. My family has grown to ten all healthy and most happy. I have friends who I love and trust. I have a job which is reasonably well paid (for Wales standards) and which I enjoy. I have a home which needs attention but is warm and safe.

My concerns for Phil keep growing but that is the nature of brain injury. On a short trip out yesterday there were so many stressful moments too many to list. I sometimes feel guilty that we don't go out like we used to but when we do it is difficult in so many ways. If I can get it into my head that his condition will not improve and to stop dreaming ........................

Happy New Year to everyone and I wish you all everything you wish for yourselves for 2011.

Wedding invitation

Elaine and Jim are getting married in April. I am going over Sunday to get the details.
Elaine wants to do white water rafting for her "hen do". I will watch from the sidelines as I don't do water. That surprises me really as I have usually been up for anything.

So I have a couple more challenges this next year. Mainly to lose a considerable amount of weight. I have resembled a Hobbit for too long. I would really like to wear a glamorous outfit for her day and make her proud. She always flatters me. I would like Phil to be a bit trimmer too so maybe our diet plan can be shared (without him being too aware).

The other challenge is to go back to being up for anything. I am not saying I will go white water rafting but I will certainly consider it.

Over the holiday I have gone into couch potato mode. I have been busy doing brain stuff but have hardly moved from the one spot. More exercise has to be incorporated into my days. I don't like exercising but they tell me once you start you can grow to love it. I will reserve judgement.

So these are not resolutions - more like a plan. I know I will have to work hard at all of it as I have little will power. Two gigantic boxes are now empty where chocolates once sat!!!!

Lots of soup and vegetables, one pot veggie dishes, fruits and yoghurts. Who needs sticky toffee puddings ?? ..............................................

New life to consider

Last night my 20yr old grandson Anthony and his fiance Mandy had a little boy Jason Lee. Both are well and hopefully coming home today.

It is hard to get my head around sometimes that I have three great grandchildren.
What I do know is that I do not spend nearly enough time with them. When we are all together as on Christmas Day I realise how blessed I am that they all still choose to live locally. All within shouting distance.

I worry about so much "stuff" that is irrelevant and unimportant. I have what most people would give anything for; a loving close and supportive family. All their partners are wonderful too which is such a joy to see them all settled and happy.

Priorities will be my word for 2011. I have to figure out what is worth worrying about and what is not. I have had a good Christmas; Phil has been good although I can tell he has had to try really hard. At least he was willing to......
Now if I can just relax my expectations a little life may be less stressful.

I have a very full year ahead and I have to make sure that I don't shut anyone out whilst I am having fun. I was blessed with all these children so that I could enjoy them and love them every day of their lives just as I know they love me..........

Tough love

This is the calmest Christmas ever. Phil behaved himself throughout..........That's a first. He was in good form at Garys too.

Maybe my tough love worked. I was upset with him following the wedding and normally I would have given in after a few days and gone back to "normal". This time I didn't.

He has enjoyed Christmas with the kids and actually had fun himself.
Is this a breakthrough? - well puppy dog syndrome is looming but I will know for sure after New Years eve.

All I can say is that I have had a very nice Christmas.

If this man would only realise how much everyone loves him when he is NOT drinking...........................................

Looking good............

Yesterday was a lovely day. Opening presents with the whole family. I can't believe how my daughter manages to calmly cook breakfast for so many. She is a star.

Home for a relax and we watched the Grinch. Never seen it before - then evening meal as normal.

Phil did have two bottles of wine but was well behaved and I could even say pleasant.

So episode two today is going to Garys for lunch with Phil and Angela.

I am going to relax and enjoy. I may get through this Christmas unscathed. Oh I hope so.................................

Senseless behaviour

Why I am entering Christmas just waiting for something to go wrong? It is senseless but historically I can't remember a Christmas when it was ok.

But for my kids sake today I am going to try my best to just concentrate on me and them and not watch every move that Phil makes. It is going to be hard to change the habit of a marriage-time.

Expect little and I won't be disappointed. Watch this space...............

All works out in the end

Whilst everyone has been dashing about like maniacs I have been sitting waiting for the right time.
This weather makes me lazy anyway so as long as the shops still have bread and milk (and dog meat) today all will be well.
I need to deliver some gifts but can do that Boxing Day on the way out to Gary's.

So panic was not needed.

Looking forward to tomorrow and Sunday spending time with my kids. We have a new baby boy due any minute and that would just totally make Christmas.
I am going to relax for the two days before I jump into work mode next week.

Dissertation to finish by end of the month; funding bids to produce by end of the month; timetable to devise to incorporate new additional job until March.

And 2011 is going to be just fabulous with so many "fun" times to look forward to - all planned and booked. I even have Jury duty in February to add to the mix!!!

I am blessed.............................

Never in my lifetime!!

Trapped in my home because of weather. I have never had this happen before. When I was small all the Mums and Dads used to get their shovels out and bags of salt and we could always get out.
I have never missed a day off work ( or school) until now.
Cards undelivered; presents not recieved from mail order companies; visitors probably not going to be able to get here.
The worst part is that the gas man cannot get here . We don't put the heating on all the time but right now I would like to have it cosy and warm. It may not last if we use it too freely. Now I can manage without presents and I can manage without luxuries but I just hate being cold.
Living on a hill has its benefits when the rain comes but not when the ice comes.
My dream of retiring to Spain looks so tempting now so please can I be one of the 25 millionaires on Friday. Pretty please ........................

Another day at home??

I can't believe I still can't get out to work!
I am now iced in!
If I could get the car to the main road I think I may stand a slim chance but I can't get down the hill.
They say we are going to have more snow today? Up to -18 degrees in Mid Wales and we are usually just a bit higher than that.

The A55 is treacherous and the road I travel is one of the worst on a normal day!!

The local shop is running out of food so we will be living on porridge before long
( made with water too).

On a positive note......sorry I don't have a positive today. I want to get to work because if I can't then I will have to go in on what I had hoped would be time off over the holidays.

The best laid plans....................

Enforced day off

The snow is thick on the ground; the cars are covered and I live on a hill!!

So looks like an unexpected day off for me. I went back to bed but can't sleep so up having breakfast then will have to contact people who expect me at meetings.

I am going to take the day to relax and catch my breath before the Christmas break. I will also check that I have everyone's gifts.

Note to self: Please go back to having Christmas sorted by September............

Love story with a twist...........

I like that.
Makes it sound as if here is still hope.................
thanks She love ya xxx

Bubble in place

Complete U turn last night and himself is just happy when we are together ( with his dog!! )
So back to were we were.
More a psychological thriller than a love story......................

Gobsmacked....

I drove home tonight expecting a continuation of last nights rant by himself.

Not a word........ no mention or reference to it.

If I had known I would not have worried about it today.

Bubble is safe and holding..................

What a melting pot!!

My life's journey is so strange just now. For every up there is a down and every time I have cause to smile then someone goes and spoils it. So what to do?

Work is the up. I got a phone call last night to say that I will be rewarded financially for the extra work I will be putting in until at least the end of March. Not a considerable amount but at least I got it without any effort. As everyone who knows me will remember I would do my job for free if I could afford to.

Home is the down. I just have not been able to forgive Phil for spoiling my memories of the wedding. I made the decision that day to build a bubble around myself as far as he is concerned so that I can't be hurt again. He has now decided that HE can't put up with life as it is and we have to do something about it.

So can I keep the bubble in place or will he break through it and force changes.
He has always been the winner but this feels different. The sad part is that all this has nothing to do with him having had a brain injury. This once again is about alcohol.

I have been here before and wondered what comes next so I guess I just watch and wait and cling on to my bubble...........................

Good start to the weekend

This last month has been somewhat stressful and challenging. There are so many changes that I have to take on board.

Each weekend for the last 8 years I have been up early (sometimes really early) and filled the weekend to the brim.

This weekend I actually managed to stay in bed until 8.30. Just having done that makes me feel so good. My brain is still working overtime but in a positive way.

So I want to continue in this way being able to take time out from Cruse and do stuff for me.
Today I am meeting Sam for lunch. We natter for a couple of hours or so and then do a little retail therapy in the craft shop.

Tomorrow I will catch up with Julie who I haven't seen for two weeks. My daughter is so like her mother and works far too hard.

I have a strange (unfamiliar) relaxed feeling today and I want it to continue.
I think I have been looking at the "change what you can and accept what you can't" mantra.
I would like to live by this every day but small steps are good so I will enjoy today.

For 43 years my personal mantra has been " quiet acceptance" and it has got me this far.

I need to get back there where it is safe...........................

It's been a long week

All the elements have been against me this week; weather; communication; health. All my plans have stumbled and I am really glad it is Friday.

Work needs an early spring clean. The office is getting more and more crowded as I try to get organised.

Home is getting more and more tense as I refuse to believe that Christmas will pass without incident.

Social life is going to be hectic and I don't really have the energies necessary.

Seriously thinking about next years diary. I always do at this time of year. I have taken on extra duties at work and unless I become super-organised then I will struggle.

Who would have thought that at 62 I would have a career that continues to excite and challenge me. That from the girl who was NEVER ambitious..................

Oh this weather

It's not always the weather you see that causes the problems . Yesterday - driving to work the roads were lethal. Why can't all the drivers see the ice that I see? Why do they drive about 6 inches from my rear end?

If you see the snow you know that the roads are likely to be bad and you slow down.

This morning it is raining hard and if it freezes then the roads will be bad again.
My problem is that once I have decided to brave the journey it is 17 miles of bendy roads and hoping for the best.

I have seen several incidents this last week and I really do not want to be one of them.

So I am still deciding whether to go. I will wait until the daylight arrives and then make my mind up. Even the weather forecast is too brief to be a guide.

Watch this space...................

Oh boy I am stuffed

Rhiwafallen for lunch with Phil She and Ralph. I have a veggie roast dinner which is perfect. I always arrive home absolutely stuffed. No different today.

Phil drove for a change and I am glad he did or I would have been car-skating again. The roads are worse than they look.

She and Ralph were a joy to be with as always and my Christmas gift this year just blew me away. I am so blessed............

Home now in my bargain PJ's and really just want to go to sleep.
Today was just a perfect day..............................................

Bring on the weekend

This week has flown and not as much achieved as I would have liked.

There are so many changes daily weekly and I just have to ride with them and hope it all turms out.

Today I need to do some dissertation. Submission at the end of this month. Am I fooling myself thinking that it will be ready? Maybe - but I am still quietly confident.

Tomorrow is fun day with She and Ralph and Phil.

But today I need a plan.
Hair at 8.30am then home and sort necessary paperwork by 10 am.

Then I will do Phil's case study for my dissertation. That will be hard going through all his letters from specialists and seeing what they thought our future would be. We had no idea - no idea..............................

I was reminded last night of one of the "conditions" of Phil's current state. He has no comprehension of what is a secret or a confidence. Can you imagine how much trouble that could get me into. We all voice things that don't expect to be passed on don't we?? He is almost childlike in his ability to pass things on.

I have to be honest yet sensitive in his case study. He has to read it and be happy with it. Wish me luck ...............................

Enveloped with tiredness

Physically exhausted; emotionally drained ; feel like 100 years old.
It's all down to the weather.

I have missed out on a holiday this year and was not able to store up any UV rays to see me through these cold dark mornings and evenings.

I said it last year and every year before- I really would like to hibernate in winter. I don't feel productive, attractive, responsive, just sloth-like bundled up and uncomfortable.

On the positive side this week--- well have to think hard here--- Sunday will be great but so far this week has been pretty rubbish. Didn't get to do some of the things I wanted to because of the weather; haven't managed to get all my work done because of the volume....................well maybe next week will be better....

I am also missing my spa days which help me relax but I don't have time to fit them in.


Oh I can feel some New Years resolutions hovering.................................

Sunday with friends

Looking forward to a lovely meal on Sunday at my favourite Rhiwafallen. It's Ralph's birthday treat and Phil and I will join him and Sheilagh to spend some time together. Phil does not get on with everyone now and all of his friends have deserted him since the accident but he gets on well with Ralph; they have some common interests and I can relax knowing that I won't have to worry about him.

Of course She and I are best buddies so we always have fun and laughter.

Good food, good company; what more could I want for a special Sunday.............

Finding a balance

I love my children and their children and as I said to my daughter this morning "I made you all"!! Had a little help from Phil but mostly they are my creation. And they are wonderful.
I don't spend enough time with them but when I do the love is given and received in a natural way; no effort - just natural.

I love my job and have moulded it to suit my abilities and expectations. If I had the choice I would retire tomorrow but I do not have the choice so I am thankful that I have this job right now.

Home life however is a different matter. I wish I could carry my happiness over just a little to that. There are so many issues going on that I have given up trying to resolve them. Maybe if I stop being negative then things may improve but those of you who know me will agree that I have tried so so hard.................

So - finding the balance..

I have the best "best friend" in the world; many close friends who are always there for me and me them and at the moment I am healthy enough to continue doing the things that give me pleasure.

So today I will be grateful for the things that I have and not ponder too long on the things that I don't have.....................................

The Next Chapter

So all these thoughts of retiring need to go out of my head. I have been given a new challenge at work.
I had thought for the last two years that my efforts have been going un-noticed and that others had been getting the praise. Not so. Yesterday I had the full backing of my Committee to take on a new role alongside my existing work.

I am not phased and am already starting to formulate a plan. It will mean more travelling; more time out of the office; more interaction with professional organisations. I used to do all of these things before I started this job so am just going back to what I know.
At the moment this is just until March but if it works out it will be permanent.
If I am honest it has come at the best time as I had started to have itchy feet
( seven years in post)and wondered if I needed a change of direction. This gives me a change whilst staying with the organisation I love.

There is just one small point no increase in salary yet.

That would have made it perfect but I work for a charity and these days we are undervalued so until that changes then the staff are also expected to do their bit for the charity in working for much less than in the corporate world..........

So now I have enough challenges to keep me busy.
My concentration must be on:
1. My dissertation which has to be handed in at the end of the year
2. Organising two days for the new role whilst training someone to cover my office work whilst I am out
3. Trying to balance all this with home and friends
4. Still keep an eye on all the aims that I have and being realistic about them


WISH ME LUCK.........................................

EXCITED

I am going off to my retreat with She on Friday. Seems like forever since I have seen her. She gives the best hugs in to world so I am hoping to overdose on them.

Home is still unsettled since the wedding but I am coping better than I usually do and can only think that because I am in the right I feel ok??

Work is crazy as usual and all the more reason for me to be looking forward to Friday and Monday off.

Still not back to daily posts but I do pop in to see everyone on a daily basis so just for me everyone please keep on blogging .............................

Back to work

I have enjoyed being off even though I have been shackled to my laptop for 5 days. I have put a lot of work in but am disappointed that I did not finish it. Each time I found a subject I researched it some more!!
I would guess that about 5 more days should do it but I am not sure where those days are going to come from. I am busy every Saturday this month and only have one Sunday free!! So it will have to be snatched hours here and there.
It has to be handed in by the end of December as I have had 3 months extension already.
I think Phil will be glad to see me back to work today. He has had to be a little more active whilst I have been here although it has still been rising at noon every day!!
Work is going to be challenging since my colleague resigned. Waiting for my Management Committee to decide what to do but until then I am just doing my own stuff which is more than enough to keep me busy.................

DAY THREE

Wish I had carried on with my speed typing training all those years ago. Never mind I am getting all the information typed up quite well but think I need a little walk now. Don't want to get DVT!!

Another couple of hours to do today and then full day tomorrow.
If I add it up I have probably spent around 17 hrs typing and researching so far. Had planned to do 16 hours over my 4 days off but once I get going I just don't want to stop.

Only one problem...once again I have not missed work at all!! I really could retire
(if I could afford to). I have so much to fill my time even after I have finished this dissertation. Wonder if it is the seven year itch. It will be 7 yrs in May since I started working for Cruse ( I volunteered for 3 years before that).

Anyway need to get that thought OUT of my head. I have a mortgage to pay and a lifestyle to maintain.................................

31.12.2009

That was a post that was. When I read it now I remember thinking that life was going to be ok. I had fought so many battles in 2009 and thought I had won. How wrong can you be. Brain injury is like that. Brain injury and alcohol dependency is even worse.
Maybe it would work better if Phil had one of those and I had the other?? Now I am joking so is that a good sign??
Phil asked me the other day if we can go back to being in love again. What could I say? My response was just " I don't know".

Anyway I am having 4 days off work to do my dissertation. From living with brain injury to researching it. Hope it is going to be a good submission in December. Just sitting here looking at my timetable for the next 4 days I know I will have to be so disciplined. Not a word that has been easy for the last eight years but here I go ... watch this space..........

Still not a good time to come out.

Still living in my negative bubble so not sure it is the right time to come back. Have lost the ability and energy to try and change things. Maybe 2011 will be "fight back" year?? I can only hope ..................

Almost there.........

Peeping out from under the covers but not quite ready to come out yet..............

CLOSED FOR PERSONAL MAINTENANCE.............................

Forward looking

Ok so the wedding is over and the happy couple are now away on their honeymoon. The photos will be drifting in and the day will be added to the list of memories.

Real life- back to work; the weather is rough and the rest of the month is busy. Just how I like it.

I have also decided once and for all to close my blog. I will pop by and see others but mine has become redundant now. If I find it boring how can I expect others to follow it. And I may be taking a different journey and am not sure if it will be worth sharing.

So for the last time - signing out and thanks to those who have encouraged me when I have needed it....................................

Wonderful wedding

The bride and groom looked wonderful and the way they looked at each other warms my heart.
It was great to see family too that I have not been able to visit for some time and my friends as always are a source of comfort to me.

As for Phil- he acted as I expected. Why am I not surprised? It's a shame my favourite Uncle witnessed the real life I have. He cares deeply for me and I could tell he was concerned. I must spend more time with him.

That is another event over and I move on to the next. The next batch are solo events; not family gatherings so I can just consider myself.

I am in the position again where I have to make decisions. Oh how I wish I had a crystal ball. If I could do what I really wanted (which practically is not an option) so many people would be rocked by the fallout. So I just pray for a sign telling what to do. I have faith that it will come to me and just need the courage to act when I see it.

In the meantime..........
I sit and wonder why I looked like the bad guy last night??..........

One more sleep

It's Phil's birthday and it is very low key because of the wedding. In 1969 my dad has his birthday the day before my wedding- life is full of coincidences.
The kids are coming over with a "chinese" later. That will be fun; we are all hyper at the moment so it will be interesting to see who can get a word in. We all tend to talk too much when we are nervous!!! Runs in the family!!

Phil hasn't been mentioned much in my blog lately. It is a period of change and I feel quite sad some days. I have fought so hard to get his medication balanced and now that he is more "aware" there are parts that I don't like. Is it because I am wishing for something that cannot be or is it I just want our lives to be the best they can under the circumstances.

Mild aggression has returned usually after a bottle of wine which he manages to demolish in about an hour. I can cope with that the way I did before the accident. The part that I struggle with is him being argumentative and insisting that I have not told him things that I definitely have.
I hate confrontation and yet my silence only winds him up more.

I really hope he is ok tomorrow at the wedding.........................

Countdown to the wedding

I can feel emotions rising - heaven help me on Saturday. Julie and I just wish my Mum could be there; I am so blessed to be around to go to my Grand daughters wedding. The tension is around us but I know on the day it will be fine.
I think Julie and Ste have done Leanne proud and I am so grateful to them. She is having everything she has asked for - and more!!
All the beauty stuff is booked tomorrow- eyebrows eyelashes nails etc and I do hope the lorry of flesh coloured polyfilla arrives in time. I hope Phil is going to be able to strap me into my corset!!
Looks like the weather is going to be kind to us and I am sure it will be a wonderful day.
I adore my kids and their kids and their kids. How blessed am I?

Oh and it is Phil's birthday tomorrow and I must try not to forget..................

Taking a break

Just having a little break from doing my dissertation.
Wish I could type faster and wish I had a book holder that would keep the book open but raised to save the crick in my neck!!

Apart from that I am enjoying it. I still feel a bit "off" but after discussions with friends yesterday I think I gave myself a sugar overload on Friday and once that is out of my system I will be ok. My diet is so erratic that I really must address that once all the "pending" stuff is over.

The next hurdle is the wedding. I am excited and apprehensive at the same time. I know that there are issues for concern but I really just want to go and feel the proudest Nannie in the world. I have two children each with partners three grandchildren two with partners one step-grandson and two great grandchildren and one on the way..............

If Phil behaves himself it has the makings of a perfect day. But like I said I am excited and apprehensive. Will let you know which was justified...............

Who is this following my life ???????

Again today my stars are just so accurate to the point that I think I have a personal predicter and this is JUST for me and nobody else??

Hello trish !
Your Sun Sign: Leo
Date of birth: 15 August 1948

Your daily horoscope for 28 August 2010

Your physical vitality is at low ebb, and you should make sure to avoid exposure to any sort of illness or disease, trish. Steer clear of toxic substances of any kind that might add even more stress to your immune system. It may be hard for you to take a realistic attitude on these types of issues. You are good at creating a delusional frame of mind that convinces you that everything is fine, when in reality, it isn't. There is a stubborn energy in the air that is making it hard for you to change your ways.


I had a hair appointment at 8am today and really struggled to get myself ready for it. I have been up since 7am so it is not the rising , more the getting ready that is the problem. Last night I felt as if my body weighed a ton; a strange and very uncomfortable feeling. I can't put my finger on it but I don't feel "right".

Right now I think I could sleep but I know if I tried I would just lie and think.......of everything and of nothing. In most areas my life is smoother than for some time. I am not unhappy but there is just something ....................

Working through

I have said before in my blog that I wake up each morning and wonder if I will get through the day ok. This is on an energy level not on a capability level.

This last year has been one of my hardest years and my energy levels have been at their lowest.

So far I am getting through and only call off those outings that will not inconvenience others.

Yesterday I thought I was going to have to do a ten page presentation in front of my Committee. I have argued against this for some time as I am not an "I" person ; more of a "we" person. Anyway yesterday was the day and only 6 members were in attendance at the meeting instead of 12 ( due to holidays). I gave the members the choice of me doing the presentation or them taking it home and reading it. Thankfully they chose the latter but I was given the opportunity to talk in general about my role.

As far as I can see I have the full backing of the Committee and can carry on as before. My colleague had her hours cut by half so I guess I am lucky. We are a Charity so I know my salary will not increase but you all know how much I love my job so that is not an issue right now.

So another successful day to tick off the challenge list.

Next is the wedding on 4th and all I have to do is get there feel good and enjoy myself. I am anxious because like all weddings a couple of things have gone wrong so far; the bride has to have her dress altered; the cake maker has broken two fingers?? and the photographer has called off due to work commitments. I am sure that it will all come together but because I am standing back and not "doing" any of the organising I worry about Julie getting stressed too.

As they say it will all be allright on the night or in this case on the day. I just hope my waterproof mascara works ok...............................

More medical confusion

I got an appointment to see the ENT guy on 1st September. One problem; I need to have a scan and a biopsy before then and I don't have an appointment for that. I phoned the department and was told there is am 8 wk waiting list for ultrasound; that takes me to around 15th Sept. So I have changed the appointment from 1st to 22nd. Will I be lucky and will it all fit in??
In the meantime my voice is getting lower; one cyst is obviously pressing more on my vocal cords and the shortage of breath I presume is where the other cyst is leaning on the windpipe. The joys of ageing!!

Right now my mind is full of presentation wedding dissertation in that order.

Tomorrow I have to do the presentation which was postponed. I am really not good at saying what I do; good at doing it but in a quiet - get on with it- way.
I have compiled a 10 page description of my role and as much as I tried to condense it 10 pages is what it takes!!

The wedding is on 4th and I still have no idea what I will be wearing. This weekend I will get my hair done as usual ( my weekly indulgence) and then come home and try all the outfits on which are possibilities. Then on the morning of the wedding I will probably change my mind!! I have enough choices so am not too concerned.

My dissertation should technically be submitted by the end of September. I am more than half way and the questionnaires are on their way to completion. It is like being a good way through a jigsaw and then just seeing a load of shapes the same size and colour and not having a clue where to put them. I really enjoy doing it but am so nervous of the final construction process.

Phil is being sweet at the moment and I can't remember the last time I was impatient with him. He is off all the tranqillisers (still on anti- depressants but wants to try and reduce those next)and so he is more aware of what is going on around him. Not quite the Phil I married but nicer than he has been for some time in the last eight years. Or maybe I have just stopped fighting??
Anyway at the moment home is ok and I feel good here.

It is my crop on Sunday and that is a part of my life that needs sorting once all of the above is complete. I am really not doing enough crafting. Once a month is just not enough and I need to arrange more.

Today I am attending the lunch with my lovely ladies (The Merry Widows) and we always have a wonderful time. They are the ones who reassure me when I think my job is too difficult and make me realise that their futures are my responsibility.....

Nice photo

Elaine has just sent me this. I was complaining about hating my looks and she said how lovely she thought I looked at Tracey and Dave's wedding. I like this and it has helped me just a little to see that I can look quite good sometimes.
I had a photos recently which made me look like SHREK so I am glad to see that I don't always look like that.
Still wondering what to wear for the wedding but this gives me a little bit of confidence to even consider a plain suit. I am getting my pink renewed tonight so that is stage one.
Counting down the days now to 4th September............................

I made it!!

Today is my 62nd birthday. My Mum and Dad did not have a 62nd birthday. I am so relieved to get here..........................

Time out

I am popping in to read blogs but my thoughts are still too muddled to post my own. I will be back shortly but I have a few loose ends to tidy up first. All I can say is that there is a lot happening here just now; some things are massive and some more subtle; some good and some not so.
I start the week wondering if I will make it to friday and I have done so far but I still always wonder.
So please bear with me for a little while longer.........................

Apologies

I am just too tired to blog right now.................

Take a step back

I have far too much on my mind.

Some things deserve attention; some are insignificant. I seem to have lost the ability to sort out which is which.

It's like having a brain full of spiders all running different ways and affecting my thoughts in the same fashion. My conversations are also erratic with no calm flow.

Work yesterday was a struggle and although I always achieve enough I wasn't sure which was a priority. I pride myself on being able to do that normally.
So what is causing this blip?

Maybe I will get time to discover this at my weekend away with Sheilagh. Time to reflect and consider my choices. Do I have any choices now that is the question.................................................

Now the waiting game

I went to see the consultant yesterday -I thought to get an appointment for a thyroidectomy.

After having a disgusting procedure with anaesthetising my thoat and putting a tube with a camera on up my nose and down my throat - yuk - he said I need more tests.

He has told me he really does not think it is cancerous but needs a biopsy to rule it out completely then another scan. More blood taken yesterday whilst I was there (why is it as we get older we have bruising after everything?).

So I have to wait for the appointment for the biopsy and scan then see him again in 6 weeks.
He will then decide if I need to op. At least I won't have to be in recovery for the wedding so that is the good side.

Two things surprised me during the consultation; broccoli and cabbage can damage the thyroid and HAIR DYE. He has asked me to stop using it. OMG how do I get around that one? I don't even know what my real colour is and I am really not ready to "grow old gracefully".

Julie suggested I have extensions but that does not help the roots.

I am going to do some research first and see if there is a thyroid friendly hair colour. The one I use is animal based I think- is that as harmful? I have coloured my hair for 47 years and I can't see myself just stopping..........

That was a week that was................

An eventful week to say the least. Sad stressful revealing empowering humbling.

I have felt every emotion this week and responded to everything in what I hope was a good way.

I have been aware of the torment of several people this week and for those of them who have to pick up the pieces following their loss I hope that they survive. They know what I do for a living and if they need me I will be there.

For those whose struggle is still going on they know where I am and they know that I will try my hardest to ease their pain.

I have a good week next week starting with being presented with a cheque for Cruse from some wonderful people who have considered us in their fund raising efforts.

Tuesday is my appointment with ENT guy and then reflexology and lunch with Julie.

And then FRIDAY. Well thats when I go to Sheilaghs and we have a whole weekend of SCRAPCAMP.
A whole weekend of talking laughing being silly and maybe doing some scrapbooking??
Think we both need that. She is my best friend in all the world and I love her to bits.......................................

Angel on my shoulder?

I get my daily horoscope through to my mobile phone for a bit of fun but twice this week it has been so right.

Yesterday I had a "bit of an issue" with my "boss" and felt slightly misunderstood.
I stated that I felt confident with my abilities but she had to add that she thinks I am competent BUT............

I relish constructive criticism but in this case it was unfair comments. We have always got on well and understood each other but this one "issue" has caused some concerns for me in the way it is being handled. She is the person I go to with any concerns so what do I do with this feeling?
I feel very strongly that the way I am dealing with this is correct and I am adhering to policies and procedures. I am not a legal person so I am dealing with it with the skills that I possess.
For anyone who knows me I am like a terrier when I know I am right. So I agree that I do not need others approval to feel comfortable and self confident.

So back to my horoscope. Today is a rare day off so I can relax and enjoy some home time albeit it busy with dissertation again. It is raining outside so no temptation to get out there.
Tomorrow I am working - yes Sunday; helping out my Training Officer to organise next years calendar. I never thought I would say this but I would rather watch the football. Come on Spain and David Villa- think I am in love!!!!.................


Hello trish !
Your Sun Sign: Leo
Date of birth: 15 August 1948

Your daily horoscope for 10 July 2010

You may find yourself in a bit of a funk today for no apparent reason, trish. It could be that the smallest actions of others are rubbing you the wrong way. Perhaps you need to spend some time alone to reconnect with yourself. Remember that you don't need to have the approval of everyone around you in order to feel comfortable and self-confident. This is a feeling that should come from within.

Nice thought.. but................

My son sold his car to help with his finances. So my husband has "lent" him his free gratis.
Now if I had known that my husband did not need his car then we could have sold it to help with our finances.

So it is a nice thought to help Gary out (he has a motorbike which has just had new tyres and brakes so he is not exactly poor) but as we will still be paying road tax and insurance I can't see any benefit for us.

But because Phil does not think of others very often because of his cognitive condition then I should be really happy that he has done this.

Am I upset because he did not check with me first? A little I guess but more because now we are down to one car which I have particularly tried to avoid for the last 8 years so that Phil could still have his independence. Even though we couldn't really still afford the upkeep of two vehicles?? Which we will still have but will only have the use of one??

I need my car every day so if Phil needs to go somewhere he needs to have his own transport.
Lets see what happens now...................................

Transference

My "boss" is under pressure so how does that affect me?

Well the pressure is transferred onto me and I am made to feel as if everything is urgent when it clearly is not?

Will I say anything? Probably not. I am extremely organised at work and I will just continue in my normal fashion.

It has worked for more than 6 years??.......................................

Who's watching me??

Hello trish !
Your Sun Sign: Leo
Date of birth: 15 August 1948

Your daily horoscope for 7 July 2010

Take the time today, trish, to consider your physical and mental health. Given your ambitious nature, these are areas that may be neglected. And one really affects the other. If you put off dealing with issues or overwork your brain, your physical health will suffer for it. Things like excess weight, addictions and bouts of depression are all indicators that there is a lack of balance in your life. See about getting things more in sync.

What can I say?.................................

Emotionally spent

Work was such an effort for me today. I could have quite easily taken the day off but true to form there I was as usual.

The reason I wanted to take the day off?

Well yesterday I was completely overwhelmed with sadness on my Mum's anniversary. It is 26 years since she died and I really can't remember ever feeling so bad on the day.
Is it because she was my age when she died? Is it because my health is not at it's best?

I think the reason is that I need her more than ever right now. My life is a struggle and much as I laugh and sing and join in the fun I know that things are not right. I spend too much of my time wondering how each day will turn out.

I have developed an irrational aversion to negativity in others and yet I read it in my blog all the time. I have to make a constant effort to be ok. I go through the motions; I smile; I do my job and I play the part.

But my gut is twisting and turning and I know that my Mum could calm me down with her crazy ideas and funny ways. She would put things into perspective and she managed without my Dad for seven years after he died. Why can't I do half as well as she did. I still have my husband albeit a little damaged. She did have me to look after her though? And love her and protect her. I know I did that.

Yesterday I needed her hugs and I willed myself to imagine that she was here but it was agonising and I wept like I can't remember.

So today I am emotionally spent but I think I needed to go through that.
She was a very special lady and I owed her that. I was incredibly blessed.

My Dad was wonderful too and his day will come; he was a quieter man so I do not have the crazy memories so much ; just the memory of the deepest love that a father could give his "little girl"...........................

4th July 1984

Today is 4th July, Independence Day. It is also 26 years since my Mum died.

She was only 61- my age now; far too young to go.

My Mum was funny, brave, wonderful,wise, and I still miss her every day. I adored her; still do and she adored me. She was always so proud of me and used to sing my praises from the rooftops; even when I didn't think I deserved it.

When she died my voice of reason was taken from me. I became the mother figure in the family and at 35 I was not ready for that. She did however give me the ability to work things out. Not every decision she made in her life was the right one but she was able to admit that just like I do. She was able to treat every problem as a challenge (and she had many of those particularly after Dad died in 1977) and tried to reason it through.

I don't know how I have survived without her this long. I have needed her so many times since she left. I speak to her and think of her every day but as so many of my clients say "just five minutes to hold her" would be so wonderful.

My children have such lovely memories especially Julie who spent a lot of time with her. We laugh when we remember things she said and did.

She was a very brave lady who dealt with Cancer in the most diginified way I have ever witnessed. She made everything as easy as she could for us to deal with and brought laughter until the end. I have her things all around me and today I may weep but I will also laugh.
Love you and miss you so so much my darling Mum xxxx

Out for lunch

The sun has come out after all the wind and rain. I can put my weather coat back on its hook.
I am out to lunch with a friend today. Joan and I did our Cruse training together in 2001 and apart from Margaret are the only ones left from that course. Volunteering is a gift that you cannot always give. I intended to stay as a Volunteer with Cruse for ever once I had done the training. I never realised that it would become my paid employment and the best job in my life.
I still volunteer but not as often as my job is full time and some. Lots of out of hours work. I miss counselling though and need to get back to seeing clients face to face. I speak to about 30 per day on the phone but nothing beats seeing the progress when a client comes for their first visit and are lost and afraid and through the weeks they emerge from their shell and begin to engage in life again. Now that is priceless.
I run a social group for Cruse clients who have moved on from one to one counselling. This week I was entertained by 8 widows who a short time ago thought that their lives were over. We laughed over lunch and I could see how far they had come. It is the best day in my month.
The downside of my job is the politics. It is everywhere but it can be such a bind. I coordinate the services that are needed with the tools that are provided and then when I meet with my Committee once a month the bar is raised and we need to see more and quicker and all with minimal funding.
But back to the purpose of the Organisation- to help people recover following bereavement. And I think my Team do a damn good job.........................

Recharge necessary

I finished work at 2pm today when my batteries totally ran out. I took 2 hours TOIL and still have 35 hrs to take! Some hopes!

I am amazed at how so many people try to catch up with their phone calls on a Friday. I try to make sure I have done all my paperwork for the week and am hampered by the phone ringing off the hook. I know - its part of my job - but it can be so frustrating paticularly when I am trying to do statistics and reports.
I think I have moaned about this before. It is a constant battle to keep my brain pliable enough to dart back and forth.

So today at noon I decided that my brain would not last after 2pm.

But still the phone rang until 1.50 and probably is still ringing now............

Progress with reservations

Well I finally have an appointment 13th July with the consultant to discuss my thyroid.
The thyroid itself seems to be functioning ok according to the tests ( so why am I so tired) but I have cysts and nodules so a probable thyroidectomy on the horizon.

Hospital has always meant a rest for me so I am never nervous of going in. I worry about the silly things like being seen without my dentures !!

I hope that the op will fit in with my hectic schedule but if there have to be cancellations so be it - as long as it is not the scrap camp or the wedding. Being realistic though I guess they will both be well over before the appointment comes through.

I was discussing depression with friends at the weekend and how it takes hold without invitation. I was at the hairdressers last night and as she was running late I started to read a mag. RED July issue has a couple of features about depression. Typically I was half way through when she was ready for my head massage- pre shampoo.
So today I will hopefully buy the mag and finish the feature.

I have never considered myself a moody person and yet inside the pit of my stomach there is often a tidal wave going on. I manage to hide it from the world most of the time (except for my soulmate Sheilagh) but it is painful and exhausting.

And being honest again which I try to be I know that the causes are external most of the time and out of my control. I just don't always handle the pressures I am under every day. I don't have anyone I can scream and shout at in response so I keep it inside where it does no good to my health.

I cannot see a solution so for the time being this is just the way it is. Get on with it - enjoy the good and endure the bad - deja vue!! I am sure I have written this before...................................

Not a perfect solution

Phil has been off his tranquillisers for a month now. He is still on full dose anti-depressants. He has also stopped taking his statins after hearing of some negative effects.
The results are not as I had hoped. I am sure he feels better and more alert but his aggression has returned and the wine has a quicker effect. So although my dream is to have Phil back again I think I really need to be honest (yet again) and say I really only want the good bits back.....................

More changes

My job is brilliant. I help to get support for bereaved people. That is a simplistic description and it is a very intense and difficult job . I love it though. However there are more changes on the horizon and more personnel to get used to. As soon as you settle into a familiar pattern then something changes.

I have a great deal of responsibility with very little authority. I am hoping that my new "boss" will change that. It is frustrating to manage 130 volunteers whilst checking your actions at every turn.

It would also be nice for my salary to reflect the responsibilty.

The problem is that I would do the job for free because I love it so much. I am one of those people who enjoys work. I have only ever had one job in my lifetime that I did not enjoy and that was more to do with the people I was working with.

So I will just carry on getting the buzz and one day maybe I will get rewarded but until then...................

Inconceivable

My baby girl is 40 years old tomorrow.

So this time 40 years ago I was in hospital 9 days late for the birth of my first child. Phil was abroad in the RAF and I was more than a little scared. I was 21 yrs old.
Julie eventually arrived; she was intended to be Sara Jane but then there were so many Saras being born just then so Joanne Clare was an alternative and again the baby before mine was Clare so I remembered friends who had a girl and a boy called Julie and Gary
So when Phil got the telegram to say Julie Anne had arrived he was more than a little bemused!!
Way back then you stayed in hospital much longer following the birth -- 10 days in my case -- and learned how to cope a little bit before they sent you home. I was actually staying with my Mum and Dad whilst Phil was overseas so I had plenty of help (and advice which a new Mum does not always take to.)

All I wanted to do was just sit and stare at this amazingly beautiful creation.
Phil arrived home when Julie was 7 days old and when he came to visit it was love at first sight.
Now I would need to write a very long book to encompass the 40 years since. Those of you who know me will agree that it would consist of many many chapters.
The result is however a daughter who is my wonderful friend and who I adore.

I took her to London for her birthday treat but now I think I should have made a scrapbook or something as apart from a card I have nothing to give her tomorrow.

I could burst with pride when I am with her and am so glad that we have stayed close. Some people are not so fortunate. She lives about 150 yards away and although we can go days without seeing each other due to busy jobs we love to catch up and can talk all the hind legs off all the donkeys in all the fields.

We are meeting up on Friday for a pamper session.

In just over 3 years I will be writing a post about Gary my lovely son who is 37 in October. As different as chalk and cheese but just as loved and adored.

I have been up since 4am. The shows I recorded yesterday on SKY + failed again so I am not a happy bunny about that.

I have a lot on my mind just now and am just about managing to keep everything in separate boxes. It's just as well 40 years ago I did not know what the future would hold...................

Change of fortune

Well I didn't have a tantrum yesterday; the mood changed and I had a lovely day. I helped out at an "Open Gardens Event" with the Womens Institute. I was in my element selling teas and cakes - took me back to a previous life as a shop-keeper - some of the best times of my life.
Good company and plenty of laughter so the day ended well.
There is another event next Sunday and I am tempted to offer my services again.

It is strange that my job now is such an isolated one and yet I just love being with people. I hope no-one can ever tell I lack confidence!!

Another busy week ahead but par for the course. My energies are up today. I have achieved a lot in the office but still have a mountain to climb. I do have some more fun times Friday Saturday and Sunday to look forward to though.

Phil is content watching football every night and I am happy reading my book just now; Time of my Life by Patrick Swayze and Lisa Niemi; a wonderful love story.....................

Running on empty

My energy levels are flatlined. I have been running on empty for a couple of weeks now. I am aching all over and yet still doing what I always do; saying yes.
I hope to get an appointment soon regarding my thyroid; need to know what is the plan as I have a busy year and have to work things around it.

I am a routine person; I like my way of organising my day and get anxious when it does not go the right way.
Small things wind me up. Every morning whether I am up at 4.30 like yesterday morning or 7.30 this morning I make my breakfast take my barley grass and sit down in front of the tv to catch up with what I have recorded.
We have Sky HD +. Every now and again it does not work and has to be tweeked to get it going again. The problem is that to tweek it the whole box needs to be removed from the hole in the wall where it fits, turned off ( the plug is a good lean backwards) and then turned back on again.
I cannot physically do this . I cannot bend my knees; if I sit down to reach back then I cannot get back up.
So no tv!! My routine is already off kilter!! So I get my laptop out and now the battery is running low..
Wonder what the rest of the day will bring?? Hope I don't have a tantrum..........

Negative forces

I had such a lovely day on Sunday but the week has started out very differently.
There are so many issues both at work and at home I can't believe they are all happening at once. Is this a test?

I know I will get through it but it is going to take all my energy to do so.
I will arrive at Sunday with huge relief.

Today I have a huge task which will not be pleasant. My job entails unpleasant tasks with occasional confrontation but I never get used to that.

Home is challenging too with more changes happening to Phil without his tranquillisers. It was a risk I had to take but it is stressful.

So not very much sunshine here just now and my stomach is acting up again and the medication is just not touching it so Gaviscon is the order of the day I think.

I will be back to reflect......................................

Waiting for an appointment

Still no appointment to see the consultant about these cysts etc. If I don't hear by Monday I will see if I can chase it up. I am so tired and London was wonderful but took the last remnants of energy in my body!! I still ache; I just want to sleep; and yet was up at 5am.

Saturday should be a day of rest but I HAVE to catch up with my dissertation if I am to stand any chance of meeting deadlines.

Sunday will be a lovely day with friends eating wonderful food at Rhiwafallen. Phil will have to get up early but it will be a nice change for him especially having Ralph to chat to.
His "friends" seem to have disappeared and I wonder if they realise I need them as much as Phil does. They all seem to be concerned about his welfare if we meet in the village but thats as far as it goes. He has gone from being the life and soul to being Philly no mates. How sad. I hope that never happens to me; can never imagine it with my wonderful friends.

And then next week starts the madness which is Cruse again.

So off to work now to sort my desk and uncover any important stuff lurking at the bottom. Three days off certainly takes its toll in catching up...............

Aching all over

Oh how we walked and walked and walked in London.
I ache all over but it was worth it. Dirty Dancing was wonderful but emotional; I am a big fan of Patrick Swayze and he will always be special; luckily Julie feels the same. We talked walked ate shopped just a little (not our normal frantic "have to have it" mode). Of course most of my shopping was notebooks. How many does a girl need? I am sure there is no ceiling on it??
It poured yesterday and we got soaked but ended up in Convent Garden having the most delicious soup and rustic bread. Why don't I eat more soup at home - I say this so often. I love soup - it is comfort food. Not chicken soup which they say is good for the soul though - I am a veggie so tomato or cauliflower or broccoli soups do it for me with lentils wherever they fit.
Our train broke down on the way home and we were delayed about an hour. At one stage we thought that Penny Puma would be trapped overnight in the park and ride but we managed to get them to ring ahead and make arrangements to collect her.

So today I ache all over - it was good thinking to book today off as well. Can't imagine running up those stairs at work. I had my hair done at 9am to get rid of the London grime and intend to relax for the rest of the day. We tried to get the balloon flight for this afternoon but it is full. No surprise.
The rest of June at work looks like being quite intense so I have to make the best of it.

Phil was pleased to see me home last night but it is short lived and today we are back to normal. He was up early to go to the dentist so it will be a long day for him.

I am off to W I tonight and will call at Gary and Kelly's on the way. It was Kelly's birthday yesterday and she asked us to get her a bag at Primark whilst we were in London. We did not realise that Primark is at the furthest end of Oxford St and that Primark is the busiest shop in the world and that the queue would be 60 people long!! But she is worth it; she will be a lovely daughter in law if they can ever afford to marry.

So Phil has just taken Missy for a walk. I will catch up with my finances and assess the damage I have just done in London. Pay the phone bill car tax etc etc

Oh back to normal I guess......................

A glimmer of light

Phil told me last night that he will miss me while I am away. Not just to do the shopping and make his food but really miss me.
I am away two days and I am sure he will be fine; my son and son in law and
grand daughter are very close at hand for any emergencies which I hope there won't be.

It was just the look on his face that I recognised from long ago. I think he REALLY will miss me...........................

Decision made

I really enjoyed myself today.
Even though I was all alone I did a lot of crafting and it was so therapeutic. Apart from 48 quickly assembled cards last Sunday I have not done any crafting for weeks. Today I completed two projects and made two lovely (am I modest?) birthday cards.

I spent four hours totally engrossed and loving it. I had coffee then lunch then ran out of things to do.

So I will not be cancelling my crop. I started it for me and it is still for me. It is lovely to have my friends around but that can't always be so I will continue to go once a month and enjoy the freedom and the space that it allows. Next time if I know I will be on my own I will take far more work to do. I feel so fulfilled when I look at the projects I complete.

I was never artistic but I think of this as my late arrival into the art world.

I think it brings me more pleasure than any hobby I have ever had. I was determined NOT to enjoy it six years ago when Sheilagh introduced me to it but try as I might I couldn't resist the pull

thanks Darlin xxxxxxxxxxx

It happened without me even noticing..........

At what age do we stop looking forward as much and look back more?
It has happened without me even noticing. In my quiet moments now instead of planning what I am going to do I reflect on events in the past. Some from the far past and others more recent. I think the future from my perspective doesn't need as much planning as it used to. It just happens. My emotions carry me through whatever needs to be done. It can't be what I expected it to be any longer because there are some ingredients missing from my "pantry".
I fill my days and weeks and much of it is consolations for the future which should have been. So rather than dwell on that I look back a lot to my history. Good and bad; happy and sad; and some which were very very funny.
My childhood was filled with love and family; not much money but lots of cuddles. I hope that my own children and grandchildren say the same.
It was interesting recently when Julie and I went on a course together. She is now also a volunteer for Cruse. We had to do an exercise which detailed our past.
It was difficult to separate the two versions and I was overwhelmed when I realised that I had given her those memories. You do the best you can for your children and are never sure if it is enough but in my case it seems that I did good.................

I made it

Well I made it through this week. What a variety of emotions and moods.
Our AGM was a success; not as well attended as I would hope but still a fun day and no hitches. Just wait to see if any monies come our way over the next year to keep our service going. If Cruse North Wales folds who will look after my clients?? Who has the skills or the knowledge?

The balloon flight has been cancelled again due to the rain. Almost on the point of giving up but watch this space.

Tomorrow is my crop and I am not sure who will be there. Possibly just me. People's lives change and with that the demands on those lives. I have run my crop for 2 and a half years now and sadly it looks as though it may end. A decision to be made........

Phil had a stress day yesterday. I knew it would happen when he stopped taking his tranquillisers but we have been quite lucky so far. I have started asking him to meet me after work on Fridays to go for a coffee. It gets him out of the house and just bridges the gap for me from work to home.

He met me at 3.30 and I could tell he was "hyper". Within five minutes I could feel myself winding up. I had planned to shop for a couple of things but changed my mind and we just went for coffee and cake. I was quiet and waited for him to relax. I was glad by the time we arrived home though. It is as if he feels unsafe outside these four walls sometimes.

It is now 9.30 and he will get up at about noon. It is raining outside so I guess the quietest thing I can do is go into my craft room shut the door and sort my things out ready for tomorrow.

Monday - Julie and I are off to London. Early train and we will take my car and leave it overnight at the station. That way we will not inconvenience anyone if there are any delays. I hope the rain goes off and we can have a lovely girly trip.
I plan to do lots of window shopping. As usual I am not taking as much cash as I had expected to. Car tax; phone bill; all landed on the mat last week.

I remember when I first started working for the Health Service in Liverpool in 1964; we were one of the few employers who paid salaries monthly back then. Payday was such a big deal. We all trouped to the bank in convoy; called at the tobacconist on the way back and bought presents for parents ( both smokers) and then went shopping in our lunch break for a new outfit. Same thing every month; no responsibilities; just our "keep" and travel costs to worry about. I even got luncheon vouchers and it was a well paid job.
Now pay day is just a headache. Square peg and round hole!!!

Thats life ; at least I have a job so thats a bonus. Well off to craft room for a couple of hours until His Lordship arises....................................

Stage 2 gone stage 3 to come

My GP was absorbed by my "very interesting" scan. I have cysts on my isthmus and nodules on the main part of my thyroid. I have to be referred to a consultant who will probably recommend surgery. So I was right last week when I said I would need to have my throat cut. Many a true word said in jest...
So he has fast tracked the referral and I just have to wait now. All I can think about now is all the dates I DO not want it to be. I have so much planned and would rather not have to rearrange. Julie has already suggested getting a black velvet choker in case I still have a scar for the wedding.
Sheilagh has said I will probably lose weight once I go onto Thyroxine so I was right again to delay my diet.
Now all I need to make the situation quite productive is for my tutor to give me a years extension on my dissertation!!

Hot air balloon attempt again Saturday morning; it is getting quite boring now and if it does not happen then I might just go off the idea altogether.

London on Monday --- now that is something I am really looking forward to. Two whole days with my little girl; she is 40 on 17th June but still my little girl. When we are together though we are more like sisters and that does me so much good I can't put it into words.
Dirty Dancing too - it couldn't be a more perfect celebration could it. Our favourite film in all the world. Just wondering which shoes to wear though. When we went to London in January I couldn't walk properly for about three days after!! So it is comfort not style for me.

Well off to work now to complete the preparations for the AGM tomorrow. If I am not prepared after today then it is too bad. This is my 7th AGM in post and can't remember a bad one........................

Grounded again!!

Feel a bit like a BA flight attendant- are we aren't we. Well we are not. There is too much wind in Cheshire to fly. So maybe next Saturday or Sunday. We have had the voucher extended until the end of May so after that if we don't go it looks like we have lost it. Such an expensive failure!!!!!!!

So I am dangerously browsing the web and feeling the need for compensation. Have just ordered some craft goodies; looked at ebay for the 1st edition book but whoever said it was worth thousands must have a gold lined copy as they are pretty much affordable. I will still try to find my copy just in case.

Now which site can I go on to now...................................
oops remembering I am going to London next week so maybe I will just browse and make a wish list......................

Just a little wind

Well the trees say there is a very light wind; what will the balloonist say? Last time there was no wind here and yet we couldn't go. Julie will be ringing in about an hour to find out if we are up up and away or grounded again.

I spent the night on the couch; no we hadn't had a row; that doesn't happen any more; I had a real sickness episode as soon as I had fallen to sleep and rather than disturb Phil up and down to the bathroom (our bathroom is at the bottom of the stairs) I came down with a blanket and slept quite well.
I still feel a little sickly and reflux is constant again. Still waiting for that checkup following endoscopy.

This blog was started to talk about my life as a carer but lately I have spent more time talking about my own health. I think the fact that I am a carer makes these problems more significant. I need to be ok to care for Phil. He is not capable of caring for me any more. Consequently he is getting stressed at the thought of me not being well which in turn makes it more difficult for me to cope with him..........

I am sure that all carers recognise this. You have to be on top form to cope both physically and emotionally. Our role is to protect and shield our loved ones from harm. Very often we also have to fight for their needs. Maybe my recent fight for Phils improvement has worn me down and resulted in these little health blips??

In the meantime I will wait to see if I can fly high in the sky across the Cheshire countryside for just an hour this evening. Last time was heaven; like floating................................

Bit dramatic

Reading my blog again it looked a bit dramatic. I was joking about the throat cutting thing!! I think.
Whatever has to be done is ok. I will probably go to the GP to be told antibiotics again and the worst that will happen will be UTI again; side effects.
If I need surgery then that is ok too. This body as got away quite lightly over its 61 years.

I managed to make 50 greeting cards today to sell at our AGM on Thursday. Every little helps. Our financial situation (Cruse) is quite dire and I am already thinking about formulating a plan B.

If I wasn't so idle I could make a fortune on ebay. I bought a first edition of Harry Potter's first book which I believe is worth quite a bit but I can't find it!! I have either lent it out or Phil has put it in the loft.

I have a house full of "stuff" a lot of which I don't use or need. Perhaps I will try a couple of things and see how it goes. The wrapping and posting is the only thing that puts me off and that can't be so hard.

Fingers crossed for the balloon flight tomorrow; getting frustrated now- so close each time.

Well my battery is low and Phil wants feeding..........................

Waiting for results

Waiting for a call from GP now. Had several opinions from non medical people and the general consensus is that I will probably have to have my throat cut!!!! Mind boggles.
All I can think of is how much time will I need off work?

There is nobody to do my job whilst I am away and so what will my clients do ......................................................

Ulta sound

Managed to get a cancellation for a scan yesterday. The bleeps kept coming and I was told that cysts had been identified; I was hoping that each bleep wasn't a cyst. If that is the case then I have 28 cysts!!!
Have to wait for a week now to see GP about possible treatment. How will they treat cysts in my throat?? or windpipe or epiglottis or wherever they happen to be??

Work is still silly. Too much happening and not enough time to coordinate it all. I am sure I will get it all done by next Thursday. There is my blind faith again.

Found out last night that I am going to be a Great Grandmother again. That will be three. Anthony my 20 year old Grandson and his Fiance Mandy are going to have a baby around January. So that is what my family do well- breed!!!
I love it...................................

Looks like another interesting week!!

My stars for this week

"Your word is worth its weight in gold. When you make a promise to someone, you deliver, no questions asked. However, not all your associates are as trustworthy as you, as you'll discover when Venus in your zone of friendship squares Jupiter in deceptive Pisces on Monday. You'll give serious thought to redesigning your wish list on Thursday. You're ready to update your goals and achieve your new aspirations. You'll organize your household on Saturday."

I am a loyal friend but have been deceived in the past. My wish list needs a reality check and my goals do need updating. Not sure about organising the household???
Need someone else to do that I think..........................

Goitre??

Its getting bigger- the swelling in my neck. The thyroid test came back clear so I wonder what it is? Waiting for a scan which could be weeks..........
In the meantime psychologically I am giving myself permission to eat too much. If it is thyroid then that is to blame for my weight gain yes??
If I try to lose weight I will not succeed no??
If I get medication that will automatically reduce my weight yes??

I can dream about a magic pill can't I?

And I am still very very tired........................................

Pressured

Feeling a bit under pressure just now. There are lots of loose ends all around me. I am coping but my sunny disposition is hard to keep up sometimes. Many people do not have any idea about my life and just see me as Good Old Trish- she will do anything for you.
And yes I will - if I can; but I also need to know that it would be returned if needed. Sometimes a carer needs caring for.
May is my busiest month every year but this year it just seems that there are lots of extras which have cropped up.
I just want to take a week off and craft............heaven. But for now I will look forward to Sams crop on Sunday; that is always plenty of fun and relaxation and an opportunity to switch off from the madding crowd.....................

Balloon flight next instalment

Pray for calm on 23rd - our next attempt to go up in our beautiful balloon..........

Not up up and away

Phone call to say we can do our balloon flight tomorrow night. Not possible. It is 3 hours to get there and Julie and I both work full time. I could be more flexible than Julie but she is a sign language interpreter and has clients every hour of every day. So she will ring them and say no. Does that mean we will lose it? Weekends are the only possibility.

Small disappointment today - got the tickets to Dirty Dancing for Julie's 40th -- gift from me and her Dad ( I get to go with her though!) and the tickets are second best price and are right at the back of the stalls and on the end. Not what I expected from Superbreaks. Might phone the theatre and see if I can swop them..................... Life is never perfect is it??

One final attempt

I am off to have a meeting with the Headway people again tonight. Our attempts to get the branch up and functional again have stalled so many times. None of our doing but just some fine details that need sorting.
This is our last attempt and whilst it will be an awful shame part of me will be relieved to have a conclusion.
My motive to set the group up again was to get Phil back into a social network; something he no longer has. He used to enjoy the Headway meetings and loved being the "main man".

It is not as if I need a hobby or something to fill my time. I work full time and some!! As do the Secretary elect and Treasurer elect.

Watch this space......................

OMB Award

Part Three of this award is to pass it on to some of my favourite bloggers;
I have not passed it back to those who sent it out originally on this path as the danger is it can go around in circles so if I don't send it to you it is because someone other than me also thinks you are wonderful and deserving of this award.

So to you my blogland friends who inspire me with your words and encouragement I bestow on you the OMB award:

Donna
http://takeamomentforinspiration.blogspot.com/
Greg
http://wits-endgame.blogspot.com/

Buttercup
http://buttercupcountsherblessings.blogspot.com/

Sam
http://samsdietandcrafts.blogspot.com/

Donna
http://bearhugwaltz.blogspot.com/

Tracy
http://molsmum.blogspot.com/

Now you need to follow this path as those before you. Sent to you with love and thanks


1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award ever!
2. Choose one of the following options of accepting the Oh My Blog! award:
(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight,
or for as long as you can focus.
(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment.
(c) Write a “soundtrack of your childhood” post.
(d) Make your next blog a ‘vlog’/video blog where
you’re basically talking to the camera about whatever.
(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning,
before you do anything else (hair, make up, etc) and post it.
3. Pass the award onto at least three, but preferably more,
awesome bloggers and let them know.

Stage 1 and 2

Stage 1
Yes I was so excited to get this award; really excited to be in such lovely company.

So stage 2 is to tell you about my most embarrassing moment. There have been several.

Can I please leave stage 3 until tomorrow. I have you all drafted but lots of copying and pasting to let you know about your award. I am still amazed after getting it right last night but struggling to remember how that happened!!

So one of my most embarrassing moments........ which one to share with you............
ok so here goes.

Phil used to be in the RAF. We socialised with his friends and their wives. Some of these wives I would never have chosen as friends but it was a small community and we all mixed in together. One Christmas we invited one such couple with their little boy to dinner on Boxing Day. The wife who we shall call Ruth because that was her name!! had a voice to grate on the nerves. The husband who we shall call Michael because ..... yes you got it..... put up with her bossing him around all day. Each time I went into the kitchen to check on how the food was coming along and to get away from her voice I had a quick bacardi and coke. Needless to say with her voice and my nerves I spent a lot of time in the kitchen and went through a good deal of bacardi.
I managed to dish the food up but once they were sitting down I disappeared not to be seen again until the following morning. The story goes that I was having a conversation with the toilet bowl!! Phil managed to get me to bed where I stayed - thank goodness - until our guests had well gone. The story ran and ran for several weeks about Phil's alcoholic wife which is strange for two reasons; because Phil was the drinker and frequently overindulged and because now I am a non drinker.

So that is one of the less sordid stories. I harmed nobody but myself. I have done something similar one other time when my sister and brother in law came to Sunday lunch every week for months........ Similar result on one of those Sundays........

Oh wow what a whopper!!

Thanks She this is wonderful. So now to the fun bit and I just hope my battery lasts!!
On receipt of this award I must:
1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award ever!
2. Choose one of the following options of accepting the Oh My Blog! award:
(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight,
or for as long as you can focus.
(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment.
(c) Write a “soundtrack of your childhood” post.
(d) Make your next blog a ‘vlog’/video blog where
you’re basically talking to the camera about whatever.
(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning,
before you do anything else (hair, make up, etc) and post it.
3. Pass the award onto at least three, but preferably more,
awesome bloggers and let them know.

So just like you - I need to think about the best option. I am just wondering how on earth I managed to get this far. Have I done it right - you tell me ............

Sunny but windy; quiet and peaceful

Beautiful blue skies but quite a cool breeze. My intentions are to get my dining room sorted. Then to do some of my dissertation.

I have two and a half hours before Phil gets up and the mad thing is I just want to sit here in the quiet. I really should take the opportunity to do the things that need to be done without interruption. But it is so peaceful!!!

Missy is lying in the conservatory taking in the sun; Phil is gently snoring upstairs and I am feeling calm and relaxed. I forced myself to stay in bed until 7.30 but whats the use of having a relaxed body if your brain is at full throttle??

Perhaps just half an hour to meditate and then I really must plod on. I have so few days off now I have to do as much as possible on those days. I make a list at the beginning of my time off but never manage to get through it all. I have ticked off a few but the others will be carried over.

So ok... 10am I will begin................................

Balloon update

The flight is cancelled due to strong winds. I sent out negative thoughts I am sure .............
We have been trying for nearly 6 years to take this flight so another couple of weeks wont hurt.
Back to my craft room...............................................

Up up and away

Will I go up in a balloon this evening or will the weather let us down again?
I am not as excited as I should be and I think that is because I am so tired. I can keep going night and day when I am working but once I have a few days off my energy levels plummet. I am aching all over and have so much to do!! Not a good combination.

Gary came over last night and we had a lovely hour chatting. I don't see my lovely son as much as I would like since he moved to the next village. He and Kelly his fiance both do two jobs to save to get married. He seems really happy though and it is lovely to see.

I was hoping to sleep a little later today but was up at 6.30 again. I will now continue the ongoing task of sorting my craft room. I filter from one set of drawers to a larger set of drawers etc and one day it will maybe work well.
I know there is really too much stuff but it is all so precious so has to stay.

Tomorrow is dissertation day I promise and thanks to Donna I have some more material. I am now going to include the difference in the ripple effects when it is a spouse; child; parent; who has had the brain injury. The whole caring aspect is different and the losses are varied. So thanks Donna for pointing me towards some links............................

The final step

Just had permission from the Neurosurgeon for Phil to come off the last of his tranquillisers. He will still be on anti depressants but says he would like to come off them as well. Ambitious!!
So in a couple of weeks I am hoping for a wide awake interactive (to a degree) husband.
I will keep you posted. Unless I am too busy interacting!! Joking ....................

When I see my husband smile...........

Now I have a few days off work at the end of a gruelling week. Apart from a hot air balloon ride tomorrow evening- weather permitting- I need to stay home and sort paperwork; craft room;wardrobes etc. oh and more dissertation !!

That is what I do mostly when I am not working but this weekend I am also without Penny Puma so feel as if I am grounded anyway.

Yesterday Phil got up early to take me to the workshop to drop Penny off for her makeover and then take me to work. As you know he normally rises about noon. He then collected me at 4pm.
Beverley who works in my building and has worked with Phil saw him waiting for me and said hello and commented on how well he looked. He gave her the biggest smile. Phil is in there I thought and apart from needing a shave and maybe losing a little weight it could have been the old Phil.

Those glimpses are like nectar. Still rare but perhaps more since reducing the tranquillisers. Or is it just wishful thinking.

Because I see him every day I guess I need an objective view from someone who sees him less often. Beverley obviously thought he looked better than last time she saw him.

So after an interesting; stressful; thought provoking week in work I am going to try and enjoy my time off. And hopefully enjoy more smiles. But I have learned not to be greedy..............................

Penny is going to have a makeover

My lovely Penny Puma is going for a makeover. She has very rusty wheel arches and a scuffed front bumper. I have been asking around for months to find out where she can get help.
Finally I went into our local garage thinking that it is closest to home and we have done a lot of business with them in the past. It would probably be expensive but shopping around could be costly too. The result- they no longer do bodywork but gave me a business card.
So this evening I met Phil at Autospray after work and we got a quote for the work. A make do job which would not last would be £200. A good job which will last (as long as Penny I hope) will be £500.
So she is off for her pamper on Friday and hopefully home on Tuesday. Ken who is doing it showed us a Harley Davidson that he is building from scratch. Beautiful and quite nostalgic seeing that we used to be bikers.
So I really hope that Penny gets what she needs. She has NEVER let me down in the time I have been her Mum!!!
I need her to last at least another 9 years and she has cost me little so far.
Wish her luck...............................

Talking about dog bites

What are the chances that I would be bitten by a dog and less than two weeks later my great grand daughter would be bitten by a different dog.
I had a wound on my hand and the bruise is till visible; Chloe was bitten on her upper arm and I think her bruise will last a very long time.
Both of us were luckily up to date with our tetanus jabs but both on antibiotics.

The fate of both the dogs differed; the one that bit me is as far as I know still in its home but being watched; the dog that bit Chloe was put to sleep. There is a new baby in that house and chances could not be taken. Very sad.

I love dogs but will now be careful about stroking a dog I do not know. I don't think Chloe will be that cautious. She loves dogs and will continue as before.

You never know when something like this is going to happen..................

Still facing challenges

For every piece of good news I get there always seems to be a negative. I was always the eternal optimist. Everything will be ok. It will all work out.

So here I am back in blogland and I was expecting to share many good things with you. Then somebody went and spoiled it. Why do people think they can say whatever they want and you will just accept it. Not this time my friends. It really takes a lot to make me delete someone from my friendship list. And I do mean permanently delete.

That said it hasn't made much of a gap in my list. I have some wonderful friends who will keep my faith in humankind.

So where have I been and what have I been doing? I have been working incredibly hard. I always do but I am struggling more than usual with the increase in tasks. This is the busiest time of my year in work. I cope with it but there are a couple of extra issues which are hanging over us not least funding. Will I still have a job by September?
I hope I am still with Cruse but if I am not I have the ability to do anything so am not too worried; but I do love my job so it would be a shame.

Phil has been coming off his tranquillisers and that has been interesting and rather erratic. I have tried to get treatment for my puppy dog syndrome but I have mentioned before I think it is in my blood. Good days bad days; better days worse days. Can't be much fun for him either I know.

My degree is still stalling due to the ethical considerations. More about that later. If I ever see my dissertation in print I will eat my hat ( I don't wear one so I am safe).

My crafting is my biggest pleasure just now; providing the relaxation I need. I am also enjoying the creative aspect more than before and have even given a thought to going to art classes. If I had any spare time I would pursue that idea.

So just a brief journey through my last couple of weeks. I will get back to my daily post and thanks to everyone who has encouraged me to continue..............

Watch out- I am coming back

Well after a lengthy break I am coming back to blogland. I have missed the blog-hopping more than posting my own thoughts but I have to be honest I have missed that too.

A lot has happened since my last post; I will share some of that soon.

So I will be back in the next few days...........................

Holiday is nearly

Back to work tomorrow and many challenges to face there. Have stated my case and now I just need someone to listen.

More wedding invitations needed today - they won't be quite the same as I ordered goods for the numbers I was given at the beginning. Still be nice though I think.

Off to do some Headway talking today with Carol. That is another challenge to get going with a new group.

And I am taking a break from BLOGLAND for a while and Facebook.
It has become a habit that I need to break. I am one of those sad people who looks for comments on my posts and when there aren't any it just adds to my feelings of aloneness - that goes way back so noone to blame but me for the feelings.

Several AHA moments again this weekend and I realise that the future is just up to me; no point in relying on kids to help out; certainly can't expect anything of Phil any more. Even car mechanics is on my list now and knowing what needs doing when. There is a first for everything I suppose.........................

Easter Sunday and its quiet here

It's 10.30am.

I called around to Julie's with the kids eggs but she is out.

Phil is still in bed ( for at least another hour).

It's quiet here..................

Negative forces

I had lots planned for my week off. I achieved all the things out of the house so far but when it comes to technology well you know how it hates me!!
Yesterday I changed the dining room around so that I feel more comfortable out there doing my dissertation.
I also needed to print off Headway stuff ready for a meeting with Carol our Secretary on Monday. So why did my printer decide to throw out a blank sheet in between every printed sheet. Then why when I tried to find the settings did it tell me my computer is not connected to laptop when it so clearly is.
It also refused to scan saying that the scan facility was not available. It was ok last week!! Negative forces are at play again. Training issues identified so that will be my next "course".

As a result all the work I intended to do on my dissertation did not even get started whilst all the stress was happening. I got so stressed that I just couldn't continue. Phil sat on a stool for part of the afternoon just watching me - I must move that stool!!

So today I am out for lunch with Angie and I must try and stay calm. Two people in my life wind me up - Phil and Angie. My fault for allowing it so today I will be patient.

Technology can wait until tomorrow and my craft room must wait for another weekend off.....................................

Tetchy

It must be me!!
Have been impatient four times the last two days. Each occasion seemed worthy of impatience but maybe it IS me who is at fault?

So tomorrow I will try really hard to be calm all day. I will not be wound up by anything or anyone...........................

April fool - that's me!!!

Why oh why do I lurch from up to down. Why oh why am I such a puppy dog?
I have a couple of good days with Phil and then dream that this is a normal life.......and then wham bam back we go.

Am I a carer or a wife? I would like to be both in equal measures which I could cope with; but the scales are tilting and the wife is disappearing fast. In fact I think the wife may have gone altogether to be replaced by a mother figure.
Am I supposed to be looking after the needs of this man? Am I supposed to help him to have his best life? Then why when I advise him NOT to do something do I feel bad.
And why does he make me feel even worse.

Maybe having a few days off is not such a good idea any more. Maybe I am better seeing him at the end of my day when I have got the best out of work and feel useful.

Maybe I am tired again. Maybe the effort is just too much. Is this a holiday from work or is work a holiday from home?

Enough already ------ I have to live this life so have to work out how to!!!
I think I find a good plan and then it fails to work; so I guess I am on about plan Q by now!!

Today I am starting my healthy eating and I had a nice surprise when I got on the scales for my first weigh in. I thought I was 12stone 8 but I am 12 stone 3. That is a better start.
So from 12 stone 3 to around 10 stone would be wonderful and 9 stone 12 would be amazing.

I think I will focus on that for the next few days along with my dissertation. I don't plan to go out anywhere.
Tunnel vision may be a good plan what does anyone think??

So this April Fool is going to try and figure out a workable way of living with the constraints that exist. I read so many blogs by people who are so much more restricted than me but it is the old cliche - this is my life and not as I planned.

Had my hair cut and saw me as a teen in the mirror ( a few more wrinkles but not that many luckily). Oh happy days and oblivious to the life that was to come. That was a good thing or I may have gone to America instead of staying to get married ; but that is another story..........................

Wind and rain

All through the night the wind blew and the rain poured down. I lay there and listened to it for hours.
The window was open; the wind rose and the bedroom door slammed. Phil got up to close the window open the door and stub his toe!!

I had to laugh.

It is an awful day and I have lots to do. Off to the bank again after miscalculation yesterday; have to collect my craft magazines which have been in the shop about a month; monthly bereavement social group which I won't miss even though I am not on duty; then I am getting my hair cut. Well right now I plan to but I may change my mind by the time I get there. My hair is in such good condition now thanks to barley grass and it is the thickest it has been for 7 years. Several people suggest that I go back to the bob. It grows so quickly anyway so I think I will give it a try.
I don't really need a new image but it may spur me on to start my healthy eating tomorrow.
So off I go out into the rain ...........................

Waiting for the rain to go off

It's pouring and I need to go to the bank.
I keep waiting for the rain to go off - hate to get my hair wet; it is my biggest indulgence (along with craft). Vanity can come late in life it seems.

I have been looking back at my own blog and noticed "what to do at 61"
One of the entries is reach 62. That wasn't a joke. My Dad died 7 weeks before his 62nd birthday; my Mum just the same; seven weeks before her 62nd. I think of this now and then; more since my last birthday obviously. So I need to hang on in until at least the end of June!!

No I am not paranoid about it. I really do believe that I will be around to be one of those eighty year olds who wobbles from side to side because of gammy hips!!
It is all written down so if I am wrong then so be it. I have absolutely no fear of death. Don't fancy the dying bit if it is long and drawn out but again that will not be in my hands. Whenever it is that I go I know I will have the most wonderful welcome party "up" there. (With luck that's where I will go - have tried to be good).
I always joke that I hope my Mum and Dad realise that I am vegetarian now so they don't do meat paste "butties". That would be a waste.

Until then though I will continue to muddle through; blogging my life as it happens
enjoying the good and enduring the bad so I just hope you will continue to accompany me on the journey........................It's stopped raining.........

Task list

Now I have a week off and need to fill it sensibly. There has to be a balance between necessary tasks and well earned rest. This is my first "break" since Christmas and the next one will be August ( when I am going away so not quite the same).

I have the opportunity to catch up with a few things that have been on my mind. It would be nice to change my world with my thoughts but I can't so I have to do what I can to improve parts of it.

Last night was so lovely with all the family dropping in. Phil really enjoyed the wine I bought him (special occasion I won't do it often) which is strange because he has no taste or smell since the accident?? Never can quite figure that one out- he knows if he has the coffee with sweetener in???

I got up at the usual time this morning - can't seem to just lie in bed once I am awake - and have been watching craft and blog hopping since. Now I need to shower and dress myself and then make my list for the next week.

I will work on it to make it do-able and then report back........................